Life Lines

Life Lines

I never really pictured my life heading this way. I always thought things would turn out differently. I was so caught up in trying to make things happen in my life that I over looked the obvious. Change in my plans and in my life's plans for me was inevitable. There is nothing more difficult than trying to find who you are, and what you really want out of your life; what your hopes, dreams, and expectations are.

When I was graduating from high school I had no idea life was such a challenge. I was over protected and had not yet determined a sense of who I was yet. I followed which ever path seemed easiest, only to find out later in life that it was one of my greatest mistakes. I took courses I thought would be easy, I just wanted to end up in the same classes that my friends were in. I did not want to meet new people, I just wanted to be in the company of people I already knew and was quite used to being around. Those friendships were later tested, and sadly none of them lasted. We all went our separate ways, some before high school had even ended.  One of my friends transferred schools and had become rather distant with her old friends; her new ones had long taken their place. The rest eventually went their own way too.

I wish I could say I had some plan for my life at that point but I didn't. Like a lot of other girls, I just wanted to pass high school and take a year off to figure out who I was and what would be a good route to take. Unfortunately, that was never really a possibility.  During my last year of high school all that mattered was the parties and prom, and of course passing your courses. Every girl made a big deal out of such a tiny insignificant night that would later prove to be a test for some of my former friendships (the results of which were not too blissful).  Prom was a night I would never forget, this was a night that was supposed to be full of fun and laughter, it was to commemorate all the years we had spent together trying to survive attending all girls school.  I don't remember it for any fond memories. I remember it for all the trouble it caused in my friendships, I remember it as the night my date behaved terribly and acted as if it was ok. I remember it as the night I had avoided him altogether and the night that would cause a rift between my friends. 

After prom many of us would not speak to each other, unless it was in unfriendly terms. We all chose sides like a bunch of foolish fifth graders. After graduation, many of us did not speak to each other. I ended up going to college and entering a program I again thought would be easy and fun. I was wrong. It was fun but not easy, I made several friends I never kept in touch with after the program ended. In my first semester I tried hard to succeed. I wish I could say I did the same in my second semester but that is not the case. In my second semester I was much more determined to have fun and date then to worry about my studies. I met someone that semester (not from my program or even my school) that I spent a good amount of time with. He had been a really great character. He was easy to talk to and get along with. I found myself spending more time going out with him then I had working on my assignments. As a result my marks suffered immensely.

If things had worked out between me and him I probably wouldn't have been so angry at myself for wasting time.  We ended up breaking up and going separate ways.  It would be nice if I could say this had little effect on me, but being the person I was I found myself missing him and wondering what went wrong.  If that was not bad enough, I had failed my second semester and would have to repeat it in order to graduate. Unfortunately that did not prove to be easy. I first had to earn the money for tuition first. After months of looking for a job I finally found one, the job proved to be quite an experience. Around that time I had met another guy, this time I was a little more cautious to begin with (but I soon found that impossible to continue).  He had shown me places I had never seen, and talked about some of his career goals (which made me think of my lack of goals). It was great while it lasted but like all of my relationships it ended in unfriendly terms . I had also changed jobs and worked hard to earn tuition.

In January, I re-entered my program to finish it once and for all. I also quit the job that I had dreaded waking up for. This time was different; I wasn't there for friends, or parties or guys. I worked hard; I set some career goals (in an entirely different field) as well as, educational and personal goals. This time I passed my program and I am now actively seeking a job to go back and take some high school courses that I need to take in order to enter the career field of my choice. I know that It will be a long way to get to where I want to be, but I also know that If I don't go for it I will be spending the rest of my days wondering what would it be like if I had taken that path.  In terms of relationships, I have not entirely ruled out getting into another one. This time though, I think I might be a little less eager, and a little more aware of what I want and need. I don't want to go into another relationship just for the sake of not being alone, I want it to mean something, I want it to teach me things and help me grow as a person.