Culinary Crime Sweeps Elementary School

Month in Review: Culinary Crime Sweeps Elementary School

Austin Road Elementary was thrown into disarray on Tuesday November 13th when second grader Tommy Jenkins was given seven weeks out-of-school suspension. Authorities found the student in possession of lunchroom toast chewed into the replica of a Kalashnikov-47 assault rifle. Tommy was apprehended while showing off his high-powered toast firearm to his classmates at the cool kids table. After a series of intensive interrogations, 7.62 caliber tater tot bullets were discovered in Tommy’s pockets.
         
This was the first incident in a month-long epidemic of politically incorrect food crime. Soon after the Jenkins episode, school staff caught eight year-old Billy O’Hara taking cover behind the soda machine after he’d lobbed a kiwi onto the ground and yelled, “GRENADE!” Later that week, a weapons bust was conducted on table three, where a number of noodle nooses and banana shivs were uncovered. So far no student has laid claim.

On Monday the 24th, however, the lunchroom crisis took a turn for the worse. Special investigators dispatched by Superintendent Robert J. Reidy claimed to have identified WMDs (Weapons of Mock Destruction) under the chip dispenser. Among the evidence were traces of weapons grade plutonium lemonade extract.

The next day, Superintendent Reidy organized a pre-emptive strike without the approval of the Parent-Teacher Association. At 10:32 in the morning, a five-platoon lunch lady invasion force stormed the building. In the ensuing chaos, a wide range of armaments were seized—including: anthrax salt; napalm Jell-O; and black market, cold war era, intercontinental French Fry missiles. Reidy later claimed that due to Principal Meyer’s failure to immediately disarm the lunchroom of nuclear, chemical, and biological snack food, he had been forced to initiate phase one of the War on Imitation Terrorism.

Throughout the rest of the month, Reidy’s campaign annoyed and disturbed Mahopac at large. Children were forced to go through security checks as they boarded their school buses. Students complained of being harassed by security officials, and also of the bus ride taking way too long. Classes were disrupted by random search-and-seizures, although only a few Utz pretzel night sticks turned up.

At the end of the second marking period, Superintendent Reidy declared “mission accomplished.”  Yet this announcement may have been premature. Sectarian conflict continues to rage between the boys’ and girls’ tables over who has more cooties. Even worse, IEPs—improvised explosive pies—claim a new parking lot victim almost every day. Many students and teachers wonder if the War on Imitation Terrorism will ever end.