Rant of the Disgusted Sh*t-paper

I am your trusted tissue paper and have literally stuck by you and stuck to you since the day you were born. I dried your eyes when you cried. I dried your other side when you had accidents. As time moved on, I wiped your nose and sometimes, you blew stuff into my body with a vengeance but it was just wet. Sometimes you blew a little blood in there but I could tolerate it. Now, you are mistreating me!

I can take the nose thing and even the bottom thing since your leftover feces is filtered, but the spit? I just can't handle the globs of spit with brown and green chunks heaving from your mouth right after you ate, embedding my delicate layers of soft thin tissue. If it was just the loose yellow stuff, I would absorb it delightfully but you are filling myself with nasty distasteful bacteria and virus infections. Then, you have the audacity to fold over my layers of soft lining and do it again!

Don't you think you could use a spittoon or a trash can? Maybe even the toilet! The toilet doesn't care if you load it with virus infection. The toilet will just send it packing down a river of other crap. Speaking of crap...you need to remember that the large stuff goes into the toilet and shouldn't be stashed in my delicate body!

I understand that some tissue paper won't go down that drain hole without stopping it up but be realistic here! Mine is soft and pliable! If you just grab hold of the left over dingle-berries and expect me to save them for you in a trashcan with your other junk, like worn out razorblades, nasty hair from your brush and even used up toothpaste tubes, bottles of smelly shampoo and conditioner, you have another thing coming.

I can't wait until Monday when the trash man comes to unload that piece of crap. If you can't get it all off while sitting on the toilet, then take a shower, man! Wash it off with a rag and don't clutter it into my body. Whew! I don't know what your diet is, but give me a break here! Keep the globs of hard boogers and the balls of shit out of my quilted, soft, layered body!

Be cool, man. Remember, I am here for you.