Shattered Memories, Part 2: The End

I turned around. Before me lied a flat, barren valley immersed in a dark blue shadow that contrasted with the cloudless, blood red sky. Rain fell all around me, but I didn’t get wet. I reached my hand out to touch it, but I couldn’t feel anything as it fell through my hand. Lightning sparked in the sky before it crashed onto the land, leaving dark spots in its path. The loud drumming of thunder intensified ten times louder accompanied it.
Countless howls, and moans, and screams of agony were carried by the fierce winds of a million tornadoes that rushed around me. I could clearly hear them even through the violent roar of the storm. A man’s voice screamed in despair, “PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE! PLEASE STOP! I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE. AAHHHH…” A woman’s voice wailed, “NO, NO, NOOOO! OH, GOD, HELP ME PLEASE…” I heard the low, serpent voice of a demon laugh and say, “FOOLS, YOU SHOULD ABANDON ALL OF YOUR HOPE HERE!”
I heard and sensed the pain of all the damned souls in Hell, but yet I felt nothing for them. That was the curse of this place; numbness, forgetfulness.
I could hardly see through the darkness around me. I turned my head all around, looking for a way out of this unending storm that forever raged in the Realm of Spirits I was lost in.
I could see though the tornado and I concentrated on the gate of Hell. My eyes met with a pair of red, catlike eyes. These eyes were only one of two other pairs that belonged to a hideous black dragon with three serpent heads, six arms, and a spiked tail that was standing at the gate of the fiery abyss. In each of these heads were the bodies of a soul being chewed on. I could not see who these poor souls in the heads were. This dragon was looking straight at me with wild anger as each head showed its fang-like teeth to me in a huge and horrifying smile.
His voice was low and cruel, but yet an aloof, echoing whisper as he spoke to me saying, “I know who you are…I have been watching you, Jason…Michael…Emerson. That is your name…I’m positive. Let’s see…you were born in Manhattan, but raised in Brooklyn. Your mother is Pamela Howell. She died tragically, of suicide by electrocution in her bathtub when you were 20.” At this he started to laugh hard and low.
I glared at him with all the energy I could offer. “Your poor, poor mother, is actually right here with me. I love to see her pain when my demons…rape her, repeatedly.
And your father, Charlie Emerson, is here too. You remember him…the one who left you and your poor mother in debt and on welfare when you were five so he could run off with that 22 year-old girl that was ten years younger than him. You know, I just laughed and laughed when he was so traumatized by Vietnam that he became a drunk and hit your mother almost every day! Well…he’s here too. I had him thrown into a pit of fire and brimstone. I can hear him screaming and begging for my mercy right…now.
There is also you…That girlfriend of yours, what was her name?…oh yes! Rebecca! You cheated on her with Vanessa Carlisle, your coworker who always wore those short, tight skirts that showed off her legs and those black leather heels you always loved her in. And Rebecca never found out…Bravo, bravo!” He clapped all six of his hands together and the ground shook like an earthquake, “ And all of those long hours you worked…What a hypocrite you really are! Oh, but wait, you don’t even remember who these people are!”
He started to laugh his cold laugh again. Hearing him say all of these terrible things to me sent shivers up my back as I remembered all of the things I thought I had forgotten about. “I wonder how your trial will turn out, Jason. I would love it if you ended up here with me. I would just love to rip you apart over and over again as I listen to the sweet music of your screams…”
I had never been so close to actually feeling fear in the Realm of Spirits…until I saw Lucifer with my own eyes. I was almost afraid to stand up to him, but I did anyway. “Did it hurt, when you fell from Heaven,” I said.
“It would be very wise if you held your tongue. I might just rip it out if you end up here.”
“I’ll take my chances, Lucifer.” “You know, Jason, If I were you I would watch out when you get back to Earth. I might just cause a lot of pain for you there.”
Lucifer stopped talking and stared at me relentlessly. I said nothing at this and kept walking, though I could sense his eyes staring at the back of my head.
I heard nothing but the screams that echoed in the air. I still couldn’t find my way out of the storm when a voice more angelic than any other I had yet to have heard there spoke to me. It whispered serenely, “Jason, it’s Rebecca. I will help you out of the storm. Just follow my voice.”
The voice began to sing a heavenly song that made me almost feel happiness again. I listened to this angelic voice’s singing and followed it for what seemed like hundreds of thousands of miles. Suddenly I found myself out of the storm and in front of a white staircase that lead up to the sky where a white door lied. I made my way up the stairs and faced the door. I put my hand on the door knob, turning it slowly.

