Some things I wrote when I was a Teen

Dealing With Death, Can You Handle It?
You never know what's coming next in your life. It may be a new boyfriend, an award in academic excellence, or maybe even loved one dying in your family that you were close too. What I want to know is how do people deal with the loss of loved ones? Do you just forget what has happened and hide from the fact that person is not there anymore? Is it right for people to dwell in the past, to never forget, and end up hurting themselves, or just making things worse? Why can others deal with the loss of someone they love and others can't? I don't think I will ever figure this one out, but I truly wish I knew.
I think that I would be the type of person that just tries to forget. I put off dealing with the pain and grief and soon enough it hits all at once and you just want to die. How does a person work through something like this? I guess they just do. Me, I am wondering just as much as you are. I don't think I could explain it in words, well because if I could I would write it down and share the "secret" with the rest of the world, especially Matt.
Matt is the person I love, like a brother at the least. The feeling, I can tell, goes both ways. "Then what is the problem", you ask? He lives in Nevada and me in Ohio. Id it even possible to find true love in Nevada when you live in Ohio and at the age of 14? What is love anyway? Is it when you cannot think of anything but him? When you would give up anything for him, even your life? When you worry about him and care for him so much it drives you crazy once a day has gone by and you haven't spoken to him yet? Or maybe it is when you would give up all your happiness and give it to him. If that is love then yes, it is possible. If it's not love then you probably know ten times more than I do about it and you should tell me what love is, instead of me telling you. I hope that I am right and what I am experiencing is in fact love. On the other hand, maybe there is no right or wrong answer and I am wasting my time trying to find someone to love that loves me back. Maybe we are all just wasting time and maybe not.
Someone might read this one day and think, "Man this girl is crazy". I think that I am just as crazy as the next person, and the next, and the next... You probably get where I am going with this. We are all a little crazy at times, just because we have to be to get through rough times. If you do not agree, you are probably in denial as well. However, everyone is entitled to an opinion, and that one is just mine. We have all done things that others in this world would not dream of doing. I think that you cannot be uptight and not take chances in your lifetime. If you don't take advantage of the moment, it may never come again. If you don't take chances, then you have never truly lived. Should I take my own advice and tell Matt how I feel before it is too late? Maybe, and maybe not.


A Feeling that Will Last Forever

I was watching television on Friday night in the year 2002. My brother was sitting at the computer, me on the chair by the phone, and my father on the couch behind me. The phone rang and without worrying about what the call was for, I picked up the phone. My Aunt was on the line.

She said hello as happily as she could. I knew something was wrong. She told me to tell my father that my grandma had a stroke and was in the hospital. I repeated what she had said and my father took the phone into the kitchen. My brother seemed to be undisturbed by the news, but I on the other hand was devastated. Once my father came back into the room, I noticed he looked incredibly worried. I had never seen him like that before. In a bold voice, he told us to stay home with my dad's second wife, and that he was going to the hospital. I wanted to know what condition she was in, but I was afraid to ask. At first, and this may be hard to believe, I didn't even know what a stroke was for sure. I decided to believe that she was going to be okay thinking that good people don't die like this.

That night I couldn't sleep. My father was gone most of the night, and I started thinking the worst. I started asking myself what is happening and will my father be okay if she does die. What worried me the most is how I would handle it. Once it was light I jumped out of bed terrified, yet anxious, to ask my father how she was. I had all these questions like what happened to her that caused the stroke, and where was she when it happened. I could see the tears start to form in my father's eyes as he explained to me what had happened. He was speaking about how she had just got done eating at a restaurant, got in the car, and was sitting in the passenger seat while my grandfather was driving home when she had the stroke. I was overwhelmed with grief as he rambled on about what had happened and I asked him to slow down. My father finally told me that she had been sick for a while now, and he hadn'�t told my brother and me about it because he didn't want us to worry. My first reaction was asking myself how I could not have noticed. Then, I decided to blame my father because he had not said anything sooner. I became furious with him, though, I did not tell him because after all it was his mother that was in the hospital. Instead, I didn't speak to him for the rest of that Saturday. My father got restless sitting around at home, so he drove back to the hospital, without me. That night I, again, could not sleep that well but managed to get three hours of sleep.

