All I've Ever Wanted Chapters 5-9

Chapter Five
~
The West Bend Inn. I totally forgot about this place.
“Don’t they have those FantaSuites here?” I ask.
“Yep.”
“What the… Why the hell would I want to stay at a FantaSuite all by my lonesome?” I ask, not daring to move from my seat.
“Fine. The motel, ‘Here we come’.”
“Ugh, I was thinking more along the lines of the Radisson, maybe the Hilton.”
“You’re serious?”
“Completely.”
“Honey, then you’ve come to the wrong town. We’ve got cheap motels, or the West Bend Inn.”
“Guess I hadn’t thought of that. Well then; after you…”
“If you’re lucky, maybe they’ll have the spaceship room available.”
Reflexively I smack his arm and give him a dirty look.
“Let’s just get this over with.”

~

It was worse than I imagined.
“It looks like ‘60’s threw up in this place.”
“Yeah. Sorta cheesy.”
“How the hell did they even get that thing in here?!” I ask pointing to the 1964 Lincoln Continental carefully parked in the middle of the room.
“Use your imagination,” he says, heading for the wet bar.
“Have you ever in your life…?”
“Nope. Think of it as an adventure. Here,” he says, thrusting a glass of wine into my hand.
“Where did you get this?” I ask, too fascinated by the massive car parked in the middle of what I assume is the bedroom.
“The bar, it’s stocked.” He responds, raising his glass. “To adventure. May it be amusing and… bearable?”
“Fuck you.” I respond, laughing.


Chapter Six
~
“What are you hungry for?”
“Anything, just as long as it gets me the hell out of this place.”
“It’s not so bad.”
“Are you kidding? Take a look at the bed. Apparently, it also serves as a drive-in movie theatre. And did you read the movie selection?” I say, pointing to the entertainment center housing a number of 60’s tittles. “Cool Hand Luke, Psycho, Dr. Zhivago, To Sir With Love. Does it get any worse?”
“It could, babe, it could.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Think about it this way; you could be here with your husband.”
“Good point.” I say, shooting back the rest of my glass.
“Well then,” He says, eyeing me, feeling me out. “At least I’ve got a chance.”
“You do not! I’m a married woman!”
“Okay, okay. Take it easy!”
“Was that question a set up?”
“Take it however you wish, my dear.”
“You suck.”
“So I’ve been told.”
“Okay, It’s official,” I say, gently placing the flute down on the bar. ”No more drinking for me. I think the bubbles are getting to my head.”
“Oh, you poor lightweight.” He says mockingly.
“Lightweight? We’ve had a bottle of wine and another of champagne! You’re lucky I haven’t passed out already!” I counter, slightly slurred.
“Well then, let’s go get some food in that belly of yours.”
“Where are we going? Should I change?”
“No.”
As I try to stand, I reach for his arm to stable me; a shock runs up my arm, temporarily paralyzing me. “Okay, you drive.” I say, throwing my keys at him, sticking out my tongue, “I’m too buzzed.” I pat his forearm callously, convincing myself that the electrical current I just felt from the touch of his skin was due to the friction of the carpet. I turn and grasp my purse.
“My pleasure.”

Chapter Seven
~
“This was my favorite place as a kid.”
“Mine too. They have the best pizza.”
“A table for two.” In a soft undertone, he adds, “Someplace private, please.”
The hostess nods her head, grabbing two menus and escorts us to our table, meanwhile, I take full advantage of the view.
He distinctly resembles Justin Chambers from ‘Grey’s Anatomy’. The air of arrogance he portrays is similar, his proud walk, the sleek precision of his back, his broad shoulders. The outline of his jeans generously illustrates the trimness of his waist and the tightness of his buttocks.
“Here we go. Our specials this evening…”
I block her voice from my mind; taking the seat across from him, allowing me the opportunity to study every inch of his face.

God damn is he beautiful. My eyes are captivated by his thick neck and square jaw. The hands clasping the menu, strong and masculine, show signs of long, hot days filled with intensive physical labor, plus the gift of satisfying one to the core with a tender, loving caress.
His face wore the last ten years well. The unfamiliar lines faintly etched around his eyes and along either side of his mouth only add to his mesmerizing appeal.
His dark hair, though shorter, suits him better; chestnut brown in color, matching the shade of his eyes, both with splashes of gold throughout. The small impression above his left brow begs for the gentle stroke of my lips.
Moistening his bottom lip; my attention gravitates towards the sexy scar below it …causing a stir deep inside; a yearning for his salty taste.

