Mark

Lights up to reveal an apartment, boxes are strewn about obviously someone is moving out. Stage left is a hall leading to the front door, stage right is the door to the kitchen. Mark is sitting on the couch, talking on the phone. Carol is cleaning and packing.

MARK
Yes. Yes. I know. Listen, I told you I would give you my boss, but I never said anything about my crew, they walk.

Doorbell rings

MARK
Well then there is no deal. Yes. You aren't going to get anything out of these guys that you aren't already getting from me.

Doorbell rings

MARK
Would somebody get that! Well I think I am in a position to negotiate.
Doorbell rings

MARK
For Christ's sake would somebody answer the fucking door.

Carol
I'm busy! You get it!

MARK
I'm on the fucking phone! Sorry what? Look I came to you, without me, you got nothing. Exactly, just make the deal.

Doorbell rings

MARK
Jesus H. Christ. Just fucking come in already! And another thing, these guys you got me a fucking worthless, my wife went to the store yesterday and she actually caught them sleeping. Tony knows what's going on. Vinney got clipped last week down in Hell's Kitchen. So unless you want me to dissappear_

BOBBY enters stage left, CAROL enters stage right.

MARK
Just take care of that OK? Yeah yeah go fuck yourself. Who the fuck are you?

BOBBY
Um... is this a bad time. I'm uh your neighbor. You know what I can come back.

CAROL
No no you'll have to forgive my husband, bad day at work honey?

MARK
Shut up. Don't talk about my business. Who let you in?

BOBBY
Nobody, you said to come in. Was that alright? I know I shouldn't have just walked in but you said_

MARK
No no I mean...

BOBBY
Oh you mean the two cops outside? They were taking a nap and I didn't think it was right to wake them up.

MARK
Jesus. See what I'm talking about Carol? I'm gone. I'm gonna get_

CAROL
So you are the new neighbor, what can we do for you?

BOBBY
Well, I know it's a little cliche, but can I borrow a cup of sugar?

MARK
Ha ha ha. You're kidding right?

BOBBY
No. See it's my girlfriend's birthday today and I'm making her a cake.

CAROL
Baking.

BOBBY
Excuse me?

CAROL
Baking. You're baking her a cake. You make food, you bake a cake.

BOBBY
Right. Baking. Anyway I'm out of sugar and I still haven't figured out the neighborhood. Manhattan can be very confusing.

CAROL
Yeah I think we can do that. You don't mind do you dear?

MARK
Do I have a choice?

CAROL
Have a seat, I'll see if we have any. And be nice to the poor boy he is our neighbor after all.

CAROL exits.

MARK
So uh... where you from?

BOBBY
Oh, all over, my work keeps me moving around so I'm never in one place for too long.

MARK
Really? What do you do?

BOBBY
I'm a cleaner

MARK sits upright in his chair and sticks his hand behind a pillow. CAROL enters.

CAROL
I'm sorry I forgot to ask, did you need white sugar or brown sugar?

BOBBY
White.

CAROL
So you have brown sugar.

BOBBY
No I don't. Why?

CAROL
Well doesn't the frosting recipe call for brown sugar?

BOBBY
I'm actually kinda winging it on this one.

CAROL
You aren't following a recipe?

BOBBY
No ma'am. I don't have one.

CAROL
Oh my God! You can't bake a cake without a recipe. Hold on a moment, I've got a great one that my grandmother gave me. Be right back.

MARK
Carol, I think the boy just needs his sugar so he can be on his way.

CAROL
Oh it's no trouble, it'll just take one second.

CAROL exits

MARK
So. What exactly do you clean?

BOBBY
Oh you know, the usual. Offices, corporations, restaurants.

MARK
And just who do you work for?

BOBBY
Well I'm an independent contractor.

MARK
Really? You make this kind of money as an independent You must be very good at your job.

BOBBY
Well I don't like to brag, but people say I'm the best.

MARK
Really? How much do you make?

BOBBY
Oh it's not bad, about fifty grand per job, more for the really dirty ones.

MARK
Messy work? Cleaning that is?

BOBBY
Yeah it can get a little messy, but you know what they say. It's a dirty job...

MARK
But somebody has to do it?

BOBBY
Right. Anyway enough about me, what do you do for a living?

MARK
I'm in construction.

BOBBY
Good money in construction right?

MARK
Not bad.

BOBBY
Yeah. Better money if you can get your hands on a government contract right?

MARK
Yeah.

BOBBY
You ever get your hands on one of those government contracts... Mark.

MARK quickly starts to pull his hand out from behind the pillow and BOBBY jumps up reaching towards his back when CAROL walks in. Both men relax.

CAROL
What a gentleman, standing when I walk in. No need to be polite dear, sit down and make yourself comfortable.
I was just wondering if I could offer you some coffee.

MARK
No. Nobody wants coffee.

BOBBY
Actually some coffee sounds nice. Black, two sugars. White not brown.

CAROL
Well aren't you funny! Any for you Mark?

MARK
I think I'm fine Carol

CAROL
Suit yourself.

CAROL exits into the kitchen.

BOBBY
So. What were we talking about?

MARK
Government contracts.

BOBBY
That's right, government contracts. You ever get any of those?

MARK
Yeah. I'm actually working on one right now, just trying to seal up all the loose ends and such.

BOBBY
Well good. Good for you. Don't let them screw you, you know those government types, always trying to get one up on you.

MARK
Tell me about it. So how are you liking living uptown?

