The Door of Light

I see myself… Standing, just standing there on a perfectly strait road, staring down at it, following its path until it disappears from my sight. I know in my heart that at the end is that door of light that I know will lead to the life I so desperately need, but as mush as I know what lies at the end, I know also, that road itself continues for eternity, making my goal impossible.

I look up, I see what just might have been the spark of some impossible, great blaze in the pit of blackness that is my eyes. I begin to walk, slowly at first but the farther I go the faster I go. I feel my feet, carrying me as if by their own will, driving me to push forward, emphasizing the knowledge in my mind that I need to reach that door at any cost. Then with despair in my heart I watch as I slowly come to a stop, falling to my knees as I accept that my reward is vastly beyond my reach.

I choke on my misery, standing there, as pitiful as I have ever been, knowing that I need to reach that door, but knowing without a doubt that I haven’t the ability to get there. Tears flood uncontrollably from my eyes as I grapple with the fury building within myself, I hate myself, Im so weak, so pathetic even in my own eyes. I want to explode, to change myself to be stronger and faster than I know is possible, I want so badly to reach out and touch that door, that impossible goal that is my salvation.

With no warning, I scream out in rage, a small blaze starts within that lightless pit as I jump to my feet, blind determination to prove myself wrong, that I can do what no one else can, that the impossible is possible, because of the vast well of power that sleeps inside of me. In that moment I take off, running as fast as my legs will carry me, fighting to reach the end of this endless road. I cry out again, this time in triumph, I discovered something, I watched myself run, feeling hope and a euphoric sense of pride in myself. All of that disappeared in the space of a moment, because as I watched myself, running, desperately trying to catch my dreams, a rock, just a simple rock catches my foot and I come tumbling down in all my glory back to the black asphalt of the road, like a crystal, shattering against the cruel, unforgiving surface of life, the barrier of possibility.

I see myself, lay there, I scream to get up, to keep going, but I cant hear myself, All I hear is my heart beating within my ears, I feel hate build up inside me, hate for the cruel, ironic whirlpool that I’m forced to endure, my life that I’m struggling so hard to escape, like a beast raging against the chains of its captivity.

I roar out in fury, the sound of it like some great, unknown beast born of rage and fury, its cry being tangible in its fearsomeness. The roar resonates in my mind like a crashing wave, battering me even as it ignites that fire even more. I hear myself scream words that rebound off the landscape, a challenge to the limits of life and the impossibility of the task before me. “I WILL NOT LOOSE” I say it as I pick myself up, ignoring the cuts and bruises on my arms and face, I cant feel them, nothing exists but me, the road under my feet and that palpable force that is my frustration and drive to succeed.

Once again I take off, running faster than I ever have before, with speed born of a will to make endure, to succeed, no matter what the price is, born of the flame that has begun to flare within my eyes, a flame of determination and strength that pushes me ever farther, like an angel of vengeance sent to push me forward to that door that I can never reach.

The landscape flies by as I sprint, running as if I were the wind itself, racing against time as if it were something I could outrun and beat, then I feel myself begin to slow down, tiredness finding its way into my limbs, a new wave of hate roils out from my soul and I push myself even farther.

“Harder, harder, harder, HARDER!” The words spill from my mouth as tears of pain and frustration spill from my eyes, a crystal trail falling behind me, as if it were a testimony to desperation, and my self loathing.

It works, but only for a moment, I fly on the wings of my all-consuming need, my unendurable, unbearable fear that I will never make it, that I will be on this desolate road for the rest of my miserable life. My legs begin to seize and falter beneath me, I cant stop them, I scream and try to push myself even harder, but it is futile, my efforts were for nothing.

Tears flow from my eyes as I see myself tumble, time slows as my legs give out from under me, I watch in anguish as I pitch forward, unable to keep my balance I fall to the ground, rolling and bouncing along the road suffering cuts and scrapes and worse, to my entire body. I finally come to a stop, beaten yet again by life’s incredible, unstoppable weight. The fire that burnt in my eyes has gone. I weep silently, knowing once and for all that I have taken my last step, I see myself there, totally spent, wasted on a journey that will never end, a task that cannot be accomplished, a dream that refuses to be caught.

I stay there for a lifetime, not moving an inch, quietly smoldering against my fate set in stone, choking as I try to gulp air into my burning lungs, trying to see through my tears, even as they sting my eyes. I roll over, feeling broken bones and torn muscles grind and writhe beneath my skin. A howl of pain escapes my lips, it sounds weak to my ears, like the last breath of a wounded animal that failed to defend itself from deaths inevitable grasp.

