Random Autobiography

I was born in a townhouse in Washington D.C.
The townhouse,
not a hospital.
My dad delivered me.
He’s not a doctor.
I call myself “petite” because it sounds
more womanly.
I’m 5’ 1½”.
The half counts.
I think I was born in the wrong time period.
I should have been born 177 years earlier than I was, in 1815.
And in England.
My second grade teacher got married and her name changed
from Miss Boyle
to Mrs. Kobbe.
I never got used to that.
I play piano because
I love it.
Retardando and Rallentando mean the same thing.
Piano taught me that.
I think I’m good at things that others don’t.
Automatic toilets were a terrible invention.
I’ve hated them
since I was three.
Claire once told me that she’d never seen me cry.
I cried in front of her that day.
Nothing rhymes with my name.
What does “Bite the Bullet” mean?
Onions frying in butter is a grand old smell.
I once blew my top over a lost pair of socks.
I wasn’t really mad about the socks though.
I’m brown, not brunette.
When I was little I thought I could make a ton of money off a restaurant where all the food was free, because everyone would come.
I yell at the screen in the movie theater.
9/11 taught me what “terrorism” was.
Why couldn’t I have learned that from a dictionary?
I laugh at jokes I don’t understand.
My voice is spectacular in the shower.
A girl in Kindergarten hated me
because I got a cat.
I use words I don’t know the meaning of
in hopes that the other person won’t either.
The truth broke my heart.
About humanity.
About Santa.
I’m in love with three different men.
Luckily, they don’t know each other because they are from three different books.
I’m a good-girl.
I stole a mint once.
I thought it was free.
I’ve been an arrant fool,
and an errant fool.
Slightly different
but a fool nonetheless.
I used to cry when I skinned my knee.
Now I cry because letters have been replaced by emails.
I’ve changed.
My hair went from short, to long, to short again.
If I can’t be found,
I probably don’t want
to be.
My baby blanket
is green.
Chewed, frayed edges, holes in the middle.
It’s still warm though.
I have a vivid imagination.
So I’m slightly afraid of the dark.
I open my mouth wide when I laugh.
I’ve squinted my way through every photo.
I’ve been wronged.
I’ve been righted a few times as well.
I dropped Ian’s
Easter egg.
I think he forgave me eventually.
33 is a good number.
That’s how many cousins I have.
I like to think of myself as “Avant-garde” because it’s French.
My friend’s Mom’s sister met someone famous.
I don’t remember who.
A fortune cookie
lied to me.
I’d rather eat a drumstick than a salad.