BOBBY
I like it, I'm actually thinking of settling down and opening up shop here. It's a lot better then the last place I was.

MARK
And where was that? If you don't mind me asking.

BOBBY
Not at all, I was just down in Hell's Kitchen last week and let me tell you something, the name doesn't fit.

MARK
Better?

BOBBY
Worse. That place is horrible.

MARK
I was born in Hell's Kitchen.

BOBBY
Well then you know what I'm talking about right? I've been cleaning for years and I've never seen an area that needed my services more then Hell's Kitchen does. I was afraid to walk home by myself at night. Good thing you made like the Jefferson's

MARK
The Jefferson's?

BOBBY
Yeah. You know, moving on up to the east side, to that de-luxe apartment in the sky. Man I loved that show when I was a kid. True I only saw the reruns but still. You ever watch it?

MARK
Can't say I did. I was too busy working.

BOBBY
Were you a contractor even as a kid?

MARK
No I was a delivery boy, for a small restaurant.

BOBBY
And look at you now huh? A boss.

MARK
Excuse me?

BOBBY
I'm sorry, are you a manager at the construction company or do you own the place.

MARK
I guess you could say I'm a manager. Do you mind if we talk a little more privately?

BOBBY
Not at all.

CAROL enters with a cup of coffee and a note card.

CAROL
Here you are. One cake recipe, and one cup of coffee, black with two sugars. White not brown. I hope you don't mind but I added a little bit of flavoring, it smells faintly of bitter almonds but it is tasty.

BOBBY
Not at all. Thank you ma'am. Oh dear.

CAROL
What?

BOBBY
I'm afraid I don't have any of this. Eggs, milk, I didn't know all this went into making, I'm sorry baking, a cake.

CAROL
Well then, tell you what, why don't I show you where the store is and we can pick everything up and then I'll help you make it.

MARK
Actually Carol, we were just having a lovely conversation, weren't we?

BOBBY
Yep, Mark here was telling me about his business.

CAROL
Was he? Well isn't that nice.

MARK
Yes it is. So why don't you run to the store and pick all that up and I will keep our guest entertained. He can pay us back.

CAROL
Well I guess I could do that. And when I get back I'll even help you bake that cake.

BOBBY
Thank you so very much Carol, I really appreciate it.

CAROL
How did you know my name.

MARK
Oh uh I said it earlier. How else would he know?

CAROL
Of course of course. Silly me. Anyway, I'll be back in a few. You boys behave yourself while I'm gone. And don't forget to drink that coffee while it's hot.

CAROL exits

BOBBY
Lovely woman, your wife. It is so nice of her to help me out like this.

MARK
Well what are neighbors for?

BOBBY
I'll really have to find some way to thank her after I finish up my contract.

MARK
With Tony?

BOBBY
I'm sorry?

MARK
Look lets lay it all on the table here. You get paid what about fifty grand per "cleaning" right?

BOBBY
That's right.

MARK
Well how about I buy that contract from you for say, one hundred, cash? I'll do the cleaning for you and you can relax for a few weeks.

BOBBY
Well I don't know if I can do that Mark. That's a lot of money.

MARK
OK OK how about this then, I hire you at my "construction company" and pay you fifty grand a month? With a bonus of oh I don't know seventy five for doing some extra cleaning around the office.

BOBBY
Well that is a tempting offer, Mark but I don't think I can let my clients down like that, they are expecting me to fulfill my end of the bargain. I didn't get my reputation just by selling my jobs to someone else.

MARK
Look there are two uniformed police officers sitting right outside the front door.

BOBBY
They are sleeping.

MARK
True, but I think a gunshot would wake them up don't you?

BOBBY
I really don't think so Mark, they are very much fast asleep, I don't think they will be waking up anytime soon.

MARK jumps up from the couch, pulling out a gun and fires. At the same time BOBBY jumps up throwing his coffee in MARK's face, causing him to miss. In his blindness he throws the gun at BOBBY and misses, it lands by the hall to the front door. Then, BOBBY pulls a gun from behind his back and shoots MARK. He drags the body into the kitchen, then runs to the phone.

BOBBY
Hello? Emergency I'm new here and I just heard shots from across the hall, when I came in to see what was going on, my neighbor was lying on the floor dead. Thank you.

CAROL enters while BOBBY is on the phone and picks up the gun. BOBBY hangs up the phone, and turns around noticing CAROL.

BOBBY
Oh. Hello Carol. Got everything you needed from the store? Mark said I could use your phone to call my girlfriend.

CAROL
Couldn't just drink the coffee could you?

BOBBY
Excuse me?

CAROL
I made it special for you and you just let it sit there getting cold.

BOBBY
I'm sorry.

CAROL
Tony and I had it all planned out a little cyanide in the coffee, then I come in and get rid of Mark and it looks like he poisoned you and you shot him for it. An open and shut case and best of all it's free but you just had to go and fuck it all up didn't you.

CAROL shoots BOBBY, walks over to him, pulls a cell phone out and dials.

CAROL
Let me talk to Tony. Tony? Hey this is Carol. Yeah it's all done. No he didn't drink the poison but it's OK, I still made it look like they killed each other.

CAROL absentmindly picks up the coffee and takes a drink.

CAROL (CONT'D)
OK I'll come down once I finish with the cops. See you soon. Love you too. Bye.

CAROL looks down and notices the coffee in her hand.

CAROL (CONT'D)
Oh shit.

CURTAIN