Justice Stops Here

Every Monday and Thursday, for the last five months, I have been taking this bus. So why is my heart racing? Am I getting sick?  I haven’t been sick in years. It would be just my luck to get sick now. My throat’s not sore. No runny nose. But my head is pounding like a snare drum.

“Hell-ooo!”

Do I know this woman? She looks familiar but who do I know that would wear a mini skirt on a day like today? I’ll just ignore her and maybe she will go away. She looks chatty and I’m not in the mood.

“ Mind sharing the bench. It’s freezing out here.”

No wonder she’s looking at me like I’m an idiot. I am, although she has no idea as to the extent of my idiocy. She looks young; 21 tops. Hopefully my scruffy beard and bulky stature will make her nervous and she will sit quietly for the next 15 minutes.

“Where ya goin?”

Great just what I don’t need. Some hot young thing sitting next to me asking questions.  She should mind her own business. I could be a serial rapist for all she knows.

“Probably a holiday dinner huh.”

“Yeah, sweetheart a holiday dinner like everyone else today.”

She doesn’t need to know I’ll be serving the Thanksgiving dinner at the shelter. This is the last day of my community service program and then I’m free. At least as far as the State’s concerned I’ll be free. After today I will no longer be taking the 7:15 midtown. The end is right there; so close I can almost taste it. Tomorrow Megan and I can have a fresh start.

Megan is probably helping her grandmother stuff the turkey right now. Maybe she is wearing the nightgown I sent her last week. The sales lady didn’t know what she was talking about. Megan will love the Barney nightie, even if she is 8 now. Kelly sang that purple dinosaurs’ stupid song to her every night. I wish I had learned all the words. Hell, I wish I had paid more attention to things like bedtime songs, morning cuddles and how to pack a school lunch. If only I had known how to do those things we could have made it work. They were simple for Kelly she always knew how to make Megan feel safe. Why couldn’t I keep Kelly safe? That was my job. A Public Safety Officer should be able to keep his own wife safe.

“Everyone’s not doin holiday crap today. I’m not.”

I know where this conversation’s going to lead. The old me would feel sorry for her. Sitting there looking all sweet and innocent and sexy as hell. One thing would lead to another and we would end up in some hotel doing the nasty. Not going to
happen today. I don’t care about anything except Megan. I need to make things right for her.

“I’m not into all the family crap. I’m goin to visit a friend in lock up.”

“That’s nice of you, honey.”

“Yeah. Gastby still has four months. His momma’s pissed so she won’t visit him.”

Gastby is her friend! No wonder she looked familiar. She’s Tamara Welch also known as Picasso’s little sister. Holly shit. This is not a girl I want to be seen with today or any day for that matter. Where is the freaking bus? At least she doesn’t know who I am. Once she finds out I’m the reason Gastby’s been in the clink for the last three years she will cause a scene. She might even get her brother. I don’t need this shit today of all days.

Ten more minutes and the bus should be here. With all this snow it might be late. Maybe I should try to catch the bus on Washington instead. If I’m not at the shelter by 8:30 Tom will have to call my P.O. Jerry the jerk off probation officer has a hard on just waiting for me to mess up. He would like nothing better than for my ass to rot in a cell.  I can’t let that happen. It’s better to wait it out here.

“My momma doesn’t want me to visit him anymore. But what the hell does she know. Those drug charges were bogus. Everyone knows Gastby stays away from that shit. They were just trying to get him to rat out his cousin. J.J. is the one who should be servin time. He let his own blood be locked up.”

“Sounds like a family dispute to me. Probably none of my business.”

“Everyone knows about it. Not like it’s a secret or anything. J.J. got his though. My brother made sure of that. “

“I guess the matter is resolved then.”

What little miss thing doesn’t know is Gastby had enough Meth to supply the whole city. She’s right about us wanting to get J.J. Gastby was stupid enough to take the fall for his cousin. With J.J.’s record he would have been sent upstate a 23 year old punk and if he was lucky he could have made it back here before his momma died of old age. Gastby, on the other hand, had a clear record. Why not take the slap on the wrist? It’s a shame. Gastby was headed for college this fall. It should have been his ticket out of this hellhole.

“Not really. The chicken shit skipped town right after he got out of the hospital. He’s staying with his grandma in Florida. Enjoying a tropical vacation while Gastby is locked up. It’s just not right.”

It’s not right. But it’s not my job to give a damn anymore. My only job is to get through today, talk to the jerk off tomorrow and get my release papers. The ones that say Shawn Alan McArthur no longer has to be accounted for. I will be a free citizen again.  Then I can pick up Megan and head out to Montana. Megan will love living on Patrick’s ranch. It really was decent of Pat to offer me a job. Everyone else in the family thinks I’m too messed up to be any use. Uncle Patrick has been close to where I am though. Before he hit bottom the family turned on him too. I guess he is the only real family Megan and I can count on. If I can’t make this work Kelly’s mom will petition the court for custody.

I can’t lose Megan. She’s all I have left. The sweet little girl with the Orphan Annie hair is counting on me to make things right. She never lost faith in me. Even when I was in rehab she accepted the situation and gave me strength. She’s just like her mother. Putting everyone before herself. I will find a way to make this up to her. But how do you make up for killing a little girl’s mother?

“Yo, Tamara. Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

“Don’t start Devon.”

“Don’t call me that. Get your ass home before she comes to get you.”

“I’ll call you anything I want. Momma don’t scare me. Just cuz she thinks Gastby is a waste don’t mean I’m gonna listen.”

Oh shit. Maybe Picasso won’t notice me. I look a lot different now. Hopefully this stupid girl will just go home or maybe the bus will come. Either way I need to stay out of this. No matter what happens I will not get involved, it’s none of my business. At least she moved off the bench and onto the sidewalk.