I woke up early for church and my mother picked my brother and me up. My mother and I got talking and she told me I needed to go visit my grandma at the hospital because it might be my last chance. I refused to listen to her, because I didn't want to believe my grandma was going to die. Once I got back to my dad's house from church, I wanted to go see her. What my mother had said finally sunk in and I had chosen to accept that it may be the last chance I get to see her. It was too late. My father had arrived home right before we did. I walked through the kitchen to where my father was hanging up his coat and said in a voice that was cracking up, "I want to go to the hospital to see her". Then I caught a glimpse of him, and with tears trickling down his cheeks he said, "She passed away this morning while you were at C.C.D."

I didn't want to believe what he had just said, but for some reason I did. I tried to hide my tears by turning away and saying, "Oh, okay". I started walking out of the kitchen as calmly as possible when my father asked me, "Are you okay?" I spun around quickly and the next thing I knew, I was hugging him and crying heavily for what seemed like forever. He said it will be okay, as my brother peeked out from behind the wall where he was spying on us. Out of nowhere he said, "At least she died after doing what she loved, eating". We all forced out a laugh through the aching tears.

I have learned not to waste my life on things like television from that dreadful experience. I believe that my grandmother's death brought me and my father closer together. Now I spend more time with him, as well as my other grandparents and less time watching TV.


The only poem I will ever write: The Christmas Present

Christmas day will soon be coming.
Snow is blanketing the ground.
People are all around.
The temperature is getting colder and colder,
And I am getting older and older.
My Christmas present is down in the basement,
And I can't wait to find out what I get.
There's a temptation to peek.
and it's hard to overcome.
I'm sitting in the chair
as I stare at the door.
I'm thinking my present is behind there.
All I have to do is open the door.
I wonder what my present could be.
Is it a TV which I was promised I would get one day?
Or maybe the watch that I was promised in May?
I'm still sitting here waiting and waiting�..
The temptation finally gets to me.
I get up and put my hand on the door.
I just can't wait anymore.
My hand turns the knob and opens the door.
Suddenly, I hear the front door open too.
My Mom is home early.
I start to panic and the basement door slams.
Along with that noise I hear a crashing sound.
My mother stares at me like she never has before.
It's as if I am a criminal.
She opens the basement door
And finds a shattered TV screen.
Now what do I get for Christmas?
A broken TV.


A Hard Decision?

My friend was finally turning sixteen and we had to celebrate. She gave me the plans for her party, and it sounded like the best time I could possibly have. Then I noticed the date of the party, which was one of the very few weekends that I promise to spend with my father. It would have been a very easy decision if the party were not her sixteenth. We had been planning this for as long as I can remember and I would have to tell her I finally had to miss a birthday of hers although it was probably the most important one in her life. I do not get to see my father but twice every month, and I try never to miss visitation. After all, he is forty-three and not getting any younger. He is not in the best condition as it is and I think it makes him happier and healthier when I visit because it reminds him that there are still people that care for him. Choosing to visit my father instead was one of the smartest decisions I have made in my life so far.
One reason I chose to visit my dad was that I do miss him as anyone else misses a father while he is away. Just recently, we have actually gotten to know each other. We received a second chance to forgive each other and move on past all the hurtful things we have done and said to each other. We had done quite a few things intentionally to hurt the other person, which took a while to forget so we could start new. I did not want to risk not getting to know my father for a friend that I can visit any time. I probably would not have forgiven myself if I chose to ignore my promise to my dad and find out that he could not forgive me. I figured that if my friend could not understand why I choose my father, then she was not the person I have been a friend with for twelve years.
I also try to be a person that does not break a promise. I have always been taught to keep my word and not lie to the people I care about. I keep my promises the best I can and only when I absolutely have no other choice do I break them. When I was making the decision whether or not to go to my friend's party, I thought about the promise I made. I knew that if I broke this promise to my father I would feel very guilty, because I did have a choice whether or not to attend my friend's party.
When I was trying to make up my mind, I decided to do what I always do when I need to make a tough decision. I decided to look at the positive side of both situations if I decided to go with it. A positive side to visiting my father is that I would get to see not just him but my relatives on my dad's side of the family as well. In addition to that, I would feel better about going to visit my dad more than that of visiting my friend. She had many other friends and family of her own to come to her party so it was not like she needed me like my father did. The positives of visiting my father seemed to now cause me to overlook the negatives of not attending my best friends birthday party.
I feel that I made the right decision in this case. I had a good time with my father and I think that I would never give up the time I spent with him for anything else in this world. When I look back, the decision should not have been as hard as I made it.