Becoming Whole after the Loss of a Mate

At this time, you may have a few questions about becoming whole again.

·          What is does being whole look like to me?
·          How does it feel?
·          How will I know when I have reached this point?
·          Why do I want to be whole and how does this relate to how I feel now?

After you have experienced a death or divorce, eventually you will ask yourself where you go from here. To answer that question, you’ll need to take a critical look at your life up to now as an objective observer. This will allow you to detach from criticizing yourself or others, and understand how you got to this point. Knowing where you have been and how you got there helps you determine what worked and didn’t work. It will also assist you in deciding where you want to be. The operative word here is assisting. An assessment of your life’s journey is just a road map to this point in time. It gives you clues about what you may or may not want for yourself in the future. To truly know the person you want to become requires objective contemplation. In the end, it all comes down to the desire to be happy, which requires being whole. 

Being whole happens when you live your life in balance, in the present moment and with great joy. To get there, you need healthy boundaries, high self esteem and a strong belief system, and the knowledge of how to nurture yourself without expecting others to do it for you. This may sound like a huge challenge, but it is a challenge worth taking. It won’t be easy, but what you have been through wasn’t easy either. You may as well live the life your soul desires rather than being content to merely exist.

The feeling of being whole is something we often look to others to give us. We say things like “You are my better half” or “I was nothing without you.” This may sound good or even noble, but what happens when you lose that person? What do you do now to be whole? Were you whole in the first place? It would appear that you were in an illusion of what whole really is. When you are whole, you feel it in yourself. You are not looking for someone else to provide it. You know in your heart that you are okay just as you are. You are not looking for rescue or to be the rescuer. You are confident and you have vitality of life. You respect others and you respect yourself. You are a person who stands in your truth, no matter what that is. From this inner center of strength, you move from doing and existing to being. This is huge because it affects every aspect of your life. You no longer react to situations out of fear, but from a place of love and compassion.

Acting with love and compassion is your criteria for knowing that you are now whole. You act without ulterior motives because this is who you are. You can not only see your truth, but others’ as well. You are not arrogant or holier than thou, a trap some fall into when they think they know what is right or good for everyone else. You honor and respect each person’s right to be individual in their beliefs. There are also no attachments to outcomes. 
In the beginning of this process and beyond, you will become keenly aware that you must be vigilant in not only staying attuned to your inner voice, but taking the actions you feel are appropriate. Not doing so could throw you out of balance. The key is to be gentle with yourself. We are all human, and as the saying goes: “To be human is to err; to forgive, divine.” We all fall off the wagon from time to time. Just get yourself back in balance. 

Being whole or in balance does not mean that life will not throw challenges your way. We all have challenges and issues that arise, whether they are created by us or someone else. Some things are out of our control, such as death or being left by a mate.  When you live your life in balance, you will still feel the pain but you will move through it faster. You can also have deep compassion for the person who caused your pain, even if it is yourself. You won’t feel guilty for taking time to heal. You will begin to see life as it is, with all its majesty.

When you have an understanding of how being whole looks and feels, it is time to start the work to get there. You are a unique individual. There is no one on earth like you. So it is your responsibility to live the life that is uniquely yours in a balanced way. In my next article I will address what you need to do to start the “Journey of Being.”

©2008 White Lotus Life Coaching - Marie A. O'Neill is the founder of White Lotus Life Coaching. Her specialty is Life Renewal for Widows and Divorcees. Want More? Click www.whitelotuslifecoaching.com for more articles to help you move forward in your life. Are you ready for a life change click www.whitelotuslifecoaching.com  to down-load your free 5 day ‘Starting Over – Re-Creating your life after divorce or the death of a spouse” e-course?  Call or e-mail her to set up your free 20 minute coaching session. She can be reached at: [e-mail] or by phone [phone]