He Makes Me Bipolar

I call your name out into the dark
I see your face in a patchwork of stars
Hear your voice in the wind
Maybe I'm hallucinating
You're everywhere
and nowhere
Here
and there
I cherish when I have you
and suffer when I don't
What's wrong?
It's all messed up, that's what
I barely even know you
You, as a person, are new to me
and yet I'm on the edge
My feet, unsteady on the ground of sanity
the land of logic
Arms holding on to the guardrail of rationality
Beyond me lies an aperture
an abyss
Below awaits me your smile
your laughter
your eyes
you
And, oh, I want to let go
release all reason and fall
and fall
and fall
until all that's crazy makes sense
you make sense
But the taste of your name is still fresh to my lips
My mind has yet to figure you out
And yet my heart has already invited you in
The door's open, hanging almost off its hinges
But I don't want to let this be
not yet
I raise my walls of defense
and though the door's still open
you'll have to get past my guards to enter
Not because I don't know you
but because I don't KNOW you
and not because I can't trust you
but simply put
I DON'T trust you
You are so whole to me, so beautiful
Your personality, you
are so beautiful
But
I just can't
I can't just put me out there again
I can't be vulnerable
I can't let my guards down
for odds are
in your eyes
you might not cherish me as I cherish you
Oh if you only knew
that I think of you every minute
of every hour
of every day
that I pray for you more than I pray for myself
that when I can't sleep
I dream up conversations that we COULD have
until I return to sleep's narcotic embrace
and there I'd dream of you
If you only knew how much I care already
How much I want to protect you from the cruel things people say
from friends that aren't really friends
How much I want, no, how much I YEARN to know you
to know what truly lies behind that smile
behind those eyes
If only you knew how much
But though for me, you are an aperture of ilogic
your thinking is sane
If I spoke to you these things
your impression of me would most likely change for the worst
you would think me weird
and in some way
You'd be right
I've gone crazy
AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
know why?
Because you're so damn nice, that's why!
Because you've yet to publicly do or say anything negative
to turn me off of you
And do you know what?
I want you to.
THAT'S RIGHT! I WANT YOU TO!
I want you to crush me
break down my walls
enter my heart
and destroy it
I want to call you a jerk
an asshole
Because that's what most guys are to me
and surely you're no different
Just stop being so damn nice, why don't you?
And I know one day you'll do it
One day I'll trust you
and on that very day you'll break me
Break me because I want to be broken
because that's my punishment for being so damn stupid
for falling again for a guy I barely even know
I want to cry myself to sleep at night
because of something horrible you've said
Don't you understand?
I WANT TO!
So just do it already
because I know you will
I know you will because you probably already have
I know that I look disgusting
corpulent and discolored
So I must disgust you, right?
But you smile and egg me on because you're nice like that
You jerk! Stop it, just stop!
I know what you're thinking
because everybody thinks it
Hell, even I think it
I'm ugly, fat, and disgusting
No man in his right mind would look at me twice
So why the hell should you?
You wouldn't, that's why!
And it's because I know this
that it pisses me off that you're still so damn nice to me
Because, like every other guy I've fallen for,
I know you're another way in your mind
So just stop
Stop pretending
Stop making me fall for you
STOP!
I love you, adore you because you're so sweet
I hate you, despise you because you're so sweet
I just want you to hurt me now before it hurts like hell later
You're driving me crazy
I wish you'd stop



But I don't want you to.