I pound the ground with my broken fists, rebelling against the pain, the unbearable, unendurable pain that wracks by entire body with each and every breath. I ignore it all, its nothing to the pain that has twisted my soul, a pain so horrible, so all-powerful that no words exist to describe it. I look down at myself, I weep to see the bitter, destroyed creature that lays before my eyes, screaming and howling, no longer even recognizable as a human, just a pitiful creature that reached for something vastly beyond its grasp, and now suffering for its grave mistake.

I curl up into a ball, no longer possessing the energy to push against the ironic fate that seems to have been my inevitable end to everything I did to avoid it. I who gave my life to reach the door that was my salvation, am cursed to die upon this road, listening to deaths cruel laughter, my only company in my lowest moment. Darkness begins to fold around me, I don’t like it, I need to get away, but my body is unresponsive, it wont budge, I see fear in my eyes as the world fades from all existence, the impossible task now forever gone to me.

I don’t want to die, I watch myself with despair. Unable to watch any longer I turn away, hiding my face in my hands, hoping to stop the tears that threatened to flow once again. I hear something, something that shouldn’t be possible. I turn back around to see myself, moving, trying to stand up. I am awestruck, taken by the sight before me. I refuse to die, even when I am totally, undeniably beaten I still struggle, I still wont give up, I have come to far to give up, and I swear on my very soul that nothing, not even death will keep me from that door. I manage to get onto my hands and knees, my broken bones miraculously supporting my weight. My arms quiver, and then I snarl as they buckle beneath me, and I’m on the ground once again.

“NO” I scream, I declare to myself that I refuse to be beaten, by anything. Slowly I push myself up on my hands and knees once more, not quivering even in the slightest as I move one leg up to hold my weight as I stand. My leg holds as if it were whole once more, and slowly, still weak and broken, I rise to my feet, standing in defiance of impossibility itself, challenging it to stop me. I watch in wonder as the world zooms back into existence. I don’t move, but it flies back to me as if thrown from some unfathomable place in the universe. I feel my bones knit, my muscles heal, at a rate that is totally impossible, a blessing and a confirmation that I can never be stopped.

I stand there, drawn up to my full height. A quiet smile, sliding across my face, I feel my muscles ripple beneath my skin with immeasurable strength, my bones are stronger than steel, supporting me as I prepare for the last stretch of my race. I gaze down the road and as if by a miracle I see it! The door sits there, its within my reach at last.

I take a step, then another, and another. I slowly begin building speed until I’m running, then suddenly I stop, the smile widening in my face, now sure that I am totally unstoppable. In one moment I gather all my energy, every scrap I can gather from every recess of my being, it draws into me, filling my soul like a jar until its full. My spirit thrums with power yearning to be released, it fills me, like a raging fire contained within the shape of a man. All my determination explodes like a nuclear blast. Time slows to an infinitesimal speed and I watch as I crouch low to the ground, breath catches in my chest as if it were the moment before a drop from a clifftop. I see a fire, blazing white, pouring from my eyes like the very gates of hell itself, emphasizing evermore the rage, the power, the strength of will that will carry me, faster than reality allows, straight to my goal.

The ground cracks and flies apart as I push off, running at a speed impossible to follow. Speed no longer describing me as I break all bonds of possibility. The surroundings blur and fade as I run, the light unable to keep up with me, unable to match my impossible pace. I see it, growing in the distance, and I know I will reach my final goal. My body feels no fatigue as I continue to accelerate, running ever faster until light streaks behind me, leaving a brilliant path of energy in my wake.

In the space of a second its all over. I stand next to the door of light, my dream, my hope, my freedom. A feeling of gratification completely unknown to anyone else that will ever exist for the rest of eternity, and a knowledge that I have done what no one else will ever be able to do. I did the impossible, I laid everything on the line, I pushed myself beyond the limits of life and reality in itself and became something that knows no boundaries or limits and can accomplish anything.

I smile, a look of triumph and hope that would be left behind for me as I wake up the next morning, to sit down that night and set my dream in stone so I could never forget it. The last moment of my dream, I watched the being that I finally became, still smiling back at me, open the door of light that I’ve yet to reach in the real world, and walk inside. I know what he found there, in that paradise he has become everything that I am struggling to be. Let this dream be my own testimony and prophesy that by any means necessary, I will find a way to face those insurmountable odds and discover the strength within me to make it to my own door of light.