Nothing

As I sit on my front porch watching the downpour around me I feel nothing. I light another cigarette and let the thick smoke fill my lungs. I open my mouth slightly and watch the wisps of smoke dance their way out of my mouth past my nose and be carried away by the gentle breeze. My mind seems to float off with the smoke. Nothing seems to matter as I look off into the night and watch the heavy rain turn the gravel driveway into a murky swamp. My youthful body is tired and worn from the punishment I've put it through. My mind is weary from the stress of this cruel world. Nothing pleases and nothing can satisfy. My appetite for living cannot be silenced by this place. I've slowly watched my mind die like a spectator at a sporting event. My heart has grown empty struggling to find the emotions society expects one to have. It yearns to make connections with others but it seems as if it speaks another language. Lost in a world of love and lust it remains closed and hidden from the world. Putting it away like a bottle of wine I let my heart age. Let it learn and grow while it sits dormant in my chest until it is one day ready to be opened and shared. I take another puff of the cigarette and walk into the middle of the driveway. Letting the heavy drops of rain crash into my face I stare up into the night sky. The stars glisten against the pitch-black sky and the moon illuminates the thousands of raindrops during their freefall from the heavens. My soul longs for a companion. I want to feel needed but as I search within myself all I find is lonely darkness. A murky abyss where memories have faded into nothing and joy is an unfamiliar pleasantry. Happiness is a brief moment brought on by pointless acts of self-destruction. Truly caring for someone and needing them is a lost whisper is this dark and silent night, which makes one wonder if it was ever truly there. Is there such a thing as true happiness or is it just a wonderful dream I made the mistake of waking up from?