You left to save me but you've doomed me

every mistkae and broken rule was done in purpose to further illustrate my insanity


Two wide orbs of ebony brown eyes stare back at me.

And I stare back at them.

Eyes so wide and so dark.
Like if someone filled a circle with solid black chocolate.

I can see the two rivers of tears falling, slowly and fluidly down my chalky skin. And I can taste the taste of salt upon my worn mouth.


What do you see here I ask you?

Because this is what my morbid flavored eyes see.

Nothing.

As I stare back at the utter emptiness of the chocolate colored eyes. Its as if I was staring into a portal . You see even though I can see the black dents under my eyes that are the gift of sleep deprivation. And even though through this mirror I can see like a picture of horror. The paleness of my skin and I can see the utter depression upon the wide almond eyes that continue to change shades as they spread over their whites.


But it means nothing. Its nothing. A pointless existence that is what I am.


YOU LEFT....you left...to save me but you've doomed me....


You've taken my heart with you...you've taken my reason to go on....

Did you never realize....did I not say it enough I wonder as I stare at the broken expression of me through ageless eyes.

I thought I had....I really did....


I thought....I believed....I presumed.....that I h ad let you know that you are the reason I breath. That you were the reason I woke up every morning....even if I was waking up to apocalyptic times...and to utter darkness...

But it was all worth it...the pain...the teasing...the insanity...

Because...I had you...because...when you were with me...I was happy...I was truly cheerful and I felt ..brilliant


You made me feel brilliant.

You made me love myself...

even if it was only just a little bit


But you know how much that means...you ...well...maybe you don’t know how much of a Herculean effort it takes for me to love myself....or how much of a miracle it is....


But now your gone...


To Save ME!?


But you've doomed me...

I am done for


I am finished


al we need know is for a n angel to come and reap my soul

I hope he has pretty wings...

Oh I hope he has pretty wings and flies me down below with no haste...


I want him to reap my soul...

But then I remember

He wont be able to...

Because you took it with you!

You took my soul!

You took everything away from me!

BECAUSE YOU ARW EVERYTHING TO ME

AND NOW I AM DONE FOR

AND I CANT REALLY NOT BE DONE FOR BUT I CANT REALLY BE DONE FOR BECAUSE YOU TOOK IT all A WYA BUT I CNAT DIE BECAUSE I CANT HURT YOU LIKE THAT AND I CANT GUILT YOU INTO COMING BACK BECAUSE I AM MASOCHISTIC AND GUILTFUL

But now...

Now what...?

Eyes wide and broken...

Like soft chocolate being filled into a glass...

A crystal glass


Now I have a puddle of mud for eyes

You took my eyes as well!


IS there no limit to how life less you've left me????


...I told you....I spoke softly to you...and with words that where not enough because for you my beloved ...I could never develop...I could never ponder...over enough or good enough words so I gave you all of the words I could even though they were not enough because I wished to be good for you even though its so built...in my nature t0 be foul...

I've cried myself out three times everyday for the last three days.

Since you decided to SAVE ME!

YOU DOOMED ME! YOU SHOT ME RIGHT THERE WHEN I WAS ALREADY MAIMED ON THE FLOOR.

BANG

BANG

BAng Went the gun when you shot me

To SAVE ME!

YOU HAVE NOT SAVED ME DONT BE SILLY


I've followed the same routine for the last days...no not days...nights because its been dark...its been utter darkness....a darkness darker than darkens itself

The only reason I am still here...

Its because I have two hearts

But you've taken one of them...

Gave it to you! and you did not return it because I could not take it back

I've gone through different shades of insanity...and its been three mere nights...

I have no reason to breath anymore...

BUT TO BREATH WHAT!?


What am I breathing?!

Because it surely cant be oxygen

because you are my oxygen

I know now what it is.

Its some plod that the world created t o further my pain...its not oxygen the thing I breath at the moment

ITS POISON

POISON THAT DOES NOT KILL


ONLY MAIMS

BUT I CANT BE MAIMED

BECAUSE YOU"VE DESTROYED ME

BLEW ME INTO Smithereens

Don’t you realize how much I need you...

How much I need to hear the sweet melody that is your voice...

If there was a choice to listen to every master composition...along with angels sent straight from heaven play the harp

Or..

Hear your oh so beautiful voice that always made me cry...and feel a pang in my chest because it was so beautiful

I would pick your voice...

I would chose you over everything....

Over Everything and ANything

I would chose you


The others that claim to love me?!

Dotn you dare dream that I will simply find a new lover

Because I cant love

If I am not loving you!

I never did...before you ever think of feel love...not like this...no

You woke the human in me...

Every single emotion

You woke it all up

I couldn’t have felt like this before...

But now...

In this attempt to SAVE ME

YOU"VE DOOMED ME

ARMAGEDDON IS KIDS PLAY NEXT TO YOUR DEPARTURE FROM MY LIFE

APOCALYPISIS HA a kids game

SO I DAMN YOU>..!!!!!!!!!

I DAMN YOU WITH EVERY FIBER IN MY CURSED BEING I DAMN YOU!

And then I damn you but I don’t some more for the simply fact that

I CANT DAMN YOU

BECAUES I LOVE YOU SO MUCH...In fact...love...why do I use the word love?!!. what I feel for you goes beyond love...beyond loves realities and beyond loves realm.

how could you leave ...though I always told you to leave me and told you that I was no good...

I meant it...I mean it...

I am nothing...I am worthless...I am scum...I have no knacks...I have no skills...I am a curse...you could have anyone...and I told you that that someone should not be me...but you told me no ...you told me you loved me...

and really...

I only said what I said because thought it was right

But if it is right

THAN I DONT WANT TO BE RIGHT

I AM FOUL AND IAM A Curse BUT IAM YOUR FOUL CURSE SO HOW DARE YOU LEAVE TO SAVE ME WHEN YOU SAVE ME EVERYTIME YOU SJMILE EVERYTIME YOU LOOK AT ME WITH THOSE Godly beautiful brown eyes of yours!

Don’t you realize your my everything?~

My moon was dead...my sun had faded...blown away into oblivion...my stars they all perished along with the moon and fell in a mocking dance...along with all of my dreams...all stood before me as a pile of ashes...

BUT THAN YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE

and you replaced the moon...you replaced the stars and you replaced my SUN!

YOU BECAME MY EVERYTHING AND I FELL IN LOVE IWTH YOU

and I gave you my soul and my heart and my mind and you still have them with you because I cant take them back!

AND NOW I AM INSANE

NOW I AM SCREAING TO THE REFLECTION IN MY MIRROR

AND we stare back

Almond colored eyes

Different shades of brown...

and the black under the hollow of my eyes contrast against the ghost skin that is mine

...don’t you know...I never learned to live without you?

and I cant learn because its impossible.






Alaina...I love you...and I need you...but you wont ever get this because I need you...no I mean...your happiens is more important to me than my own...so I will not guilt you into anything .