Specific Poems.

These are all bits I chose because they show who/what I am/am becoming. My views have been considered offensive before, so I won't be surprised if they are again, but I feel that much of the content in here are things most people feel themselves and simply won't admit.  So, this stuff is honest, possibly offensive, and often rambling, but it is what it is and I've been told certain parts are of value.  Judge for yourself.
-Cameron

Written about/for my girlfriend, who I see less and less of due to the chores we have to do every day (work/school/etc.)


restlessly

i climb the walls of my room

everything means nothing without you

everything that i have to do

obstacles keeping me away from you

and im supposed to be fine with that

Everyone seems to be

Supposed to do it all happily

i know im getting strange

when the world seems arrogant

i know im getting strange

when the world seems wrong

all the rules i should be abiding by

just a flock of meaningless lies

so much empty red tape

keeping me wrapped tightly in place

keeping me from being with you

i want to break free



***

If we had all the time

Could we still make it fly by

If sleep would let me dream

Would I see you every night

If I could just think

Of some way to make it right

Then maybe we could really be together

Whenever

And I've been thinking

Long and hard

But nothing's there

No answers at all.

So its an hour here

A couple there

That's all we can even afford to share

Are people even aware

Of how the world eats their time

Holds them in place

While life passes by

Do they even want to try

To make it right

Do they even realize

What more you can get out of just one night

Life is a fantasy

Convining illusion

I've come to the conclusion

That it's time to wake up

And feel alive

So alive with you

Spend every free night with you

Lie out under the moon

With your beauty washing over me

The deadlines always crash down too soon

Cant even make myself leave the room

Cant make myself let go of you

Cant stop just holding you

Try to reason it out

Let myself know that I have to go

Reason crumbles under those blue eyes

Reason crumbles with your lips against mine

Crumbles and fades from sight.


***
21 Sep. 2007

I just want to see those aquamarine eyes

Just want to feel them looking deep into mine

All of my time

Is becoming so stale

When I am not with you

My colorful life just seems to get a little pale

We do what we can

To be together I know

Just goes to show

What kind of world we are in

Wonder where did this begin

Because this world's priorities just do not flow with mine

When I am constructive and productive by your standards

I feel like I am wasting my time

Maybe I am ignorant naive or confused

Maybe all this tenderness will turn into abuse

Still I cannot seem to shake the feeling that I

Have figured out what really matters in life

And I can't see any money or power

Coming back to warm me in my final hours

I dont want to get ahead in the game

Yeah you know that I would rather not even play

If that would mean another minute away from your face

No I dont have another minute to waste

I dont want to have to try to remember your taste

Being with you is worth more than anything else

Right now I just dont want to be alone with myself

I hope that I can someday make everyone see

That we have been kept in the dark for centuries

And its time to stop living so blindly

You have gone and brought a change over me

I am not the one that changes easily

If everyone else could feel what we feel

I think that reality could be so much more real

I am your romantic howling at the moon

I need your presence and I need it soon

I am a bleeding heart that has never broken

I am all those thoughts that you have never spoken

I am an idea that has been set in motion

I wish that I could make them all see

That there is no need

For the daily disease

Of living at speed

Of hiding yourself

Inside yourself

You need to just let yourself breathe

Let it all be

Whatever it will

Just wait and see

Dont ever stress

Its all for the best

And all this writing is just killing time

Until I

Can feel those aquamarine eyes

Looking down into mine


***
Written after a lunar eclipse in late '07.



As the light is overpowered

With copper brown gold

and the colors embrace like lovers lost in the sky

Engulfing each other in the middle of the night


there's a girl somewhere alone in the cold

and a boy sitting restlessly in an empty home

both of them just want someone to hold

they're tired of doing what they are told


and the world wont allow it, no they wont stand for it

they sneak around and go behind other's backs for it

they hide something that should be praised by the world

they hide it like all the other boys and girls


so i sit here and write and try to forget

about the feeling of her lips

about pulling her hips

into mine


and i know its no good

the thoughts are stuck in my mind

all i can do now is kill off time

or hit rewind


whatever i have to do to be there again

as soon as i can

i'll have my arms around her

and my lips pressed to hers

and for just a little while everything will be right with the world.