“Welcome to Dick’s.” Our waitress is dressed in what looks like a maid’s costume. She reminds me of my mother. Thin, dark brown hair and looks as if she’s been a waitress forever. “Can I get you started with something to drink?”
“Miller Lite please, and a bottle of Merlot… My lady?”
“Merlot will be perfect. Thanks.”
“Today we are featuring All You Can Eat Cod served with rye bread, Cole slaw and choice of potato. I’ll give you a minute to check over the menu.”
“Thanks.” We respond, simultaneously.
“So, what do you have a taste for?” he asks while studying the menu.
“Pizza. You?”
“I was hoping you would say that.” His eyes smiling at me.
“I haven’t had this pizza in years. It feels like a lifetime ago.”
“Well, then. You choose.”
“Don’t put it all on me! What do you like?”
“Fast cars, and hot summer days.”
“On your pizza…” I growl.
“Calm down.” He adds in a surprised tone. “Whatever. I like anything.”
“How about the House Special.”
“My favorite.”
“You’re awfully agreeable this evening.”
“Just happy. But I really do like everything.” He says in a flirtatious manner; causing me to blush… ”God, it’s good to see you. What are the chances?”
“I know. I think about you a lot. Wondering how you’ve been.”
“Me too... Wondering how you’ve been, I mean.”
“Okay. Life’s thrown a few curve balls at me lately; hence the break from reality.”
“Tell me about it.”
“You don’t want to listen to me bitch and moan.”
“You’re right, I don’t. I do want to hear about you, though. You. How long have you been married, by the way?”
“You’re such as ass… It’ll be ten years in July, in answer to your question.”
“That’s a long time, longer than any relationship I’ve ever been in anyways.”
“No it’s not…”
He nearly chokes on his beer. “No, I guess not.”
I’m going to run out of the restaurant and take him someplace secluded if he continues looks at me like that…
“That was off and on though and we were kids.” I say, dismissing the suddenly uncomfortable tension.
“Yeah, but there sure are a lot of memories.”
“Yes, yes, yes there are.” I respond, sipping at my Merlot.
Looking into me, searching…. “How’d I keep my hands off of you that whole time?”
“I wouldn’t let you go any further then top of my sweater.”
“I didn’t need to.”
“I know.”
“Of course you do.”
“Okay, enough, before this gets inappropriate. Don’t you have a girlfriend or something?”
“We just ended.”
“Oh. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. What will be, will be.”
“What happened?”
“Well aren’t you forward.”
“Sorry, it’s none of my business.”
“She cheated. With a co-worker.”
“Are you kidding?”
“Nope. Don’t look so shocked…?”
“Jackson… he cheated. The motive behind my temporary escape.”
“No shit.”
“Yep.”
“Damn,” he utters, taking hold of my hand in both of his. “Are you okay?”
“The catch?” I ask cautiously and he nods in answer. “This isn’t the first time.”
“Here we are,” the waitress announces sweetly, leaning over the table to set down the pie, forcing our hands apart. “Anything else?”
“Yes, we’ll take this to go.”

Chapter Eight
~

“Great idea.”
“I thought we could use a little more privacy.”
“This is perfect; thank you.” I say, blindly watching children participate in a game of soccer.
Seated on the top of a hill, overlooking the park; our legs stretch on either side of the picnic bench, facing each other.
“Okay, tell me about it.”
“First, Read these emails. They explain everything. They are to/from the woman Jackson has had an affair with for the past five years.”
“Five years?”
“Yeah… five whole years”




From: Rebecka Tobin
Sent: Fri 5/16/2007 1:01 PM
To: Jackson Fields
Subject: RE:

Jackson,
Hey, Abbey just emailed us a 4 page letter, so I took the time to write her back. And the only reason I responded to her, is b/c it is obvious she is in a lot of pain, and i wanted to tell her that I am not the cause of it. But my head is spinning from all the accusations, I really don't need this drama in my life.

I just checked this today so i missed your email, but met with mark and his girlfriend last night at my house. I don't know what is going on with you two but I really need to be left out of it, and can't have these letters sent to this account.

From: Abbey Fields
Sent: Wed 5/16/2007 1:01 PM
To: Jackson Fields, Rebecka Tobin
Subject: Dear Jackson and Rebecka

Dear Jackson and Rebecka,

I saw your emails after they were left on the computer screen; I did NOT search around for them. I am NOT the jealous type; I do not poke around in Jackson’s things and I do not spy, I am not paranoid or unreasonable… Jackson has a lot of space and freedom, more than most people do in marriages, as he is aware and usually grateful for. Now I can see why…
After reading them, I am shocked and hurt by the deceitful and false-hearted words and intentions. I am the type that needs to know every single detail in order to heal, move on and forgive, therefore, I feel I have every right to respond and ask questions of both of you. Let me apologize in advance for the lengthy letter, and for my manner; my life is collapsing around me all at once and I have a lot to say, so bear with me. Please correct me if I am wrong about anything in this letter.

