Dear Abuser

Dear Abuser,

         My caring counselor told me that I must write you this letter…  I have started this completely wrong, because once again, I am protecting you by not revealing your name, but old habits die-hard.

         I feel the compulsion to ask how your children and your wife are doing, but that makes my stomach turn, so I must assume they are alright and you do not have the need to ‘show them love’ the way you chose to show me, your precious relative.  (See, I protected you once again.) 

         As a child, all I desired was to be loved.  I was a very good, forced independent, lonely child.  With no one to protect me, I chose to seek some form of protection from the sick world I was born into, and I sadly picked you.  That is a choice I am still suffering from to this very day, but I wonder if you even know that.

         It was virtually impossible for me to escape you as a small child, but even more unfeasible as I slowly grew into adolescence.  I felt stuck, scared, ashamed, and weak.  I knew it was my responsibility to protect anyone from finding out, so I accepted my fate as the martyr victim and endured your disgusting words, hands, and body intruding on my soul.  It was best, because it would break their hearts if they knew you were such a twisted, evil bastard, so I lost myself for the greater protection of all…

         I thought when I moved far away from the box of sick memories I would escape you and my responsibility to protect your false image, but you were still with me sucking my trust, faith, dignity, and self respect.  You were with me when I met my husband and the first time I actually made love, watching me, reminding me of my duty as a victim.  You would just never leave me alone!  You twisted my view of myself, made my insides too damaged, both physically and emotionally, and you tortured my hopes for a future…

         You sick son of a bitch!  I finally tried to exorcise your demon self by confronting you after my father went on to the safety of heaven, far away from the truth of you, and how did you respond?  “I just could not help it.  We were both so sick.  We did not mean to love each other, so let it go.”  You sick bastard!  You stole the very words from my mouth that I had practiced for an entire year, and I could not speak.  No apologies, no shame, nothing.  I realize I had been molested by the devil himself!  The evidence of that darkness in you scares the shit out of me!

         On to my life I tried to create…  I have wonderful children, a bastard of an ex-husband, a job that never notices my flashbacks, a house payment that I struggle to make, a mistrust of everyone, and wisdom of evil I would wish on no one!  I have a long line of abusive relationships with men, mistakes, and udder stupidity with my choices.  You deserve credit for most of that, but it is my children that make me determined to erase the darkness of you… 

         You see, you sick bastard, they showed me the only light I have ever known.  It is for them that I am burying you right now.  Their light, love, and trust in me have given me the strength to exorcise you myself.  No need for answers or apologies because I have found them all in the eyes of my children.  I will protect them with all of my strength.  I have learned to love without fear or sadness.  I have learned that I am a good mother, a good person, and you cannot take anything else from me.  I will not let you take from me anymore!

         So, this is the final stand for me.  You and your sick self are now pushed out of my soul forever.  You are not allowed to enter my thoughts again.  There are walls of light, called my children, which surround me and will never let your dark heart to invade my space again!  NEVER!  You are dead to me, and my children and I will sprinkle our miracle memories on the dirt that covers you, smothering any opportunity for you to escape the rat-filled casket I bury you in.  If you try to escape your moldy box, I will stomp that sick smile right off of your face! 

         Savor your time of denial and sickness.  There will be a day someone will join you in that locked away place I have put you.  He will look kind, pretend to protect you, and hurt you over and over again.  So, enjoy.  He might even invite a friend or two from his fiery home to torture you, with a smile on his face…

                                                 With truth and honesty,


                                                 Your Undertaker