Dunno Yet Part 2

CHAPTER NINE

         Now let me explain something. Sometimes it can be easy for a writer to have a clear idea of events occurring in a book but unsure of how to create the links between them without seeming uninspired, drawn out and boring, like Adrian Mole or Final Fantasy. So to avoid falling into that trap, i have decided to cut the crap and cross the event gap like a bumblebee on crack (and never take up rap).

         So twenty minutes later, Mark, Eddie and Jess arrived at a run-down building. Mark was about to burst in, overcome by a fit of rage and an actual sense of friendship with Bert; but Jess held him back desperately. “One of those two guys earlier had a shotgun and was not afraid to use it. What if there are more of them? What if they all have guns? What if they threaten us and tie us up with Bert? Take everything we own? Rape me and leave you all for dead? What if they- what if we- what if- what if-”

         Jess’s incoherent ramblings reminiscient of Terry Pratchett’s best work were instantly stopped as Mark’s vision swam, until Jess’s face obscured everything else. He saw through the worry, saw through her flawless exterior, and recognised the beauty within. Nothing but her mattered to him right now- the centre of his vision; the centre of his world. Blood rushed to his head and various other places where blood rushes to in situations like these. He felt certain that nothing could ever come between them, that luck had to be on his side for him to even be near this amazing woman. Time slowed, he found himself not in control of his body, but watching from above, powerless to stem the flood of emotion crashing through his veins. Two quick steps towards her and their mouths practically threw themselves at each other. Locked in a deep, frantic embrace, Mark lifted Jess’s feet off the floor, their hearts soaring past heaven with pure bliss, not the least bit jealous of the ones beyond the golden gates. A jolt of pain penetrated Jess’s back as the two stumbled into a stone wall, but all she felt was the intensity of their passion. Mark felt it too, making him want to explode (if you know what i mean). Before he could pull away to apologise, she kissed back. Softly at first, like a diver testing the water temperature. Then she dove. Hearts doing 400 beats per minute in perfect synchronisation, as if they had fused together into one human, not two. Every part of them still interlocked like the most ridiculous jigsaw puzzle of all time, Mark toppled over backwards and the two rolled on the grass, giggling hysterically with the purity of their shared happiness.

         “You two done?” Eddie stood there with fingers in his ears and eyes scrunched shut like a small child recoiling at the sight of his parents embrace. But Mark ignored him, something he had never done before. He sat up on the grass next to Jess and held her face in his hands. Lightly, fleetingly, he kissed her on the mouth again. “Listen to me Jess.”
“Ok” She said, grins still wide on their faces but worry appearing again in her eyes at the thought of what might happen to her and the three men.
“Nothing, i repeat...nothing, is going to EVER happen to you. You got that? Ever since i first met you i have felt we were made for each other, destined for each other. Even though we’ve only known each other for a day or three, if i lose you, there will be a gaping hole left in my heart. So nobody will die, you will not get raped. I just won’t let the bastards do anything to hurt you. I love you Jess. I promise, if anything does happen to you, i will hunt them down and spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”
She smiled, a smile that could lift the hearts of millions. “I love you too Mark.”
They stood, and walked hand in hand with Eddie towards the building to the tune of Eddie singing along to himself “Mark and Jess, sitting in a tree...”

         Opening the door, they stepped into the house, and were promptly assaulted by 5 men with handguns who tied Mark and Eddie up with Bert, bundled Jess into a car and left Bert, Eddie and Mark for dead.

CHAPTER TEN

         “Crap” Mark said.
“Bugger” Bert said.
“Crap bugger” Eddie said.
“What solution do you propose for alleviating ourselves from this situation?”
“I dunno man, any clever ideas?”
“I don’t believe that is the case, and what about Jess?
“What about Jess?” Mark replied defensively.
“Your rather lengthy speech outside. I heard the entire monologue from here. Listen my fellow Englishman, i apologise for competing for her affection. I had little inclination that you your feelings were enormously stronger than mine.”  Bert bowed his head, a gesture of defeat.
“HA! It was bloody obvious i said that to get her in the sack. Goddamnit man, grow some fucking balls.” It tore Mark apart to say it, but he was embarrassed that his speech had an audience, and there was something fishy about this situation, something that made him mistrust somebody. Bert was the obvious candidate. He wanted to help Jess more than anything, but he didn’t want Bert to know.

         Taken aback by Mark’s hostility and apparent heartlessness, Bert looked around. The three of them were tied together with hands at their sides, back to back. “Righty-ho then buddies, how about we look for something sharp enough to cut through these bindings? I can’t think of much else.” Of course, they couldn’t find anything, and after various other schemes didn’t work out...