To start with, Rebecka, I express deep regret for all of the hatred and malice I have bestowed upon you. I finally realize the truth of the matter is in fact not you, but him; still you are clearly not an innocent bystander by any means… however, I am asking for your cooperation as I am curious to know a few of the facts; like what exactly Jackson has said about me, us and our marriage…
Jackson, it is time for some professional help; as I am certain that after Rebecka, it is only a matter of time before this happens again with someone else… and I now know that this has nothing to do with me. I have tried to change, improve, be and finally AM everything I possibly can be for you, and then some, there is nothing left of me… now it’s your turn.

FIRST of all, what have you done and said in front of my children??? You assholes! You really think kids are that stupid? I would NEVER, EVER do anything OR talk shit about you in front of or even AROUND our kids! And why would you trust HER and tell her things? You have to know that everything you’ve ever said to each other is under false pretenses… WHY??? For mock sympathy? Forged understanding? He continually claims that his actions are to ‘see if he can still get it,’ and boost his self-esteem, and I promise, his compassion and commiseration for you and your situations are just a ploy of his to get in closer.

Rebecka, you have the gull to call me the delusional one… the head case??? I’m the one out of touch with reality??? You applaud HIM for dealing with ME?! You must not know him that well… So my instincts are and have always been totally off when it comes to the 2 of you?! Then why all the lies, and all of the sneaking; the secret meetings, the private emails and the hidden numbers. Tell me, PLEASE, how am I supposed to feel about it???
If your ‘friendship’ was so innocent then why am I, the WIFE, not aware of it?
Why, since before I even knew you existed, has he lied to me about you?
If this is “nothing to be ashamed of or be demoralized by filthy accusations”, as you declare, then why are you lying and sneaking around?! And how could either of you allow this ‘friendship’ to continue when it is being fueled by the fact that Rebecka and I despise each other?? Is that your common ground?? Or is that what you both get off on???
OK, so now that you are ‘just friends’ why is Jackson coming to your home and still lying to me about it? -
Why did you show him naked pictures of yourself?
Why do you come into my home, and ensure that you leave before I return? What exactly are you looking for? My bed?!
Why are you advising him to be even more deceitful than he already is?
REAL friends don’t do things like that…
Why do you invite him into your home, ALONE?
I haven’t heard anything about you guys sitting around, shooting the shit, with your boyfriend and I know you have never invited me to do so… If you were such good ‘friends’ wouldn’t all 4 of us be friends???
When he comes to you, since you are such a ‘good, innocent friend’ of his, why haven’t you told him to talk to his WIFE, and try to work his marriage out? See a counselor… I don’t know… actually BE a friend to him.
If you truly were friends, and had each others best interests at heart, then wouldn’t this be a totally different situation, wouldn’t things have played out another way???
And Jackson, YOU, wouldn't have to lie to either of us about ANYTHING!!!
Or am I totally mistaken? Are the 2 of you in fact more than friends at this point? That would make a lot more sense to me; then at least you would have something to hide!!!

Jackson, you are my HUSBAND! You are supposed to take care of me, support me, respect me, even protect me… build a life, a future with me… how could you let her say such nasty things about me??? A true, loving husband would never allow it, and after your past together, I am in every position to say whatever the hell I want… I AM YOUR WIFE!!! Rebecka, why don’t you respect that very significant fact??? Jackson, why are you protecting her, and not me! You took vows with ME! Not her… Doesn’t that mean anything to EITHER of you? I know that the ‘grass looks greener…’, but this has gone a little far, and I have done nothing to justifiably be treated this way. How am I supposed to feel???
Why are we living this way? Why are we treating each other this way? And why are you involving HER in our lives? I just don’t understand.

