The Brief History of the Shortbread

The Grand and Mostly Truthful History
of the Great Empire of the Shortbread

In the beginning there was oil .. but alas no longer.
Once upon a snowflake lived a happy and sugared peoples. These are not the Shortbread people, but mentioning happy people and places usually gives the reader a feeling of euphoria, which I thought would be a good way to start.

In the Shortbread Lands the sky snowed sherbet and rained nitro-glycerine. The scenery was dominated by large and forbidding mountains which were little more than used muffin patty-pans pinched and twirled into a point. Their lives were ordinary if not mediocre. They survived the days sleeping until the giant lamppost went out and then indulging in a little blended ipod. The streets were lined with trampolines and little pet clouds that floated around and ‘woohph’ed at you if you got to close. All the entrances to every building were filled with a magical giant piece of food, so when you wished to enter or leave you would have to eat your way through. The birds flew upside-down and the fish swam backwards and all died, stupid fish.

This lack of live fish meant that there was a lack of seafood for the Empire and even more disastrous was the lack of entrainment for those cookies who spent their free hours fishing. This caused a national crises until the fishermen discovered fly fishing and the Empire thrived on a diet of poultry and carbon-dioxide.

The Lord at that time was a muffin named Eric Van LustBader. He died shortly after the Humbonengos Affair in suspicious circumstances. Rumours still circle today about how he died, the least expansive was that he died from food poisoning (which was a common disease that stripped hundreds of Shortbread peoples of their foodyness) to the most expansive which was that he died at the hands of a massive mechanical granite lobster hit man, designed and controlled by his wife in a desperate attempt to steal his gumdrop buttons. Nothing has ever been proved.

So it was over to his two children who were still only amoebas at the time: Twisted and Twilight. (If you wish to read more about these particular individuals you can find it in another book). They survived through 100 years of famine simply by calling the help line and summoning Dr Who to the rescue. After that however came the biggest challenge of them all.

The evil Scottish overlord called Wee Scotti McGill, looked over into the peaceful lands of the Shortbread and felt hungry. He bought together a bunch of extremely evil people and together they made the ........ Evil Alliance!!!!!

Wee Scotti McGill, Darth Vader, Voldemort, Cruella Deville and many others joined in the campaign to crush the sugary goodness out of the Shortbread people.

They were of course defeated over the course of time when the Shortbread people simply constructed a wall of washing machines around their city. But the Evil Alliance was not beaten. The Shortbread people were attacked from above by the Evil Turkey Eating Cannibal Octopuses from Uranus. They were forced to flee.

They now live among us, ordinary people with ordinary names and faces. They meet together often in secret places protected by Autobot guardians, they await the day that they may rise again.

Written by The Unobrowed Mumujew with Jelly Jube Tubes
In conjunction with Moo-ha and Clive
Avdid Trensii