         “There’s only one thing for it.” Mark said sorrowfully.
“What might that be?” Bert said hopefully.
“We’re going to stay tied together, and go back to town to gather information about where those guys went and what they did with Jess. Maybe there we can also find something good enough to cut these stupidly thick ropes.
Bert’s surprise at Mark’s will to help Jess was quickly overcome by his bitter disgust. “There is absolutely no way that we are walking a mile, tied together by rope back to town, only to be ridiculed by the inhabitants! It will expend extreme effort on my part, will possibly crease my suit and i will have to spend more hours rubbing up against you commoners! There’s got to be another way...” Mark whispered something to Eddie, who grinned eagerly, then a loud noise interrupted Bert mid-sentence, but he carried on “another way! We will cut these ropes, there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing, that will force me to- AND OH MY GOD EDDIE DID YOU JUST FART?”
“Smelliest farts in Shitsville.” Mark and Eddie said together, Eddie with a hint of pride.
“Oh my god! That’s horrible! Right, we’re moving.” In his desperation to get away from the smell and out of the building, Bert leaped up, practically dragging Mark and Eddie towards the door, in defiance of Mark’s annoyed shouts and insults. As Mark and Eddie regained their footing, Bert bent over and pulled open the door handle with his teeth. Staggering outside, he breathed in the fresh air as if it was that gas they give you at hospitals that makes you feel goooood.

         Now, as a sufferer of anosmia, i find it difficult to know exactly how much of the smell produces by a fart stays with the person, and how much stays in the place where the fart took place, how much time it stays with the person, whether the smell dissipates outside etc. However, i think because it was the smelliest fart in Shitsville, regular laws of fart do not apply. Therefore i think it safe to say that Eddie was very smelly. This annoyed Bert and Mark. It’s difficult to manuevre with 2 people tied very tightly to you anyhow (or so i would assume, i don’t make a habit of this sort of thing in everyday life), but when these two people are incredibly angry and unco-operative, the entire escapade becomes a complete catastrophe. Gasps and shouts of pain could be heard along the otherwise quiet road as the trio stumbled, tripped, fell, swore, beat each other up, but attempting as fast a pace as they could- desperation drove them to the nearby town to help their friend Jess.

         Two black men followed at a snail’s pace a little way behind them, having seen the whole thing. A mobile phone rang in one of their pockets- an annoying rap tune blared out of the tinny speakers. He pulled out the phone, then held it there for a few seconds to show off the music (more commonly known as annoying passersby- seriously, if somebody has had rap/pop music shoved down their throats by the media all their lives and still doesn’t like it, are their opinions really gonna changed by the tune they’ve already heard billions of times, now played through mobile phone speakers?)
“Yo! Wazzup boss? How’s a homie gone’ get a good chase on if you keeps callin’ up all the time? Ya’ feeling me?”
“Turn your damn ringtone off and listen to me. These guys were more stupid than i thought. At first i believed you would be required to delay them, make their journey to Berkshire more eventful, however, it looks like this may go on for too long, and im tired. Speed them up.”
“Man how’s a guy like me gunna do a ting like dat! Where yall get yo’ dumb ideas from?” The guy on the other end had rolled his eyes and hung up.
         
CHAPTER ELEVEN

         Mark, Bert and Eddie slumped, exhausted, onto the grass. Still tied together, and completely worn out from their two hour journey. “I sincerely believe this was your fault, Mark. We can’t cut our ropes.”
“How was I to know this town was a victim of the knife amnesty?”

         Before another word could be said, a car pulled up next to them and two black men jumped out, knocked them unconscious and loaded them into the back of the car- then drove off.

         Mark slowly came to hours later. Having no idea where he was or what he was doing there, he sat up. He immediately noticed 2 things. One was a very large suitcase with a note attached to it, with an address written on the paper. The other was that Eddie was nowhere in sight. Curious about the contents of the case, but his love for his best friend overcame the curiosity, and he stopped a conveniently placed passerby to ask for directions. He was told where the address was, that he was in the county of Berkshire...everything he needed to know, infact. It struck Mark that an Englishman was that willing to give as much information he did, and thinking about it made him stop for a second. Did he recognise that man? From the kidnap- no, of course not. Such weird things were happening, his brain was messed up and imagining things. He ran with the suitcase towards the address.

         “Eddie!”
Eddie’s face lit up, he had been lying down blubbering like a baby. But the two guys were overjoyed to see each other. They ran into each other’s arms and stayed there in a friendly bear hug. Then they sat down and Eddie explained he had just woken up there, and waited for Mark.

         They had no idea why Mark was given an address leading him to Eddie, not to mention why a couple of guys knocked them unconscious and brought them to Berkshire, and all the other crazy shit that had happened to them. They opened the suitcase.

         Their eyes widened in shock. Another note: “Jess is in the building”. The rest of the case consisted of what seemed like an arsenal of weaponry. Grenades, sub-machine guns, handguns, knives. Mark was a relatively normal guy. He had never touched, or seen a gun used except in movies. No prior knowledge or experience whatsoever. However, for reasons unknown to all women, he picked up the gigantic instruction manual and threw it away.
“What are you doing?
“If Jess is in there, we’re getting her out.”
“But do you know how to use all this?”
“We’ve both seen the films, it can’t be that hard. However, we have to plan this correctly if we want to- Eddie, put that down.” Eddie had picked up a grenade and was inspecting it carefully. He threw it up and caught it, mesmerised by its in-air motion. Suddenly, he missed the catch. The pin caught on his watch, and pulled out.
“SHIT!” Mark cried, and picked up the grenade. He threw it as far away from them as he could.

