An Excerpt from a Nerd's Diary

An Excerpt from a Nerd’s Diary




August 5, 2006:




(Sigh) I would like to share with you my present disposition, which is something gloomy and sorrowful (and it has been so obvious since the beginning of my time).

Last Tuesday, my philosophy professor called me Betty: it hit right at the center, and without exaggeration I felt like there was nothing left to live for. My classmates would definitely always remember the fucking name, and every time I walk up in the classroom, since then, I always feel like I want to go back home. I become much more sensitive to words like “eyeglasses” and “nerd”, because I could already sense to which one of us this words are meant for: they are always for me. If those kinds of words are used, it will spark their memories about me, about Betty, about being nerd and brainy, about last Tuesday, about my shame, and it would forever make me feel really insecure and embarrassed.

Do you have any idea how much it makes me sad when my name gets called as one of the top ranks in class after an exam? God, you have no idea! It is not the impressive intelligence I possess that matters anymore! Damn this thing! It is the physical impression I create with every exam I ace that counts! If you happen to see someone who looks like me: thick hair and eyebrows, pimples all over the face matched with eyeglasses and sullen-looking face, there’s no need to think twice: she’s just another Betty, another me. A nerd, a geek, a know-it-all! So naff!

And what the hell do you do? You stare at her and make side glances indicative of the thoughts that run in your stupid head! You know completely how sorry she is because she’s ugly, yet you can’t really believe that Betty still exists. Damn all those gazes you give! You are so ignorant! You have no idea how much she curses you in her thoughts! You are quite clueless how much she wants to blame all the people around her for all the miseries she has and yet she fails to truly recognize their faults. You have no idea how much she dreams to be beautiful, that someday she could walk with confidence and work towards her dreams: so many dreams to just forever dream about! You have no idea that she finds it harder to live everyday: from the time she wakes up to the moment she steps out of her house, feeling so ugly and hopeless. And at class dismissal, you can’t imagine the two sides of emotion she feels: she’s glad because she would be home again to hide, and yet she’s sad, upon realizing that nothing in her life has changed: She’s still the way she is, ugly and boring.

At night, she finds it hard to thank God, but still she’s grateful for being safe throughout the day. She prays: “Father, please give me strength to accept things I cannot change”. She cries to sleep because tomorrow is another day of endless insecurities and desolation.

(Sigh) As you can see, I’m just a product of a long struggle. But somehow my run is still in progress. Who knows, something might miraculously happen! My molding is not finished yet. Lessons are still to be learned. I knew from the start that my faith is to be tested so I’m trying to remain constant through it all (though it is mainly because I don’t have any other choice: Do it or Die!). Besides, I’m looking forward on identifying the sole meaning of my existence: something which I can only define upon accomplishing a task by which I was made for. Just as Mitch Albom says: "One dies to give life to another". And by the mere fact that for my entire life I experienced nothing but endless sorrow, who the hell wants to live an empty life and die just like that??? I would rather be of use to somebody than to be useless even for myself.

In this world that shows little appreciation for things of great effort, I don’t believe I would get remembered for my deeds, but I still hope to make a big difference in somebody’s life.