What I do understand is:
I am the WIFE, the mother of your children; I am the one that has all of your fondest memories, and shares the bond with you that we thought could never be broken; I am the one that takes care of your house, and makes your dinner, who has the courtesy to make enough for you to take it for lunch the next day! I am the one you call every chance you get to say you love and miss me; I am the one you sleep with every night, and kiss first in the morning. I am your constant companion, support, and the one that persistently pushes you, forgives, understands and unconditionally loves you! I am the one that has made the sacrifices in order to make this family what we both agreed we wanted it to be! I am the one that stays here and earnestly awaits your arrival every day. I am the one that has made all of our dreams a reality; I am the one that has cried with you, that has fought with and for you… that has mourned with you; that has taught you to be the father you are today and the one that has your back; that has given you chance after chance, has motivated you and advised, that has loved and cherished you. I am the one that has been your strength and your security…
Where is the respect for those major facts? Have you told HER any of this???
Or is it just that you want to get your dick wet and your ego boost, so you lie to her about me and exaturate the truth; As long as you still have a warm meal and loving arms to come home to?
Has he told you how he BEGGED and harassed and tried to scare me into not leaving him; it was the day you met him at the park with MY children… and he did the same thing again last night… begged me not to leave… because he ‘loves’ me, I am the ‘only important thing’ in his life besides the kids, and he still has ‘hope for our marriage.’ What marriage? All we have here is a piece of paper that is going to make our inevitable separation dreadfully messy.

Jackson is a, and is attracted to, train-wrecks and home wreckers… scum. He keeps them on the “back burner” for when he gets bored. I suppose lunatics are the only ones that can justify sleeping with a married man.
I have been through all of this with him before, while he was teaching at Montgomery... even before that while we were working at the restaurant, again at Jefferson, and then with you… I am just waiting for it to happen at Harris, and foolishly, I have stuck around and worked it out… I thought it was all over… I thought we were okay; but now, more than anything, I am sticking it out for my sweet, innocent kids.
The instant another woman gives the slightest interest in him, he will forget all about you; and me for that matter.
But for some odd reason, every night, he still comes home to me. For what?! The sex isn’t great, we obviously aren’t that close, he doesn’t respect or love or trust in the way a real husband should… For what?! The kids? … Or for the illusion of a ‘family’? The comforts of a home?
He doesn’t love me, at least not the way I deserve; if he did, this wouldn’t keep happening… he continually claims that his actions are to ‘see if he can still get it’, if that were true, he would keep the boundary lines a little clearer... there is nothing wrong with a little flirting, but this is and always has been much more than that…

I know I hold high standards, and Jackson, I don’t expect you to constantly respect every single one, but the one, most important value I BEGGED and pleaded for you to respect, you have knowingly and viciously dishonored… You involved my children in your deviant strategy.

I have NEVER talked to another man about you, us or the kids… I’ve NEVER met another man at the park with the kids in tow; I’ve NEVER had another man in OUR home! I’ve NEVER skipped out on our precious time as a family to be with another man…
You both have tainted a lot of things for me; my children, my home, my marriage, shit, even bars, parks and my car… and one of my favorite things and our unanimously favorite family activity… the pumpkin farm, I went alone with the kids this year because you had ‘meetings’ when in fact it was so you could be with HER. You took advantage and, to me, that totally unforgivable.

Well, people, I am through. I am exhausted, used up, and beaten. Although I may not leave; if only for the sake of the children… and we may still go on by pretending that everything is alright… please feel free to do anything you want… this is no longer a marriage and probably never will be again, if it ever was. I will not fight anymore, I will not ‘work’ at it anymore; but I won’t leave either, I am just too tired at the moment. And these sweet babies do not deserve to have their world suddenly pulled out from under them. I don’t have the energy or the heart to destroy the only life they know and think is happy.
Obviously, neither of you hold marriage to the same morally high standards that I (and most) do. No wonder why, Rebecka, you are divorced, and Jackson, you one day will be. You deserve each other, and now I hope that the two of you have the chance to do whatever it is that you need to do and get it out of your systems. Have fun. All I ask is that you leave my kids out of it. Rebecka, seriously, stay the hell away from my children… You can have Jackson, if you still want him, I know for a fact that he still wants you, you can have him free and clear… go for it, but I will die before you get near my babies and my home again.


Chapter Nine
~

From: Rebecka Tobin
Sent: Fri 5/18/2007 1:01 PM
To: Abbey Fields
Subject: RE: Dear Jackson and Rebecka