         The grenade flew towards the window of the building near them, and smashed the glass. An earth-shattering explosion followed, and then shouting. “Well, that’s our element of surprise gone, and our planning period.” Eddie’s bottom lip quivered. “I’m sorry Mark”
“Don’t worry buddy. It’s not your fault. Now take these, and remember those movies. We can be like James Bond. Or Jackie Chan. John McClane.” Eddie smiled, and took the guns Mark offered.”John McClane” Eddie said wistfully.
“Good.” Mark said “we’re trying to find Jess, ok?”

         They marched down the hill, loaded with guns and ammunition, Mark carried grenades, and even bombs. A real two-man army.

CHAPTER TWELVE

         A scene like a regular James Bond movie unfolded in the building, in that the two of them stood there while hundreds of people fired automatic weaponry at them, with thousands of bullets coming close but not one hitting them, yet Eddie and Mark could pick them off one by one with aimed shots. It doesn’t make sense, but neither does this book so i think i can get away with it. They ascended the stairs together and came to a corridor. For the sake of finding Jess quickly, Mark went left, Eddie went right, while British political parties all went straight down the middle because they were too scared to put their necks on the line for anything worthwhile.

         A shot rang past Mark’s ear. Reacting quickly, he turned towards the source of gunfire and shot blindly, hitting the villain straight in the head (what a convenient plot device). While he stopped to admire his shooting, another baddie jumped on Mark from behind, knocking the gun out of his hand. They wrestled on the floor, Mark pinning the slightly smaller man down with his arms and choking him. He kicked Mark in the nuts and broke free, grabbing for the gun. He reached it, and turned to fire at Mark, who kicked it sharply out of his hand, and pulled up his leg to stomp on the guy’s head.
“Hold it right there!” Mark turned to find out where the voice came from, knowing, but not believing. It was Jess! His heart filled with joy, and he felt the urge to run towards her and take her in his arms, never let go. But then he saw the depths of the gunbarrel pointed at his face, and the cold, evil glint in her eye. What was going on?
         
CHAPTER THIRTEEN

         Eddie and Mark lay tied together in a familiar position, unable to move freely, especially with Jess’s gun pointed at them. Mark had no will to move anyway. His heart shattered, the one girl he had opened up to, the woman he had trusted and risked his life for- betraying him, lying to him like an MP hungry for votes. He did not understand. He wanted desperately to understand, but understanding made it all real. He feared the lack of knowledge would eat away at him from the inside, but the knowledge would tear him apart and leave him a wreck of a man. The gaping hole was opening.

         “You worked it out yet?” Jess asked.
“No. Jess. Why? Why are you doing this? No human could do this.”
“You really don’t get it do you? I’m not human at all.”
“What the fuck?”
“This whole thing was for a book. The writer thought it would be funny to put an upper class guy with you two and see what happened. Then throw an attractive girl into the mix. Mark, you and Eddie are the only real people in this entire thing. The rest of us- all included just to make the story more exciting. Periwinkle and Pickles were sent to make an otherwise boring journey more exciting. The kidnappers- to get you riled up and angry, get some cheesy action scenes in. The two black men- to speed things up when the writer decided it was a waste of time trying to make this a full-length novel.”
“But i loved you....we were perfect for each other...”
“Exactly! Too perfect! It’s because i was CREATED simply to make you fall in love! Men do crazy things when in love. You being in love would make the book far more interesting. Why else would I have come all the way to Berkshire with you?”
“But what about our kiss? What about the things we said?”
“I have no more time for questions.” Her phone rang. “This will be the writer now. He gives us instructions from time to time. Hello? Yes, they’re right here. Initialise the final stage of the plan? Affirmative. Goodbye.” She hung up as Mark watched in horror, tears pouring down his face.
“Now, of course.” Jess said “you both have to die.”
“Why!”
“Well, torturing somebody in this way, manipulating them like this, can’t be legal can it? If you tell anybody, we’re all screwed. So you have to die.” Jess raised her gun.

         But then....ANOTHER STUPID, PREDICTABLE PLOT TWIST HAPPENED. Jess’s head blew off. Blood gushed everywhere, and pooled around Eddie’s and Mark’s feet. Both upset and confused, unable to take it all in. Then Bert walked through the door, shotgun in his soft hands. “Hello there! I do believe you two were in a little spot of bother there, do you not agree? I bet you’re sooooooo glad i came along to save you. I got the note and case too, but instead of going along myself, i gathered all the men i could get with the money at my mansion to assist me. I witnessed the awful revelations from outside, and i must say, i am quite displeased with this writer. He seems like a manipulative bastard with a terrible storyline.” Mark and Eddie looked up at Bert, and Mark nodded. “His reign of terror cannot continue with more people like us. We must find him and stop him!” Mark gritted his teeth in anger, and imagined all the horrible things he would do to the author of this story....