Family Ties

Every time it seems like life is mellowing and things are looking up, everything starts to crumble or be working against you somehow. Sometimes I wonder if I am cursed somehow? How would you even go about finding out if you were and by whom? There are days where by the end of the day I ask myself "Why did I even bother get out of bed this morning?" as the day would've gone better if I didn't. A majority of the time, I feel as if I am pulling rabbits out of my a$$ or places they wouldn't normally exist. I must say, some of my negative situations I have caused for myself and others have been beyond my control and for whatever reason, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, yet, it is always great when you can be in the right place at the right time although this doesn't seem to happen as often. As far as my family goes, I have learned that I cannot depend on them or trust them like most other people seem to be able to. They are happy to judge me and cut me down any chance that they can, yet they don't ever seem to recognize my successes or acheivements, just my mess ups. For many years I have done what I can to be better in their eyes and have realized that I am not ever going to be, regardless of what I do or how many successes or achievements I have. I don't trust them and am now to the point where I just don't want to know them anymore. Before making this decision, I was very frustrated, angry, and being around them was just stressful. When I finally accepted that my efforts are futile with my family and can put my time and energy elsewhere, I felt at peace. I knew I made the right decision for myself even though it was one of the toughest ones I have had to make thus far in my life. The people that I have found I can depend on and trust are close friends and acquaintences that have treated me more like family than my own biological family ever has. When I have needed help, I have been able to go to them and they have helped to lift me up instead of push me down further. It still makes me sad at times because I would love to be acceptable in my families eyes, yet I know that I won't ever be regardless of what I do, accomplish, or succeed at. I have comfort in knowing what I am and what I am not, regardless of what anyone might think or say I am.