Faction War - Ep 6: Orders from Command

EPISODE SIX
ORDERS FROM COMMAND

At the Trivial Base, Colonel Epps prepares to hand out the promotion.

EPPS
"Now, this soldier has been with me from the very beginning. I first met him in basic training. We were put out in the bush together and we had to survive for four days. I ran out of water on the third...no, fourth hour of the assessment. Now, this soldier was next to me. I asked him for his water, he said no. I asked why not. He said it was his water. I asked could he spare some. He said no. I asked why he couldn't spare some. He said he only had enough for the four days."

Charleston sighs and leans over to Twimby.

CHARLESTON
"Think he'll ever shut up?"

TWIMBY
"Shh...the story is getting good."

EPPS
"So I said, why'd you only bring enough for four days? And he said because that's the time we're out here. Now before I could even ask my next question, this soldier drew his knife and stabbed me in the hand...and the leg...followed by the shoulder...and finally the testicles."

CHARLESTON
"God Sarge, we don't need to know that!"

TWIMBY
"Speak for yourself..."

EPPS
"That's right, men. Your Colonel is ball-less. And it still seems that I've got more balls than any of you."

CHARLESTON
"Sir, physically that's not true."

AARON
"I think he's speaking metaphorically."

CHARLESTON
"But his metaphor doesn't make any physical sense."

AARON
"So?"

CHARLESTON
"Well...oh shut up."

Epps waits impatiently for them to finish.

EPPS
"Jeez, get to the point already. You two could talk for hours on end. Unlike me, I'm a man of few words."

Charleston and Aaron exchange glances and shrug.

CHARLESTON
"Go on, Sarge."

TWIMBY
(Whispers)
"He's a Colonel now, remember?"

CHARLESTON
"Will you just shut the fu - "

EPPS
"Now my promotion goes to a soldier who has been with me from the beginning. I first met him in basic training. We were - "

CHARLESTON
(Screams hysterically)
"The promotion, Colonel!"

EPPS
"Ah yes. Corporal Aaron, Congratulations."

AARON
"Thank you, sir."

TWIMBY
"Man, you were right Charleston. Aaron got it."

CHARLESTON
"Of course I was right."

Aaron walks up to Epps and receives his Sergeant Insignia.

EPPS
"Now, I've some startling news. Command has given us our first orders since we've been here. Gentlemen, we have to take...... the bridge."

Everyone is silent for ten seconds while they think about what he said.

TWIMBY
"What bridge?"

EPPS
"You know the bridge. The one behind the Federation base, the one we were sent here to capture."

TWIMBY
"You mean we were sent here for a reason?"

EPPS
"Yes! The Army doesn't just dump soldiers out of the way on a meaningless assignment. We are here to capture the bridge."

ALL
"Sir, yes sir."

EPPS
"You three will move out at 1500 hours today, any questions?"

CHARLESTON
"I have one. What's the importance of the bridge?

EPPS
(Stutters)
"Um, well...it's the bridge, ya know? The bridge. Not a bridge, but The Bridge."

CHARLESTON
(Confused)
"Right..."

EPPS
"Grab your gear and move out soon men. Good luck to you all. Dibs on Charleston's TV."

TWIMBY
"Shotgun stereo!"

AARON
"I'll take his girlfriend!"

CHARLESTON
"I'm still alive you motherf -"