Abbey,
I just read your email, and I am responding to you with honesty and respect. As your tone was civilized and sincere, I hope mine will follow suit, and you will truly believe that I am not lying to you and I have never lied to you.
I swear on my mother's grave and my child's life that nothing nothing, not ever, has happened between Jackson and I.
Regardless of our differences Abbey, we are both mothers, we are both women, and I too have been a wife. And I don't appreciate you're speculation about my marriage and why it failed. But as a woman, who has been through her series of relationships, I am responding to you in that way because I think that if you truly knew me, you'd know that I would never ever in a million years go for someone who is taken, why? I hate girls or women that do that, in fact I despise women that do that, I think it's one of the worst things you could do. And I've only seen your kids one time, at the park, and my boyfriend (Andy, at that time) was at home.
Apparently you 2 have problems in your marriage, and I know how hard marriage works, and am grateful that I didn't have to go through that pain with kids. It has to feel unbearable, and now that I have a baby I empathize with your situation, even if we don't like each other, I love kids, that's why I work with them every single day. I don't know what you think I did in front of your kids, and I know you don't think I'm an innocent bystander, but truly Abbey I feel like I am. I don't like being blamed or put in the middle.

I don't know Jackson that well, only through work. Let me go back in time for you. The first time I met you (I had a pretty good buzz), was with Mark and Jackson at the bar, and you came in. I got the impression right away that you weren't comfortable with me drinking with the boys, thus we left. Jackson and my conversations usually revolved around work, and sometimes home. I've tried to talk to you at school dances, with my boyfriend at the time, and you have given me nasty looks and whatnot. I've tried to talk to you at the graduation party, and then you were finally nice to me, and I even told Jackson, wow I think Abbey and I got along really good, but then I found out you talked crap about me in the bathroom with Mark, so all I've seen from you is attitude, cruelness, and malice. That is why I've never asked to hang out with you, it was obvious you never liked me from the second you laid eyes on me. As far as secret meetings are concerned, I was at your home one time, and I was drinking with some staff from Jefferson, Jackson called me and asked what I was doing, my boyfriend at the time lived down the street, and I had him pick me up, I was there maybe 45 minutes. I didn't even see your kids, they were sleeping. And I feel terrible that you think I would do anything with them, I don't want your husband, have never wanted him, and would never do anything to harm them or your family.
I understand your need to heal, and that is why I am responding to you. All Jackson has ever said about you, as we would prefer not to talk about you b/c we both knew you didn't like me, was that you got pregnant young, got married, and now have two kids. He mentioned you had depression, only b/c he knew my mom had depression and I've had to deal with that. I can't think of anything majorally significant he's said about you. He also mentioned that other women, you alluded to, at the other school, and that you probably didn't like me b/c you think or thought we liked each other. And the only reason he said that much, was because I was baffled at why you didn't like me, see I do get along with mostly everyone. And I said what did I do, he said nothing, she thinks I'm fooling around, and I was shocked and felt bad, and told him he needed to tell you that was not happening, he said he did, but that you didn't believe him. Should I have stopped talking to him at work b/c you thought something was up, well I don't know. It's not like we talked everyday, mostly hallway passing, once in a while a smoke break, I mean we didn't even have the same prep hour, so it wasn't a big deal to me. Besides I was in a serious live in relationship and knew nothing was happening with Jackson and I.
Naked pictures? After I got back from a romantic getaway with my ex, I showed pic's of my vacation, there weren't any naked photos, I know, however, there was one of me in a thong on the beach. Wholly not appropriate to show Jackson, but I forgot to pull them there were 2 photos of my back and butt from a distance in the water, at the time I didn't even know they were taken. And I was mortified and seriously embarassed that J saw those, of course I laughed and pulled them (b/c I didn't want him to see my embarassment as he is/ was just A FRIEND!!!!)
When working at Jefferson, we have never (aside from the time at the park and the time at your house) met or had "secret meetings," We've gone for faculty luncheons or with groups of people after work, that's it Abbey.
It's not my business as what Jackson tells or doesn't tell you, I don't know anything about secret numbers, I've wanted to become your friend, b/c I think Jackson is a cool guy, he's told me that you are jealous and think we did something, so I knew we couldn't be friends as the idea of Jackson and I sleeping together was absurd. Besides, I was totally and insanelly in love with my live in boyfriend at the time. And I believe in being faithful to relationship, or why be in it?
If he's had other intentions for our friendhip he has never made an advancement, and they have been one sided, because I do not share those feelings.
Yes I have called you delusional and a head case, do you blame me? First of all, you have to believe what I am saying, and if you do, you would realize that you are coming off that way.
I have no ill feelings for you. I think you're children are beautiful. I think Jackson is a good man and deserves to be happy, which you two clearly are not, but that is not my business. So please, please keep me out of it. I am very happy in my relationship with Scot and our baby, and wouldn't give that up for anyone.
I appreciate you expressing your deep regret, and I am sorry that your marriage is bad, but I never wanted or did anything with your husband, because I value marriage.
You have 2 choices really, believe me or not, but another thing I value is my time and I wouldn't waste it on you to just spew lies. I hope that you'll recognize my candor and honesty in this letter.
Oh and as far as emails, I've talked to Jackson 2 times, once by an accidental email, and the other in response to your crazy threatening email. Oh yeah, and the folder or file, he said that you guys had problems and he had a file in case you got divorced, I have know idea what was in it, didn't ask, didn't fricking care. You're his WIFE and I've never said anything about you to him except that you're crazy for thinking we did something, and why would I talk shit about you to Jackson, he's your husband?
Regards, Rebecka