Everything completely disappeared as soon as I opened the door. I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a very wide road. There was excruciatingly loud honking coming from all around.
I noticed a girl with thick brown hair hanging down below her shoulders. She had wide, bright blue eyes. Her cheeks had a subtle pink flush to them, and so did her plump, lip gloss covered lips that wore a little smile. Her skin looked so soft and delicate as I admired its lightly golden tint. A bright red dress wrapped perfectly around her curves, flowing effortlessly at the hem where her bare legs were shown from the knee down to her red heels.
Then I became aware of the blond man with blue eyes that was wearing a black suit with a tie and leather shoes of the same color. They were both looking into each others eyes dreamily and laughing softly. She looked up at him and he bent his head down to kiss her quickly on the lips.
I didn’t know why I felt so connected to her. The whole idea confused me as I stared in awe and at the same time, jealousy, at this young couple.
As I continued to stare at them I heard the whoosing sound of a car driving quickly and I looked at the road to see a yellow taxi cab rushing toward me. It was going so fast and already so near that I didn’t have any time to run. I stared wide-eyed at the taxi as it was only an inch toward me.
I closed my eyes and felt what felt like a rush of air blowing through me, and I would break apart when it did. I looked down at myself to see that the taxi was actually going through me. I was heaving in shock at the sight of the end of the taxi inside of me. I started shaking as I held my hands up in the air away from myself in horror of what I was.
I was a ghost.
I raised my hands up to my face and held them there in defeat. I realized that I looked and felt the same, but I was not the same at all. At the time I didn’t believe what I had become and strained my mind to find a believable reason for why a taxi had actually gone through me. At first I thought that I must have gone mad and had hallucinated the whole thing. I knew better. I realized that it had happened because I realized that I really was dead and everything that had happened to me after my death was no hallucination.
I got out of the street and saw the young couple again. They were standing at the corner at the end of the street. They weren’t too far from me. I watched them cross the street as they held hands.
I don’t know if it was her eyes, or her hair, or even that red dress, but I felt an overwhelmingly familiar feeling toward her. It was a feeling of warmth, of concern. It was a feeling of love.
Everything I felt for her and everything about her mysteriously surrendered my memory back as I remembered her smile once again. With that heavenly image that sang to the soul that I had become, I remembered the name of the girl that the smile belonged to, Rebecca.
I quickly walked toward them, ignoring the cars that passed through me as I crossed the street while focusing on Rebecca. When I reached the other side, I continued to follow them all the way until they got back to their apartment, which used to be my apartment. He opened the door and they stepped inside. I followed.
The apartment looked the same. Everything was the way it was before I died. The only thing that wasn’t the same was that the blue irises were gone. She had never replaced them.
When the man said in his thick New Hampshire accent, “It’s been a great day, huh?” I knew exactly who he was, Richard, Rebecca’s old friend from work. He was one of the photographers that frequently takes her pictures at her modeling agency where she was one of the top paid models there. “Yeah, it has been,” Rebecca replied.
They went upstairs and into the bedroom together. I stayed close behind Rebecca, trying to touch her radiant hair as I kept trying to lock my fingers around a handfull of her it, but my hand kept going through it instead of holding on to it.
He stopped at the head of the bed and leaned down to kiss her, but she leaned her head away. “Wow, I am really tired. Let’s go to bed,” she said. “Alright, let’s go to bed.” They both changed into their pajamas and got into bed, a wide space separating them in the middle of the large bed. He moved next to her and tried to kiss her again. “Not tonight, I’m really tired,” she said. “Fine,” he said slightly agitated.
They proceeded to go to sleep as I sat at the end of Rebecca’s side and watched her sleep. I was on the verge of crying, but I couldn’t provoke any tears from my eyes. I wanted so badly to be the one on the other side of the bed instead of Richard.
After about three hours, the clock by the bed read 1:12 AM. Rebecca began to mutter loudly in her sleep, “Jason, Jason, I’m sorry. Jason, don’t leave me. Don’t go. No, no, NO, JASON!”
Richard woke up from her screams and started shaking her. After a few seconds she woke up. “You were having another nightmare, honey. Are you okay?” He asked. “What did I say?” She asked. “You were…you were dreaming about him again. You know that what happened to Jason…it wasn’t your fault.” “I really don’t know anymore…But I feel like he never would have gotten in that car on that…that terrible night…if I hadn’t been so heartless and said all of the horrible things I said.” She was crying hysterically now.
