I need to let you know

Ah my dear beloved how could I ever explain to you what you mean to me? What you mean to my existence? I believe its an utterly impossible task. But ah... I am so stubborn and I hope you know that by now. What can I tell you though? Thers so much to say that sometimes I believe its better to say nothing rather than getting it wrong yet there are times when I am so terrified of losing you that I simply must say it. But my vocabulary is poor as is my mind and whenever I think of you its all lessen. Whenever I think of your beautiful face, plastered to a body of a god with the face of the most beautiful angel in existence. I know you become impatient with my silences and my stupidity. But if I tell you that I am sorry will it make it better? If I tell you that’s only because I want to soak you up whenever your with me. Because whenever your away its like my air is taken from me, my warmth every good emotion that could ever be experienced by the human heart is annihilated from me. But when you say hello to me, that simply word. The icy depths of my soul melt and I melt. Into one pot of self and I am happy. Oh so happy and yet so scared. Because my life’s always been full of goodbyes and incompetence. Please see that even though I need a lot, I want to be good. I really do try. Because to you I want to be the best, I want to be kind and I want to be whatever you wish me to be. But I am stupid and I am broken and I cannot leave without you. I simply cannot, perhaps once upon a life time I did, when I knew not of your existence and I continued living my shell of a life an existence full of nothing. Full of emptiness and lonely days, and ire and fear. But not now, not after I know how it feels to be alive, to be complete to be happy. Simply rawly happy. Because when you came into my life , its like all the puzzle pieces came to place. Like the dawn, shining with the force of a thousand suns to the land that had never seen sunlight. You are my sun and you are my moon and stars and you are me. Because I cannot exist without you. Perhaps before I breath oxygen and perhaps before my heart pumped blood to my being by itself. But that’s a shattered existence because you are my air now and the reason my heart pumps blood through my veins. And I know its silly and I know its not sane. But I am nothing without you. And I am so terrified of losing you, so utterly terrified. Completely and irrevocably just as I am completely and irrevocably in love with you. A cold fear lies in my chest, coiling around my soul. Feeding me images of your departure or how we will be separated. Because I’ve always lost the things I loved. But I don’t love you, to say I love you would be wrong. My infatuation for you goes beyond the realms of love. Surpass it by infinity. I adore you , utterly and insatiably. Because like I’ve told you again and again my love. I'd prefer to spend an eternity in hell if that meant that I could spend just one life time with you. Holding you tenderly in my arms. I want to let you know my love. That you cleanse my being Alaina. I've never been good but with you when your with me and when you tell me you love me. All of my scars are healed and for a single moment in time. I am content. And I'll hold you tighter because I never want to be apart from you. And I cant give you anything truly. I am poor and I ma hopeless. But , I can tell you I love you and I can tell you that I need you and I can tell you a thousand times and if you say it back. God, I cant even begin to explain how it feels. When I stare at your eyes, there so lovely and brown. So warm and for those eyes I would sell my soul, without hesitation. And I'd give five years of my life to have those lips press against my own. Because I ache for you and i yearn for you my love. If a single moment passes and I am not holding you, my world crashes. And I know its not sane and I know its not healthy but...I love you. That is my only excuse for doing the things I do. I love you. I need you to hold me tenderly and I need you to breath into my ear that you love me. Because I love the way you talk and I love the sound of your voice. because its the second most precious sound in the universe to my existence. Only topped by the beat of your precious heart. My man is Alex. And I am a loser and a curse and nothing good. My heart, soul and mind are darker and than darkness itself. Will you be with me for all eternity and not give up on me ? Why ? Because I am a monster but I love you more than life. More than air and more than anything. And if your with me I know I can be good. To be honest I now nothing. Nothing at all. Except for the single fact. That I love you. and that I need you