From: Abbey Fields
Sent: Thu 5/28/2007 3:31 PM
To: Jackson Fields, Rebecka Tobin
Subject: RE: RE: Dear Jackson and Rebecka

Rebecka,
Thank you for your polite and very fitting response. I am writing again b/c I feel there is a lot left unsaid and a story untold. I don't know about you, but I hate leaving things undone.
Since the days following your reply, I have thought a great deal, and am not yet satisfied about the situation. I have mulled over writing and sending this too you, or letting it be, and decided that I have to send it, and I don’t give a damn what you think about it or me.
Forgive me for badgering yours and Jackson’s ‘work related friendship’. I am being neither illusive nor malicious, I have no other agenda. I am only a wife, with a lot of unanswered questions, and this is a two (or three) person story. Some of the closure I need can only come from you. Woman to woman.
I’m sorry if you feel I am wasting your time, but I hope you can understand and appreciate my position. I really hate that this is consuming me, and want to get it all over with ASAP. Writing all of this down is, in a way, therapeutic, and for some odd reason, I need you both to hear all of it.
First off, let me go back in time for you… after all of the accusations, you deserve the whole truth; meanwhile, it should be an amusing story…

I don’t have a problem with Jackson being friends with other women; but it isn’t always that simple with Jackson.
Yes, while we have been together, there have been other women, women from college, and co-workers at the bar, other teachers, others I don’t even want to know about.

When we got pregnant with Cole, I obviously couldn’t go out anymore, and Jackson was as social as ever. I caught him in a few different lies; not that I was looking for them. But I was patient and knew that he was young and inexperienced, and things would eventually calm down…
Then there was a woman at Montgomery. I didn’t really think anything about it until he never let me meet her, even after I asked. Essentially, it was just like the two of you are; he’d lie to me about her when he didn’t even have anything to lie about! One night, when he came home from the Montgomery Christmas party, he had lipstick on his mouth and face, makeup all over his shirt and reeked of perfume, it was such an unbelievable cliché. I was appalled. I begged him to stop whatever he was doing; we had a baby on the way!!! He swears it was innocent, and I turned a blind eye.

Later that summer (2001), we got married. We had a great honeymoon and got pregnant with Madison immediately. I was at the height of my career; teaching and traveling all over the place, enjoying my independence, my pregnancy, our new marriage and our family. In the fall, Jackson got a long-term substitute position at Jefferson and in November, we moved to the house on Addison, which was just a transitional apartment until we could buy our own home. After Maddie was born, I quit my job and stayed home with the babies full-time.

2002, the summer after Maddie was born, was a LONG, rough summer. Jackson was part of the ‘learning team’ at Jefferson to make some extra cash, and sporadically went for meetings. One day after the meeting, Jackson called from Jefferson, asking if he could go out with ‘a bunch of the teachers’, of course I didn’t mind, but I was so excited for my girlfriend Christine, whom was coming into town for the week, that I could hardly sit still! So I called my sister, she came to watch the kids, and I left to surprise Jackson at the bar; McGinn’s is where he told me he was going… I drove to McGinn’s, no Jackson; SOB’s, no Jackson; then finally Kelly’s where I saw him…
He was at a table with 2 other people. He was sitting REALLY close to another woman; you… Mark was sitting at the very far, opposite end of the table. As far away as possible, yet somehow still at the same table, looking extremely bored and completely left out. As I walked up to the table, I saw just how close he (Jackson) was sitting next to you. Your leg on top of his, you were blushing, you were both spiritedly flirting, and there was some playful touching/brushing going on. Even as an onlooker, I could see his hands itching to touch your hair. It made me sick to watch. When Jackson saw me, he literately jumped out of his chair. I remember exactly what happened. I had just caught my husband with another woman… and they all were mortified. Jackson, entirely uncharacteristically, told me to grab a beer from the bar inside… I was in such shock that I went, if only to calm myself down and ask “what the hell did you just walk into???” When I returned, your chair was moved closer to Mark and Jackson moved down and across from the 2 of you… the tension was so thick, you could have cut it with a knife. It was a nice game of musical chairs as Jackson pulled out one for me and I decided to sit away from all of you, at the opposite end of the table. I was pissed… at all of you. Jackson introduced us and the bullshit started. You kissed my ass as Jackson and Mark avoided my stare. FINALLY, Mark led you off, thoroughly intoxicated. I have always been curious; what if I wouldn’t have shown up? Would Jackson have taken you home instead of Mark??? Then what?!
Over the course of our marriage, we have gone to a number of shrinks, some for my depression, and many for our relationship. For about a year and a half, before meeting you at the bar and shortly thereafter, I don’t remember much of anything. I suffered from severe post-partum depression after the birth of Madison, and I was an absolute mess! I was on and off different meds, gained a ton of weight from them, talked with different shrinks, did really stupid things; I was at my ‘rock bottom’. I feel really bad for Jackson having to deal with me at that point, but am grateful for his support and patience. I knew that he leaned on someone during that time, I wasn’t sure who, but was grateful that it was someone he could trust.

