fred's dead

I got the phone call about 8:30 on a Saturday night. It was my good friend Chloe.
She sounded really frazzled, which isn't unusual for her but tonight was different.

"Mary" she whispered into the phone "I need your help"

Something in her voice made me put down the dishcloth and turn off the faucet." Of course, what's wrong" I said.

"Do you remember that promise you made about helping with Fred? Well, I need
I need you to help me bury the body."

I laughed picking up the cloth to continue my task. "Yeah sure, anytime! What has Fred done now." The help me bury the body thing had been a joke between us for years. Anytime we got fed up with our spouse, the other would laugh and say the we would help her "bury the body". This was not something I thought I would really have to do, but there it was. 

"No, no you don't get it. I really need you to help me.  Fred's dead and I think I killed him."

I dropped the glass I was holding. "Chloe are you sure" I asked. "It's football season, maybe he's just in a sports coma."

"No, no!" she cried. Then lowering her voice again she explained. "We were fighting, Fred had promised to go to a party with me tonight, and at the last minute he pulled out. Said Florida State was playing South Carolina or something like that.  We don't even know anybody in South Carolina, why would he watch that game!  Anyway, I went into the kitchen and starting making dinner. Spaghetti. The way I like it, not Fred's way, you know with all the fresh veges and mushrooms. How any one can like spaghetti sauce straight out of the can is beyond me. You have to make it fresh just like the pasta. I didn't have time....."

"Chloe" I interrupted. "What about Fred!"

"Oh yeah, anyway, I saw the oregano, which I love and I thought I ought to put that in just to spite him, that would fix him."

"Chloe you didn't" I exclaimed.

Fred is horribly allergic to oregano. The only time he took Chloe on a trip with him he ended up in the hospital because he ate soup sprinkled with the stuff. Swelled up like a puffer fish.

"Yes, No!  I don't know.  I was so mad, I was just throwing stuff in the pot. I served it to him on his TV tray in front of the set.  Then I went back to the kitchen to eat. You know how Fred doesn't like company during a game.  All of a sudden he started to cough, like he was choking. I went in and he was dead! His eyes were rolled back in his head and he wasn't watching the game at all.  And Mary, it was double overtime!  I ran to the kitchen to call 911 when I saw it.  The jar of oregano was open on the counter by the stove  What am I going to do? Joyce is going to kill me!"

This was no idle concern.  Chloe's mother-in law Joyce was a fearsome woman.  And little Fredrick was her pride and joy. 

  I flew over to the house. There was Fred. Kicked back in his leather recliner, in his green striped PJ bottoms and white cotton socks.  His tumbler sized glass of Wild Turkey beside him in the cup-holder of the chair.  Fred was a redneck at heart, but Mama made sure he bought the finer things.  The glass of course was Waterford.  His eyes were rolled back and I didn't see his chest move.  But with all that hair it was kind of hard to tell.  I walked into the kitchen where Chloe was hiding.

"Did you feel for pulse?" Chloe whispered.

"No?" I whispered back. "I read somewhere you have to feel on the neck and Fred doesn't have one."

"Mary, what a mean thing to say! Of course he does. It's just under all his baby fat!"

I rolled my eyes. What did this guy have that made women feel this way about him! Never mind, I didn't want to know.

"What do we do? Joyce comes back from her trip in the morning, she'll be over here first thing! She'll kill me" Chloe wailed.

" Let me think! OK here's what we do, he had tickets to the Ole Miss game right?"

"Sure, but he didn't go. They really stink this year and it was getting his blood pressure up so I told him, I said Fred, you just need to stay home and not go to that old game. Of course he was SUPPOSED to go to the annual country club party with me but..."

"Chloe, shut up a minute, I need to think."

She looked hurt, but was quiet.

"OK here's what we do, we drive him over the state line to Mississippi and push the car over into a ditch or tree or something.  That way it looks like he was distraught over the game and wrecked the car." 

"Mary, Ole Miss won today. That's one of the reasons we were fighting.  He was mad I didn't let him go!"

