Dear Aunt Suzy.

Dear Aunt Suzy,

How has your summer been? Wonderful, hopefully.

So I'm just going to come out already. I'm broke, and nothing can fix me but money. Dad's disowned me, I'm recovering from a beating and robbery. To top it all off, I just gave my last penny to the police department. There is no bread in my apartment. Not even a packet of yeast to bake bread. Life has been anything but plain since moving back to Plainsville.

It all started yesterday when I was busy getting settled into my new apartment. Dad called me on my cell phone to confirm that I was indeed moving into an apartment rather than live with him on his donkey farm. Don't get me wrong, Aunt Suzy. You know I've always loved asses, but come on. I just broke up with my long-time love and I've never lived on my own before. Thought I should try it. Dad doesn't agree; he thinks I should be more grateful to him, accept his charity, forget my troubles, and slough through his donkey dung whilst selling donkey rides to those who drive seventy miles per hour down the highway past his house.

I told him thanks, but I want to live on my own. He told me fine, live on my own, see if he ever talks to me again. I wish you could say something to him, but I know he's stubborn as the ugly mule shoes they won't stop selling at Target.

Would go more into detail on the tiff with Dad, but wanted to get to the part where the movers I hired decided to knock me unconscious and steal half my stuff. They even took my poodle, Puffles! Needless to say, I won't be paying any bill if they do try to send one. The buggers slashed my car's tires, so I had to walk to the emergency room to get checked out. Guess about five doctors will be compensated for having checked on me whilst I sat in the hallway nursing a bloody head, and a few others will get paid for anesthetizing and actually sewing up the lovely lacerations. Haven't gotten word on the bills yet...and I almost don't want to know.

So anyway, I walked to the police department after all the hospital drama. You know how close all the buildings are in town, so this wasn't a big deal, not really. Soon as I was seen by an officer, he didn't ask "What happened?" or "May I help you?" He said to me, "Son, are you aware of the law you are breaking right now?" I wanted to tell the man I am not his son, nor am I my dad's, according to Dad right now. In any case, I couldn't believe this man could stare at my bandaged head and ask me this. Evidently, Aunt Suzy, a few things have changed in Plainsville since I went away to get my heart ripped out by a stupid straight-acting medical school intern.

There is now a town ordinance that basically bans me from being me. Not allowed to be out parading around in my gay jeans, especially not with mesh rainbow colored shirts with the nipples cut out. I mean, OMG. Dad gave me the stupid genes and the clothes, but I'm not allowed to wear them in public? What do they do in the clubs around here? Hoedowns in overalls and dresses down to the dirt? Oh yeah, that's why I was so glad to move away in the first place.

I offered to go home and change my clothes before reporting the beating and robbery that'd just happened to me hours earlier, but the officer thought I was being a "little prick," to which I responded, "If only you knew," at which point he issued me a citation, which I promptly paid rather than wait for a court date where I'd get to talk to a judge and end up paying more money I don't have.

Aunt Suzy, I've had to buy new tires, a new wardrobe, and some ramen. I'd sell some stuff on Ebay, but I don't have money for an internet connection now, and anyway my computer was stolen by the movers. Could you please help me a bit this week, till I get my paycheck from my new job? I love you.

Your favorite (and only) nephew,

Jay.