This one comes from my more anarchistic side.  I'm not schizophrenic, but sometimes I seem to give up on being a good boy and go with my instinctive side.  I can't afford to be a rebel, but I can at least write about what I feel at times.  Again, it's more specific than most poetry... that's just how these come out. 


I'm howlin at the full moon

Howlin to the world

Tellin them all to back down

Because you know I wont

Let me be me

And you be you

All I see is paper and ink

Traffic lights blink

Public service gets so old

Serving 1000s of calories to obese people

Just doesnt hold any reward

All the rats race in their wheels

Spinning in space

They never slack off the pace

Keep on moving

Moving towards success

Its laughable at best

I want to run wild through empty streets

I want to uncover long lost secrets

Want to obey every primal impulse

Every ounce of testosterone simmering through my brain

Want to kiss my girl hard

Drive too fast in my car

Throw whips on my bike

Stretch them out too far

Abandon my technological life support

Shotgun targets in a gravel pit

Shattered computer with television bits mingled into it

Torch every starbucks

Burn down mcdonalds

Destroy all Wal-Marts

Throw down with cops

Laugh at the system

As it crumbles to the ground

Laugh as the stop lights

Turn from pink to brown

As Hummers collide

With SUVs that soccermoms drive

As news anchors' makeup

Runs out and reveals

That they aren't talking mannicans

Just regular people

Puppets on strings

Pulled from above

Snip them off

And hear the real stories

All this I want to do

When the full moon appears

And the chemicals inside me

Rear their ugly heads

Monsters waiting to be fed

With chaos and adrenaline

Recklessness and anarchy

A potent recipe

And instead I pop two benadryls

Doc says it helps me sleep

And go into a coma

Sleep without dreams

Awake in the morning

Too dead to feel anything

Like I felt the night before

Too dead to feel anything

Close to insanity

Sane again

I run with the other rats

And never look back.


***
Written after one of those inexplicable flashes of understanding and/or confusion I have at uneven intervals over the years, when I can close my eyes and take what may be comparable to an LSD trip (never tried it, but I imagine it's close to this) without ever leaving my room.


sometimes my mind crushes in on itself

and it won't let me think about anything real

it puts words into my mouth that i wouldnt have said

it puts the most ludicrous thoughts into my head

i don't know if i should laugh

or if i should lie dejected in bed

when this happens

it makes me a little crazy

makes me kind of strange

i'm still me at these times

but it's different anyway

that feeling like a head rush when you stand up to quick

that feeling you get when you think you might be sick

when you think that maybe you should give up

when you think that maybe you've got it all figured out at last

when my mind writhes around in its cage

and bashes at the bars begging to be freed

i poke little nuggets of thought in to keep it pacified

keep telling it to calm down, let me sleep at night

but the mind is nearly separate from the soul

sometimes i think it's trying to take control

of me

at these times

is that what is happening, when my head starts to pound

like a separate heartbeat, that's how it sounds

that's how it feals

surreal

and i fall back onto my bed

and close my eyes and press my hands over them

and little stars explode and implode and i might as well have left

the world and my life and the comfy bed

i travel through all sorts of epiphanies

yet not one of these is now familiar to me

i can't recall a single thing

from these times when my mind decides thought's not up to me

i just go along for the ride

and it breaks free of the cage

it delights in exploring the realms of me

the subconscious parts that i never usually get to see

is that what an acid trip feels like

when youve lost the right

to direct your thoughts?