"Okay, Okay, we'll make it look like he was so excited they won he wrecked closer to home."

"Well", she sighed, "I guess we better get to it. The Cadillac is in the garage.  Should I pull it around?"

"No we'll but him in the car in the garage so no one will see us.  You take his shoulders."

"But Mary, I can see him looking at me!"

"Oh for heavens sake, he's dead isn't he. He can't see you!"  But of course I just rolled my eyes and ended up at the head.

Fred weighed in at 300 Lbs.  We tried to pick him up out of the deep leather chair and only succeeded in knocking over the lamp with his head.

"Oh NO! Joyce gave me that lamp for Christmas"  Chloe shrieked.

"Chloe", I replied, "didn't she give you that because SHE didn't want it".

"Well yes, but it's the thought that counts."

At this rate my eyes would be stuck in the rolled position. Grandma had warned me about that.

We finally drag him out of the chair and over to the door of the den.  I had his head and Chloe had his feet. His butt was on the floor.  Then bump, bump, bump, down the stairs we went to the basement garage.  I wasn't worried, I figured Fred had enough on his butt to cushion the blows.  Funny how you think things like that in a crisis.  We dragged him over to his big pink Cadillac. Yes, it was a replica of Elvis'. Joyce couldn't get the museum to turn loose of the real thing.  She thought  about having it "disappear" but decided it was too traceable.  Elvis and SEC football.  It seemed ironic to combine Fred's two greatest loves in his final "accident".

We opened the trunk and tried to lift his big ole butt into the trunk.  One on his feet, the other on his head. Moaning and grunting we couldn't get that fanny in the car. So we tried feet first. Chloe got in the trunk to pull his feet and I tried to push.  That didn't work. We turned him around and sat him up against the trunk. Then we both climbed into the trunk and grabbed  Fred under the arms.  We pulled and yanked, pushing against the inside of the trunk. Finally we got most of his body in the trunk. Unfortunately he had lost the PJs in the process.

"OK Mary, Reach down and push his fanny on into the car." Chole said.

I looked at her with horror. "Chloe, I am not touching Fred's naked hairy butt. Not even for you."

"Well all right then" she huffed and climbed out of the car. I got out behind her and turning my head to avoid the sight, grabbed Fred's feet to help with the final haul. 

"On the count of three. ONE,TWO,THREE."

With a mighty effort we got Fred into the car. Chloe rearranged his PJs so he wouldn't be cold.  We got into the car and closed ourselves in. We sat there a while just breathing. "Okay Chloe, Let's go"

"Sure Mary, give me the keys."  Staring at her in disbelief, I settled in to wait while she went to look for the keys. Fred kept them in his super secret hiding place.  OK it was in the bottom of his bronze Aubie, the Auburn mascot. But he didn't know I knew.

I guess I better clear something up. Fred had attended 5 different SEC colleges during his college career. He claimed to be an alumnus of each. That way he could get tickets from them all, then pick and chose which team he would go see.  Fred loved SEC football.

We drove into the night, both watching the road for any State Troopers. Going down I-59 we heard a moan.

"Shoot Mary, there is no reason to be like that"  Chloe pouted.

"I didn't say anything"

There it was again. A loud long moan. Sounded like it was coming from the back seat of the car.

Chloe nearly crashed when she jerked the car over to the side of the freeway.  We stared at each other in disbelief.  Chloe looked as if she had seen a ghost. 

"Oh Mary, that's Fred! His ghost has followed me in the car. He's going to wave down a passing car and turn me in"!

Chloe had been watching way too many made for TV horror movies.

I jerked open the car door and shouted, "Pop the trunk".  Shaking she did as she was told.

I ran around to the back of the big pink car and slowly opened the trunk. I looked in and there was Fred, with his hairy butt up in the air. Suddenly he moaned and shifted a bit. I slammed down the lid and ran to the car.

"Turn around, quick"

"Why" Chloe asked, "what's wrong"?

It's Fred, he's still alive"