Murdered Innocence

              The one mistake I will regret always till date is the decision of taking the life of my unborn child.  I knew it was wrong then and I know it is still wrong being a direct result of a slip I made with a man I thought that I loved.  Why should a child who has no idea as to why it is being murdered suffer due to something that is done by myself.
         
                When I first met him, I had just surpassed the threshold of my second divorce.  He was there at the right time and right place in my peak of vulnerability.  He had seen my weak and brittle self and knew I needed a shoulder to cry on helping me towards the next day.  I knew the fact that he was married and that his wife would always come first in his life. It still did not stop me from taking our relationship to the next level. 

         Our meetings of passion were engrossed at my studio apartment where I needed to be felt by a man and know that I was of some value.  The two broken marriages had brought down my self-esteem and confidence.  Yes, it was wrong to seek refuge in another’s man, but did it anyways.  Our acts of sin were usually ignited spontaneously where we seldom used any protective measures.  It was when he apologized that one night for not being able to retrieve in time, I knew that things were going to get complicated.  Soon after, as he got a job elsewhere and moved with his family to a different country.  I hated him for leaving me.

         I was alone again but life went on.  It was when I missed my second period that I started to worry.  My heartbeat stopped that time I took the pregnancy test and acknowledged the positive result.  There wasn’t anyone at that time to turn for any help or advice.  There were girls at my workplace who used to talk about this doctor they knew that took care of these things.  I casually one day asked for the phone number and address joking that I may need it just in case.  I called him up and fixed for a meeting where he gave tablets that were considered illegal in most countries. 

         I went home that day and stared onto the bathroom mirror, consciously considering what I was doing.  I knew what I was about to do was wrong, but I also knew that giving birth to a child having the face of a man I had started to despise would be even worse.  I took the pill and continued the course for three days.  The child was already into its eighteenth week and when its heart beat stopped I felt a cry from within.  I knew it was over.  I cried that day till there were no tears left. 

         I know what I did that day was wrong.  But it is something I can never take back, and given the chance I probably will not.  As a reminder of my mistake, my internals were damaged by the pills, rendering that I could never have children again.  I guess, that last cry from within was my child cursing me.  I never told its father that I had got pregnant or of the abortion.  Only we knew of this secret. 
Today I long for a child to fill the void that had been created in my life.  I don't seek forgiveness from God or from society.  I don't seek forgiveness from all the women who try so hard to have children.  I only wish that in my afterlife, my child would wait for me as I would take care of it for all eternity.  I only seek for its forgiveness.

Epilogue
She donates and spends time at various orphanages in her city throughout the year.  The void was never filled.