After I met you, pieces started to come together… the lies (or not the whole truth) started to make sense… and I realized who you were, why I wasn’t allowed to meet him out at times, why I never heard your name before, only that there was a new English and Drama teacher. After our accidental gathering at the bar, I sensed the truth and begged him to stay away from you.

The next time I saw you was a few months later, at a school dance. Of course I gave you dirty looks! What did you expect?! For me to be nice??? After what I just saw at the bar? At that point, Sarah (Mark’s girl at the time) and I had already talked about you and she just confirmed my suspicions. Jackson’s stories kept changing… he’s not real smart when it comes to covering his tracks. He swore that the whole thing with you was over. In fact, to prove it, he talked shit about you in front of other teachers, including Mark. I heard a ton of different gossip about you being a tramp, one specifically about you having your hooks in the very married basketball coach. You came off as a slut to everyone, which only made my opinion about you even worse.

One ‘family night’ at Jefferson, we came into your classroom; it was obvious that I made you uncomfortable. The only reason we came to your room was because I really wanted to see the students perform, and many of them asked us to be there. I love all of those kids, I tried to be at all of the events I could.
Than in June 2004, the day of Jefferson’s graduation, I signed a store-front lease and was on the fast track to opening a business… I was tremendously excited, and ready to rejoice… After the graduation, we decided to start our celebration at the bar on KK, where the other teachers were congregating. It was only appropriate… my store was just down the street; also on KK. We wouldn’t have come to the bar had I known you were going to be there. I don’t remember saying a single word to you. I didn’t have anything to say to you. In fact, I remember trying to avoid you. I do remember, however, you directing your attention towards me and my walking away. I wasn’t going to let anything ruin my triumphant day. I plainly recall Mark and I ending up in the bathroom, to talk in private, and I swear to God that your name didn’t come up once. I don’t know where you got that from, if it was from Mark, he was just adding fuel to the flame. Our discussion related purely to his and Sarah’s relationship. In fact, the following day, they both called to thank me for the advice.

That summer and fall, after Jefferson closed and before his new position at Harris, I tried to talk to Jackson a number of times about my concerns regarding the new school and all of the new temptation that would arise… he never wanted to talk about it much, so I took an unusual position on the situation… I covered my bases and became vindictive, I knew that it was just a matter of time before it happened again, and then at least I would have something to throw back in his face.
Jackson found a letter that I wrote to James, a guy I contemplated starting an affair with, but never sent. I know what the letter implied, but nothing ever happened, I was still debating even sending it. Two wrongs don’t make a right. After he found the letter, I realized just how much I loved Jackson and still didn’t want to ever lose him. We have built this life together, good and bad, and I know that it has been a rough journey, but I could see our future together, I could see how happy we could potentially be together. I know it took a while for him to get over that letter. We talked and talked and talked about it. I knew that he was still hurt, but thought he understood my logic, however screwed up; I also know that he took that opportunity as an excuse and came to you… That was the day I went to the pumpkin farm with the kids, without him, because he had “meetings”. He did admit that it was a ‘sobering experience’ because he didn’t feel that ‘vibe’ from you any longer and left when your boyfriend came home. Why would you tell me that you have no idea about the ‘file’, the one containing the letter, when he came to you with exactly that? AND you allude to it in an email to him.