its not an unpleasant feeling

but at the same time its frightening

to see all the things it's kept hidden from me

and all the problems are solved instantly

the answer was the problem wasnt a problem at all

i invented the problem, i wanted to take the fall

and the answer is like bucket of icewater

thrown into my face

i lock up in shock

as my mind reprimands me

tells me what i shouldve been thinking instead

i lay there in bed

as the universe wraps around me

drowns me

in things i cant understand

takes me through hell and through the promised land

reminds me that after all i'm only one man

i'm less significant than a grain of sand

and i come back to myself

after what feels like weeks

but the clock hasnt obeyed the delusions i saw

no time has passed at all

i can almost feel it retreating

shove it back in its cage

throw away the key

like it would matter anyway

it will always come back

always catch me offguard

always make me say the wrong thing, i'll look as surprised as they feel

when my mind decides to take ahold of me again

when it decides its time for another trip

another exploration of the unnamable things

the realm of consciousness reserved normally for dreams

i cant decide if i love this or hate it

its a combination

i want it to come back

to be taken away

but i also want to be able to say

the things i have to to get through another day

its a battle between the practical and romantic sides

the same battle i fight every day of my life

i want to see all these mysterious things

i want to be stretched to the limits of my being

i want to be dazed and confused and infused

with the feeling of something greater than me

the feeling satanic and heavenly

the feeling of terror and yet relief

the feeling i get when it comes over me

and i lay on my bed

and i long for sleep

monotony is killing me

is this a defense mechanism I see?

is that all it is, this part of me?

a routine i use to keep myself happy?

to distract me?

why then will it happen at the worst of times

when i'm talking to the girl, sublime

beautiful, wonderful, whoever she is

sometimes that feeling decides i can't win

and i can't fight it off, i give in to the game

and i'm filled with bitter resentment again

it drives off the ones that i so desperately need

then in my solitude it comes as a comfort to me

do i need therapy?

no, this is okay with me

i dont mind this feeling overwhelming randomly

life is less interesting without that part of me

life is less interesting without my mental journey

my travel through time and space and mind

to the places i so rarely find in life

to the beach with the stars pressing in on me

to the hands of the girl that makes me happy

to the end of the world

to the bottom of the sea

to the top of the mountains

to the innermost shades of me

to the sickening diseased

to the beautiful bereaved

to the faceless company

of those that need me

all the emotions i've ever felt

like wax under flame as they melt away

nothing compares to this ten second delay

that rips me away

from reality

and reminds me that there is always more to be seen.


***How is it that we have mad more technological advances in the past few centuries than in the rest of recorded human history, and yet life has failed to advance with our creations?


The incompetence of man to keep up with his own creations

World wide web and we live in warring nations

Capacity for global unity yet we still live in isolation

It's the separation

Of morality from innovation


We live in a world united by blinking lights

Yet still we continue to fight the same fights

Of 1000 years ago, what gives us the right

To turn our enlightened thoughts to machines of blight

What gives us the right?


Why is it that we are so well connected

Yet so many can sit alone and dejected?

My dissillusioned thoughts run on undetected

No one I've met has ever respected

This notion of mine that mankind's ineffective


Given peace we predictably turn to war

We're always out to unsettle the score

With the miracles we've created we only destroy more

Has it always been this way?

Must we always live in decay?

When did the world go insane?

Who is to blame?



You'd think with everything we've managed to create

We'd come up with a way to stop all the hate

Stop all those who continue to manipulate

The comman man crushed into remission

We all are alike, we can all be forgiven

If only someone was willing to make the change

Willing to stand up and willing to say

That life was NEVER meant to be lived this way

Come to your senses and then you might just feel

The discord echoing throughout the world

Electric hum won't let me be heard

I'm tired of communicating in the written word

More needs to be said than ever was

More needs to be done than ever could be

Can't you see?

Can't you see

What is becoming of me

As I watch you sitting there blindly

Accepting the fate that they prescribe so kindly

You couldn't object if you were in your right mind

What hope do you have if you've been convinced that ignorance is benign?

The 10 o clock news will tell you how a car crash killed

While we drop bombs and the death tolls build

That information isn't fit for your ears

What will happen when the average person hears

About the men behind the curtain pulling the strings

Would we still be sitting loving material things

Would we rise up in unity and overthrow the corruptors

All we're doing now is hurting each other

There needs to be a change but it seems too late

The sickness of man a symptom of sick fate

Don't let yourself follow without asking why

Don't be dependent on your superiors for lies

Get the truth you know the youth should rule this world

We all start out with a measure of innocence

Original sin is a scare tactic of those

Who would try to make you drown in a sea of imaginary foes

If we all continue on in this way

There won't be anyone left to say

That they saw it coming on the day

That man's creations outpaced his compassion

When we manipulated circuits into tools for distraction

The day that we consciously chose loss over gain

No,

Not one soul will be left to say

That we all should have seen it ending this way.

***
If you've actually read all of this, I applaud you.  That's a lot to take in in a short time, and I know much of it is rambling.  But I think by now you begin to see who/what I am.  That's all for now.