Midlife Reflections

I cry as a sister.  I cry as a mother.  I cry as a woman.

For some, life is affirming.  For me, it is a trial.  Every day brings with it new challenges, more heartache and more sadness.  When the pain in my heart becomes overwhelming, I try to channel it into something good.  I feel as though I am seldom successful.  Like most, I hide beneath a mask.  Everything feels like a façade.  On the surface, my practice of doing yoga seems an extraordinary effort to find peace.  My exercise in the morning gives me momentary energy to get my day started.  In the end, these activities seem nothing more than a mask; hiding the sadness lurking underneath. 

I give myself credit for going to bat day after day.  I know I give it my best effort.  I fear it falls short of the goal.  I wonder if people around me know how sad I am.  I wonder if they can see the tears that do not fall.  So much effort to be invisible really should have some benefit.  But does it?

The family doesn't talk anymore.  His death changed all that.  I know they are afraid to face what is.  But I am sad that we are unable to find solace together.  I fight alone-for myself, for my children-for the great life I know I will have one day.  It's a lonely fight much of the time.  But I hang on knowing I can make a difference in some small way...with someone.