You Were The One But It's Too Late

         As I sit in the lobby of the hotel waiting, I cannot stop fidgeting. It’s at least 90 degrees outside but inside the hotel is nicely air-conditioned. Still, I can’t stop fanning myself with the invitation. I realize the old couple at the counter watching my antsy movements so I stop and read the invitation with my head down. It’s a picture of a bottle laying in sand and surrounded by seashells. The inside of the bottle reads, “Callie Ambrose, you are cordially invited to the wedding of Jason Roe & Cadence Fletcher…” And my eyes began to fill with tears, making the rest a blur. I remind myself that I don’t have to go, but just as I do so, Yvonne runs inside.
         “Come on. You ready?” she asks as she motions towards the cab.
         “Yeah.” I say before getting up.
         What I mean to say is no. No, I could never be ready to go to the wedding of the man I love and the woman I hate, but it’s easier to just pretend I am ready.

          There was always a bit of playful flirting between Jason and I, but I thought nothing of it because we were friends and I knew his reputation. Our friend Doug was having people over his cabin for a bonfire one night. As the night wore on, everyone noticed Jason had disappeared so I went in the house to see where he was. I found him lying in Doug’s bed, snuggled as if it were his own.
         “Jason, what are you doing?” I said as I plopped on the bed next to him.
         "Trying to sleep.” He said with his face buried in a pillow.
         "Why? You’ve been telling me all night that we had to party ‘til morning.”
         “I know, but that was before I got tired.” He said as he turned to look at me.
         I stood up and grabbed his arm. “Come on, get up. If I can stay up, so can you.” But he still didn’t budge. “Fine. Party pooper.” I said, dropping his arm and heading for the door.
         “Callie, wait.”
         I stopped and turned to look at him.
         "Come here.” He said, barely motioning with his right arm.
         I walked towards him as he sat up.
         He grabbed my left hand and played with the bracelet I was wearing as I waited for him to say something else. “Well?”
         “Well What?” He asked.
         “Well, I was on my way back to the party, you know to mingle and be social, and you said come here.”
         “You’re one of the prettiest and coolest girls I know, you know that?”
         I didn’t respond. His comment caught me off guard.
         “I mean, you’re kind of a prude, but I can respect that.” He said with a smirk.
         “I’m not a prude. I’m just picky.” was all I could think to say.
         He stood up in front of me and brushed my hair out of my face. I was starting to get nervous because of how close he was. I put my head down and started fidgeting with my shirt. Then he grabbed my face so I was looking directly at him.
         “Callie, I mean it. You’re smart and funny. You’re not like other girls. I can actually hold a conversation with you.”
         Suddenly I could no longer hide that I had feelings for him. I kissed him.

         In the cab, I can tell Yvonne wants to say something, to console me in some way, but she seems hesitant. She knows me better than anyone and she knows if she even asks, “Are you okay?” that I will start to cry immediately. I could very easily not go to this torturous event, but going will make it seem as though I am okay with it. All I have to do is make an appearance; congratulate Jason, enjoy the food and company of my friends for a bit and leave before I get too drunk and tell Cadence what a boyfriend stealing, big nosed bitch she is. Besides, I’m sure her beer belly will show through her wedding gown or her hair and makeup will look trashy as it always does. I’ll laugh at how grotesque she is, which will make it seem as though I’m having a good time and Jason will never suspect that I’m still in love with him.
         I made it through the wedding ceremony without vomiting, but just barely. It’s not easy to watch the man you love tell another woman that he promises to love and cherish her forever. I just sat behind an old man in a cowboy hat and slouched down in my chair so I couldn’t see him hold her pudgy hands in his.
         At the reception, I’m sitting at a corner table with my eyes fixated on Jason as my friends talk and laugh around me. I’ve never seen him dressed in such formal attire. He looks amazing, but I can tell he’s uncomfortable. He keeps pulling at his tie but Cadence won’t let him take it off. I’ve done a good job of avoiding his family most of the evening. I always enjoyed being around his family, but if his mother were to say she missed me, as she always does, I’d break down instantly.