“I have stuff to do. I need you to keep her off my back today.”

“That’s bullshit Devon. I’m not going to keep her glass full today so you can run around with Shelia and have a nice dinner. Not gonna happen.”

Just keep my head down and wait for the bus. It’s a family issue and none of my business. My business is to serve Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless. I will not get involved in anything else. Not when I’m so close.

“Devon, let go you’re hurting me.”

“Shut up and stop struggling with me. You’re going home.”

“Ouch. Knock it off. I’m not going.”

He’s her brother. He’s allowed to grab her and drag her home. If I was her brother I would take her home if she were dressed that way. Just ignore them. The bus will come soon. Keep thinking of Megan. If anyone treated Megan that way I’d knock their head off. No think of the ranch. Wide open spaces, Megan petting the sheep.

“Don’t you spit at me, you little bitch.”

“I’m not afraid of you. DEVON!”

“You better be. I will knock you on your ass, don’t think I won’t.”

“Go ahead I don’t care. I’m still not going home.”

“You asked for it.”

Why am I getting involved? If someone had gotten involved Kelly might still be alive. That’s why.

“Didn’t anyone teach you not to hit girls?”

“Stay out of this. You don’t know who you’re messing with.”

“Yeah I know you’re kind. You intimidate people into doing what you want. You don’t intimidate me. Now leave her alone.”

“You must be stupid or do you want to die today?”

“Devon, put the gun away I’ll go home. This guy isn’t worth it. He’s just some stupid guy at a bus stop.”

“Why don’t you listen to your sister, Picasso.”

And why don’t I keep my mouth shut. This is not part of the plan. Serve dinner, get released, new life. It was a simple thing to do. I am not the protector of peace and justice anymore. Justice, is there such a thing? Maybe this is my justice. But what about Megan, where is hers?

“I know you. You’re that cop. Or should I say used to be a cop. How’s it feel being on the street without the protection of your badge? You can’t bully people around now.”

“You’re right. I can’t bully anyone so why don’t you put that away before someone gets hurt.”

“Tamara you’ve been chatting it up with the guy who set up Gastby. This is the piece of shit that was cheating on his wife with a 19-year-old girl, in that cheap hooker hotel. His wife came after him but got caught between Dank and Stewy. Way I heard it Dank gave it to her real good, before putting a bullet in her pretty little head.”

“What nothing to say now, you piece of shit.”

The girl’s right. I am a piece of shit. Kelly is gone because I couldn’t be faithful. That pretty young girl had a messed up life and I thought I could make it better for her. But what about Kelly’s life? I didn’t think about that. I seem to have a real problem with thinking. Like right now. I should be thinking about walking away. Instead I am thinking about jamming the gun down his throat.

“What do you want me to say. I did cheat on my wife, who died because of it. I did drink too much and become sloppy at my job. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. I did not set up Gatsby though. He did that to himself.”

“You liar! You knew the drugs weren’t his. You ruined his life.”

“Sweetheart, he ruined his own life. You can’t put that on me.”

“Don’t call me sweetheart. You lowlife. You think you’re better than everyone else but you’re worse.”

“Tamara, save your breath he’s not worth your time. Maybe I should put a bullet in him right now.”

It all comes down to this moment. The past has a way of catching up to you I guess. I should just walk away. I know Picasso isn’t a killer. He only has the gun for show. He’s not even holding the damn thing right. Might blow off his own foot if he’s not careful.  If I walk away now I will be throwing away everything I worked for in the last year. I can kiss my new life goodbye. Three years ago, before any of this, I would have taken the gun from him before it was out of his pants. Maybe I deserve for it to end this way. I’ve messed up enough lives and Picasso shouldn’t go to jail for my mistakes. He’s not as hard core as he lets people think. A few stolen car radios and a couple misdemeanor assault charges does not make a murder.

“I think you should put the gun away before those black and whites over there see it. I also think you should go home and have a piece of bird and be thankful I didn’t shove that gun up your ass.”

His hesitation was all I needed to grab the gun. Now I am in control. He can just walk away. I am taking my life back. Screw him and the streets. They have taken enough of Megan’s future.

“What you gonna do, old man? You think you can take my gun and walk away? You might get away with it right now but I will get your ass. You’re nothing but a drunk, who used to be a cop that liked to screw around on his wife. I’ll see ya around.”

As I stare at the back of the pair running around the corner, I can’t help but smile. I feel empowered because my life is my own again. Like before I met Jodi, with her abusive father. She was just looking for a friend and I took advantage of my position. I made her feel safe and she made me feel young and wanted. Not that Kelly didn’t want me but she didn’t need me. It was nice to be needed. Right now Megan needs me. My smile gets bigger because I know I will have the strength to take care of her needs.

Thoughts of the ranch fill my head as I settle back on the bench. I haven’t visited Patrick in years but it couldn’t have changed that much. Wide-open spaces, big blue sky’s and the beautiful mountain ranges are the perfect cure for a broken down drunken ex cop. All thoughts of being locked up in the halfway house for the last six months are slowly disappearing and being replaced by Megan’s smiling face.

The flashing lights catch my attention. I miss those days. Sitting in the squad car and getting a call gave me a rush. Incidents could go from bad to worse quickly. Being prepared for the worst was what kept everyone safe. I wonder where they are off to this morning? Probably a domestic or maybe an accident. Why are they stopping in front of me?

“Morning, Shawn.”

“Hey fellas, where ya off to?”

“Mind putting the gun on the ground?”

I completely forgot about this stupid thing. These two yahoos don’t really want to hear my explanation either. It’s not important to them. The important part is a parolee in possession of a firearm. Probably a stolen firearm or one used in a dozen different crimes. Looks like Jerry the jerk off’s dinner will be interrupted this morning.