Uncontrollable Urges (Part 2)

Part 2 (make sure to read Part 1 first)


The day was not going at all how Kate thought it would. There really was nothing to do at home. They had a housekeeper to do most of the cleaning. Peter did most of the errands. Kate’s “job”, she guessed, was to keep herself looking presentable as Peter’s wife.

Daily she thought about her life. Before she met Peter, she had a job she loved. Being an ER nurse was a perfect fit for Kate. It had always been in her nature to help those in need. She could relate to their feelings of helplessness and genuine fear. Being a nurse was one of the many things she had to give up after marrying Peter. It was all discussed before the wedding, of course, so it came as no surprise to Kate when it was time to do so.

The other things she had to give up were much more important than her job. They were her dreams and expectations from life. Kate knew that giving up dreams and expectations was not unusual for individuals. Their lives were merging from single living and thinking, to living together, lives entwined.

Her dreams and expectations were simple. She wanted to love, really love her husband. Feel passion. After her parent’s poor example of marriage, she needed it to be that way. She wanted to raise children, and work a bit while doing it, if she could. It would all be played by ear. She could feel the lost freedom.

She also wanted a comfortable home. Not smooth, cold and sterile, like her current home. But, normal and warm, welcoming. She could always picture it in her mind. A place where she did the cleaning after a long day at work. A real home where she was constantly trailing behind, picking up after children. A home where the dog tracked in debris from outside and she could sweep it under the rug, because she knew there would be more by the end of the day…and the dirt didn’t really matter all that much anyway. Family did. Love did. Being together did.

It was a loss as strong as losing a loved one. Every day she lived with it and felt it. Living like this was eventually going to destroy her. But it was a sacrifice she would take- because there was no end to this, and she knew it. She just tried to live, everyday.

Things had been different before she met Peter. She was in love with Matt. He was everything to her, and she was everything to him. Their love was a love that stood when everything else was knocked down. They were natural extensions of one another. It all felt right. He felt right. Their love was right.

Until it all went wrong.

Kate had accused Matt of seeing someone else while they were dating. Matt denied it, of course. But Kate had seen more than enough when she spotted them holding hands at a restaurant, then later embracing.

That cut to the core. Cut to the very heart of Kate. Unfortunately all it did was split them up, it didn’t stop her from loving him. Then she had met Peter and the rest just kind of fell into place.

She needed to be involved with another person. Being alone after Matt, wasn’t an option for Kate. Sure, she could do it if she had to. But it was easier to try to get over someone while you had someone else. So, she agreed to marry Peter, not realizing how permanent and painful it would be. She was well aware of the hay-day a counselor could have with her.

She never spoke to Matt again. He had tried to tell her that he would never do that to her, that what she saw wasn’t what it appeared to be, that he loved her. Textbook answers as far as she was concerned.

As much as she hated her marriage, it worked. It was easier to be married to someone that you didn’t love or feel a connection with, that way they couldn’t hurt the very core of you. Matt had done that. She could feel it all the way inside to what made her who she was.

With Peter, Kate wasn’t afraid of being hurt. He would never cheat on her, never do anything questionable in public. He always had to keep up appearances. Peter would never physically hurt her. He would scare her, keep her on a tight leash, manipulate her and demand things from her. But never would he lay a finger to her. She could handle all of those emotions Peter made her feel because he wasn’t touching the one place that could really hurt her, the very core of her, her heart. The heart that still held so much love for Matthew Calder.