I emailed Mark in January to respond to his mass drink-a-thon invitation and accidentally hit ‘reply to all,’ then you respond with a letter to Jackson. Obviously Rebecka, the email was from me to Mark, so I know that you didn’t respond to it candidly. Foolishly, I thought you were starting shit back up again after a year of no contact with my husband and I wasn’t about to let it happen without a fight; hence the nasty email I challenged yours with, again, I apologize for my malicious email. Jackson led me to believe that the two of you haven’t corresponded since you worked together at Jefferson, so I showed him the emails, and he laughed.
Little did I know, you saw each other a few more times…

Jackson disclosed his intent when contacting you was under false pretense and more than just the bogus façade he was presenting. He has also admitted his reasoning for pulling you in and pushing you away, his sick game…
All the while, blaming it on you.
Lately, I’ve finally felt like we have completed the rough part of our marriage, and were on the road to recovery; respect, love… we talked about our plans and dreams, we went and spoke with our priest, and in the end we decided to start fresh, sell the house and move to the country.
Recently, we’ve had a rough couple weeks, we were crazy-busy getting the house ready for showing; packing, purging, painting, etc., Jackson getting his resume organized for a new job search, Maddie broke her leg (and for a 5 year old, that is no small feat), a friend of ours unexpectedly died, then I got into it with my dad (a hopeless alcoholic) and basically shunned him from my life. But at the end of the day, we were in it together. We were supporting each other, mourning together, working together; I was so thankful for Jackson, and I couldn’t have made it through the week without him. He was so proud of me and supportive about my dad; we had each other to cry and talk to about our friend that passed, the viewing and burial were unbearably horrifying, we worked like dogs on the house, but in the end, again, we were in it together…
Last week, we were talking about what still needed to be done upstairs, so we came upstairs to discuss our options and outline a plan. I saw his work email (one I never even knew existed) on the computer screen with an email from you. I sat down, thoroughly baffled and saddened, and read all of the ones he had yet to erase.
2 emails, Rebecka?! There were way more than two, at the very least, there are a years worth of emails…
As I was reading them, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jackson’s mouth drop open, and he started to pace, eventually ending up in a chair with his head in his hands. Quietly, I went downstairs to disperse our already packed possessions into separate lots. I was done. As soon as the house sold, I was going to leave him, and I wasn’t going to talk to him about any of this anymore.
I was so distraught; I felt like our last few months, especially our last week, were a complete sham. He has lied to me again and again. I have asked him repeatedly over the years to stay clear of you. After reading the emails, apparently neither of you have respected my numerous requests, and I don’t understand why. If your friendship means so much to each other, then why hide it? Why keep lying??? Especially about something as stupid as having the same prep hour?!
ALSO, I want you to re-read your paragraph about the naked picture, then ask yourself how convincing it really sounds. A ‘friend’ with guiltless intent wouldn’t unknowingly hand her platonic male ‘friend’ photos of herself without a top on…
Don’t you understand the more you lie, the less persuasive your position becomes?

I’ve had plenty of opportunities to be unfaithful, but I’ve never acted on any of them. I respected my marriage and my husband, and I like knowing that I am not the cause of his infidelities, however innocent he claims them to be.
I know that you both say you haven’t screwed around, and I want to believe you, but honestly, that isn’t what hurts the most. I’ve asked Jackson to end your ‘friendship’ because obviously it either started as something else, or inevitably would end as something else… Not you, me OR Jackson are comfortable with it…
I don’t want to be the ‘psycho, jealous wife,’ really, I’m not! Jackson has plenty of female friends and I have male friends. Some of my male friends he’s had a problem with, so I don’t see them anymore. His friends I don’t have a problem with… I know most of them. If he starts lying about anyone, male or female, then of course I will have a quandary with that.

I don’t support divorce, and didn’t get married thinking it would be easy to get out of… I married Jackson as a promise to be with him no matter what for the rest of my life.
I love him. But my heart and spirit are broken. I don’t know what to do. I am scared to leave, but I am afraid that if I stay, yet again, this is something that will pass with time and ‘will never happen again’… but I know that it will. I’m afraid of what this will do to my kids if I leave. I’m afraid of what will happen to both me AND my kids if I stay. I’m afraid of all of my choices, my future with and also without him... I am afraid of all of my past decisions, and the irrevocable effects it will have on all of us.
Now, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do… I don’t even know if this letter was the right thing to do or not… I just don’t know. I am confused and hurting… I need my husband. I need him to love and respect me as his wife and friend. I need his undivided attention. I don’t want to share my husband with another woman. I don’t want to break up our home. I was happy, I thought we were happy. I thought he was happy. I really did. Now, I don’t know… I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what else I can do or say.
~Abbey