my secret

What do you do when your 2 fingers become your best friend and you cant hide the scars on your knuckles, you feel so out of control yet so in control,and you eat everything you see and every time is your last....one last time to get rid of the toxic feelings,people,lovers,him,memories,,despite the sickness,the pain in your gut,your swollen throat,the decay on your teeth and the blood on your fingers.knowing every time your destroying yourself more and more.self destruction becomes just another lover.the pain like good sex in a dirty hotel room.its your little secret,just a bad habit,we all have them.a substitution for the white lines you used to put up your nose until you again saw blood,a substitution for the blade you used to slide across your arm,for the sex with strangers.for the straw and light bulb,for the bottle of pills you ever so often indulge in.for the days spent starving yourself,in the end its all the same,another obsession,another addiction,a vice,a muse,to fill the void,to fill the hole in your deep dark soul.