Richard looked sick and frightened at her display of depression. He hesitated at first, but then impulsively hugged her close to him and kissed her forehead. I was too afraid to get any closer to them. It pained me so much to see them so close and it only further reminded me of when we were together. I missed her so much even though she was right in front of me. “Rebecca,” I whispered, reaching out my hand to her before slowly and hopelessly retracting it back again. She did not hear me. I felt so alone without her comfort. It hit me then that I was not a part of her world anymore.
Rebecca held her mouth at his shoulder, muffling her sobs as she cried. “Come on, let’s lie down. I’ll be at your side,” he said shakily. They both went to sleep in each others arms that night. I could only sit and watch them sleep. But I couldn’t keep my eyes off Rebecca. Her face was so peaceful. She looked like an angel sleeping. I hadn’t seen anything more graceful. As I watched her, I hoped that she was dreaming of me.

The next morning, Rebecca was the first to wake up. The sun was shining brilliantly and lit up the whole room. Rebecca’s hair and eyes glistened with something more than light, though. Her eyes were filled with tears that were on the verge of flowing down her cheeks. There was a nervous expression on her face as she sat up in bed, lost in thought, and gazed straight at me, her eyes meeting with mine before she began to wince She looked like she could see me.
“Rebecca, I’m here. Look at me. Please…look at me…” I pleaded to her. She only looked down and closed her eyes while shaking her head in disbelief. I suddenly became hopeless of any chace that she would ever see me. Still, I believed she had seen me and only wanted not to believe it.
She got up and went to the bathrom, closing the door behind her. I got up and followed her, almost passing by the calendar on the wall next to the hallway that led to the bathroom. I froze in my steps, horror overtaking me as I remembered what Death had said to me before: “Oh, time here is very different from time on Earth. It must have been weeks, maybe a month or two that has gone by on Earth since you came here.”
I turned my head in fear of what I new it would probably say. The year on the calendar was 2007; two years after I had died. The month was May, and the date the Xs marking the days that had already passed was the 29th. But the date that I could not stop staring at was the one that was circled: the 31st. Written this date was: Our Wedding Day!!! The whole world seemed to have fallen apart as soon as I read that, and I had been buried beneath its ruins.
I crouched down against the wall and sat there, staring into space. I was determined to not lose Rebecca, even though I knew I had little control over what was happening. I could only watch them as if I never existed.
I got up and went into the bathroom. Rebecca was rocking back and forth in the bathtub and crying. She looked like a disheveled angel even in her despair. I looked around the bathroom. My eyes caught hold of a pregnancy test sitting on the counter. I slowly went over and saw that it was pink.
Suddenly I felt the floor beneath me sink. I could feel no physical pain¾I felt its sensation of torment¾I felt its grief devour me whole. I turned around and looked at Rebecca. She was holding her arms around herself and breathing heavily. I came over to her hesitantly and sat at the edge of the bathtub. I looked into her eyes. They were not there, but somewhere distant. She was shaking a little. I looked at her mouth and saw her breath go out of her mouth in a cloud. I realized that I was making her cold and backed away. She hadn’t realized how cold she was and continued to sit there.
I went over to a corner and leaned against the counter. I didn’t fall threw it because it wasn’t going through me, I was going through it. Rebecca stood up and took off all of her clothes until she stood naked in front of me. I missed her touch and would have given anything to only feel her face again.
She sat down and turned the water on until the bathtub was filled. She reached over for something I couldn’t see and held it in her hand. I looked over and saw it was a razor blade. A rush of adrenaline passed threw me and I lept over to her side. “NO REBECCA, DON’T DO IT!” I screamed. She did no hear me and pressed it to her neck. I had no choice but stop in my track and hope she did not take her life. I knew that if she did, Satan would have her soul for eternity. She threw the blade across the room and it hit the mirror, boucing on the counter. She sat there and cried.
She got out and got dressed like nothing had happened. Richard had woken up and was in the kitchen eating cold cereal and dressed when she walked in. “Good morning,” he greeted her. “Morning,” she answered back. “I hope you’re ready for the fitting today,” he said. “Of course I am ready for the fitting,” she said and went over to kiss him on the cheek. She went to the refrigerator and got out eggs, bacon, and sausage and began to cook. “Soon we should be able to move into that Penthouse near Times Square,” he said. Soon breakfast was ready and they both ate.
They were ready to go after a while and went out the door to their car. It was a black Mercedes. I got in through Rebecca’s side when she opened the door and crawled into the back seat behind her. Richard drove to Vera Wang Bridal Salon at Saks Fifth Avenue on 1200 Morris Turnpike. On the way I noticed a sign with Rebecca’s face on it that said GAP. She was the new model for GAP Jeans. Rebecca just looked dreamily out the window for the whole ride.