         After the night at Doug’s cabin, Jason and I were inseparable… not necessarily in a romantic way though. We proceeded on as if the kiss never happened, but spent every chance we could together. We were best friends, with an odd flirtatious tension between us. Somehow, Jason always ended up holding my hand whether we were watching a movie or walking downtown. I felt like we were in high school again, when you have a crush but the two of you are too shy to make a move. After a couple months I found myself grocery shopping with Jason’s mom and staying the night with him every night. It’s funny when you’re, “just friends” with someone you are romantically interested in because you start to notice every single tiny detail about that person, which only makes the attraction stronger. I was going crazy, wondering what was happening between us, reminding me more of how relationships were in high school. But, I felt like I couldn’t be the girl who nagged and wanted more from him, so I never asked.
         By the time we reached our six-month mark in our warped relationship, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I started to distance myself from him, thinking maybe Jason would wonder what was up. Instead he just assumed I was busy with work and school. I couldn’t handle staying the night with him anymore because every morning I’d wake up with his arms around me. He was getting more and more comfortable and I was getting less okay with how things were between us. I finally asked Jason what was going on, but I was definitely not prepared for his response.
Jason had come over my house late one night and woke me up. I could tell he was inebriated so I tried to get him to go to sleep. He kissed me and I pushed him away.
         “Whoa, you must be really drunk.”
         “Callie, you’re gorgeous.” He said as he tried to kiss me again.
         “Hey come on.” I said, pushing him to other side of the bed. “Just go to sleep.”
         “I knew it.” He said as he turned over.
         “What?” I asked, but he didn’t answer. “You knew what, Jason?”
         “I knew you were a prude.” He said.
         I didn’t know what to say. I was angry, but I knew he was drunk and was hoping that had something to do with it.
         “Jason, what are you talking about?” He remained silent. I sat up and turned him so he was facing me. “Jason…”
         “Why do you think I’ve never tried anything with you?”
         I remained silent.
         “Callie, I like you. I really do, but…” He paused. “It’s complicated.”
         “Complicated how? You’re assuming things about me and don’t even talk to me about it. If it’s complicated you made it that way.” I was beginning to get angrier.
         “You’re right about that, I guess. I respect you a lot and didn’t want to treat you like every other girl.”
         “ How would you treat me like every other girl?” It was all starting to sound like drunken babble to me.
         “Callie, you know the reputation I have and...”
         “So?” I interrupted him. “I know that you have some reputation for having one night stands, but why would I think you were treating me like every other girl? You’re not making sense.”
         He raised his voice, “I can’t get attached!”
         I had never heard him raise his voice before. I stayed quiet.
         “I can’t get attached to any girl. I already am attached to you, Callie and it’s bad.”
         “Attached? What do you mean?” my anger was turning to sadness.
         He seemed hesitant to answer. “Remember my friend Cadence that visited a while ago. It was before you and I were close.”
         I shook my head yes. Where was he going with this?
         “Cadence and I were engaged before I met you. She moved away to go to school and we decided to see other people ‘til she was finished. I never expected to meet you.”
         I was in shock. I didn’t know what to say.
         “I love you.” He said, but I didn’t respond. “Callie, I love you.”
         “No. No, you don’t. You’re just drunk.”
         He sighed and laid his head on my lap.
         “Jason, I think you should go.”
         And from then on we had to pretend that we didn’t have feelings for each other.

         All my friends are dancing except for Yvonne. She’s on her 3rd piece of wedding cake and won’t leave my side because she’s worried Jason will see me sitting by myself. We already had an encounter with a drunken bridezilla. Cadence stumbled to our table to tell me she loved my dress. She probably wouldn’t of complimented me, or invited me to her wedding for that matter, if she knew about Jason leading me on for months and telling me he loved me despite that I’m a, “prude.” I encourage Yvonne to dance with Jason’s brother, who has been bothering her to do so all evening. She asks if I’m sure I’ll be okay by myself and I tell her yes of course.
         I’m sitting by myself, looking through pictures on Yvonne’s camera and I start trying to figure out what went wrong. Why didn’t I tell him I loved him too? Why didn’t I tell him to forget about Cadence? I mean, who gets engaged to someone and then decides they should see other people while one’s away at college? Not a normal couple, that’s for sure. Why did I avoid his calls for a week after that night and then pretend nothing ever happened when I seen him at Doug’s house the next week? I guess, because… well, I was scared. But thinking back on it now, what did I have to be afraid of? I had nothing more to lose by trying to pursue things. I had already lost him. Of course all the “should'a, could'a, would'a’s” come to me as I’m sitting at his wedding reception and not before Cadence moved back to marry him. Even if I am too late, I just wish I wouldn’t of further hurt myself by remaining his friend and pretending that I was untouched by it all. But that’s just another wish to add to my list of, “things concerning Jason that I wish I would’ve thought of sooner.”
         I sit the camera on the table and stand to go to the restroom. When I look up, there he is. There is Jason, standing in front of me with his hands in his pocket looking at me with a half smile. The sight of him makes me weak in the knees, just as it always has. Funny how even though I’m overwhelmed with despair, all it takes is a smile from Jason to make me forget the world around me. I shrug my shoulders and smile at him.
         “I’m glad you came.”
         "Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I say. Truth is, I’d give anything to not be somewhere else.
         He hugs me and as he pulls away he grabs my hand. We’re silent and all I can see is the wedding band on his finger. I can feel my eyes start to water so I break the silence before it breaks me, “So where are you guys going for your honeymoon?”
         “Oh, we’re holding off on that ‘til Cadence gets settled in her new job.”
         He’s looking at me like he did the time I found out my dog died; like it hurts him to see me hurting.
         “You look really pretty, Callie.”
         I was hoping he wouldn’t say that.
         “Thanks, you too.” I say with a giggle. And as I blink a tear falls.
         He notices and squeezes my hand tight as another tear falls.
         “Callie, I love you.”
         “Love ya too, buddy.” I say as I playfully hit him in the shoulder. I figure it’s okay for me to joke since I’m the one who’s hurt.
         “Hey, I’m serious.”
         But the look on his face is sadness not seriousness.
         “I’m serious too. I love you the way you love me. As a friend.”
         He sighs and I grab a napkin from the table to wipe the tears off my face.
         Yvonne has noticed us talking and walks over. “Hello Jason. Callie, you ready to go?” She asks.
         “Yeah, it’s getting late.” I say grabbing my purse from the table.
         “Yvonne, can I talk to her for a bit?” Jason asks
         “Umm, I’m don’t think that’s such a good idea. You’re married, damage done. Just leave her alone.” Yvonne says as she grabs my arm and pulls me towards the door.
         “I’m sorry Jason. I really am happy for you.” I say as I walk away.
         The last image I have of my true love, is him standing in his tux with his wedding ring shinning and his head hanging in sadness… And there are still so many things I never got to say to him.