Soon they got there and were greeted by the recepsionist. She motioned them to sit down as she talked on the phone. Richard held her hand in excitement, and Rebecca took his in nervousness. He smiled at her and she timidly smiled back.
The receptionist got off the phone and after a few minutes said that they were ready for the fitting and led Rebecca to the back room while I and Richard waited outside. He picked up an issue of Cosmopolitan and started reading about sexual techniques.
I sat confused and scared. A rouge wave of regret tumbled down furiously on me and took me under its hold. I surrendered and fell prisoner to the shallow floor of the ocean of regret I was drowning in.
I started figiting and became impatient as I waited. I couldn’t take it any longer after five minutes of waiting and quickly made my way through the door of the back room and found Rebecca there standing in front of the large oval mirror and crowning herself with her glitering white veil. Her hair was down past her shoulders brushed against the small white pearls around her neck. She was wearing a white mermaid gown with a square-neck and draped bust-line that had handmade chantilly flowers and a pleated train. She looked so naïve and pure in that gown. I looked at her from head to toe and saw her glowing skin, while I imagined her as my own bride that I would soon be married to for the rest of my life. But then when I saw a tear fall from her eyes, the dream of us being together was broken once again.
She turned around and uncovered her face from the veil. I was standing right in front of her, but her eyes were focused on my chest as she looked at the far wall. She closed her eyes and they remained like that for what seemed like an eternity as she broke down and cried. I looked at her face. I knew that she was filled with pain. I suddenly knew what I must do.
I reached out my hand and circled my arms around her, barely touching her, and I looked at her closed eyes. Then I kissed her soft lips like how I used to when we were happy. I felt the warmth of her lips invade my body relentlessly.
She opened her eyes and looked deeply inside of mine. “Jason?” She whispered uncomprehendingly. “Yes,” I carefully answered, “It’s me, Jason.” She looked at me for a long time and studied every part of me carefully. Finally, she opened her mouth ready to speak, but closed it again. She made one last attempt to speak and she struggled to find the right words before she said, “You haven’t changed at all. You look exactly like you always have.” She began to cry and tuned from me to look back into the mirror.
I looked down at myself to see that I looked the same still and I reached out my hand to touch her hand. I took her hand inside of mine and felt it for the first time since I had died. It seemed as if I was alive again, but I was still dead.
Rebecca turned around and stood before me silently, her face cold and insouciant. “You’re just a dream. I must not be awake. Just fade away. I know that you aren’t real,” she said.
“I don’t really know what I am, but please believe me when I say that I am here, what ever I am… I am here.
“You really aren’t a dream are you? How can you stand here for so long and look so real? I¾I think that maybe you are real. I believe you,” she skeptically said.
“I came back because I still hadn’t been able to let go of you. I came to tell you that I love you, and that I always will.”
“I still love you too, Jason. Always have, always will.”
“Before I can go…I need you to promise me something…” “Anything…” “I need you to promise me that you will try to love Richard, and that you will let go of me. I need you to promise me that you will be happy with him. “I promise…for you.”
I gently put my hands on her face and brushed my thumb against her cheek as I kissed her without end and with all the love I felt for her. After and eternity in heaven of kissing her, we finally stopped, and stood face-to-face. “All the goodbyes in the world could never express how much I will miss you, but goodbye. I’ll always be inside of here,” I said as I pointed to her heart.
She closed her eyes as tears fell through them. I traced the shape of her lips with my fingers and wrapped my hands around her face, holding her cheeks. She surrendered to me and we embraced each others mouths with inextinguishable passion. I finally found the will to let go after kissing her and feeling her for the last time.
She looked at me serenely, her face like a weeping angel crying for my sins. I looked into her eyes and knew that she forgave me. And that she loved me. I smiled at her in complete happiness and closed my eyes as she stood there smiling silently in a state of confusion and relief.

My trial is to take place soon. For now I am waiting in the same waiting room in the the Realm of Spirits.
Rebecca got married. I watched the entire ceremony. She is happily in love with Richard, and I am happy for her. I will be watching over her until my jugement.
Still, there are so many things I wish I could have said and done to make all of this to have never happened. If I could, I would shatter all of the memories I have with her and start over again. Her starry eyes will allways be with me, and the music of her voice will forever echo in my mind where ever I end up at. If I could live my life over again, I would change so much. I got to see her again, and that made all the difference.