short script kinda funny

Before you read:  I know the format is incorrect for a script.  When I copied it into the website everything went haywire.  So this is how it'll have to be.  Sorry.




Title: A Skinnier Time

By: Steven Ward

Characters:  Simon, Dan, Jessica, Ashley

Setting:  Simon and Dan’s Dorm Room


[The room is an average dorm room for a college student.  The room has posters all over the walls, two desks, bunk beds and two chairs.  SIMON is sitting at a desk with a blank piece of paper on it.  SIMON is a fat nerdy college student.  He is staring into blank space above him while twirling his pen between his fingers.]

SIMON:  Stupid theater project.  How am I suppose to write a play?  What the hell can I even write a play about?

[SIMON continues to have writers block.  He twirls his pen between his fingers and stairs up at the ceiling.  His roommate, DAN, walks into the room.  He is a skinny blond haired kid.  DAN is much more of a social student than SIMON.  SIMON pivots on his chair to face DAN.]

DAN:  Hey what are you doing?  You want to go out and drink with me tonight?

SIMON:  No.  I have homework.  Don’t you ever have homework to do?  I mean my god, all you do is drink.

DAN:  First of all its Friday.  Friday night nonetheless.  Come on it would do you some good to go out once in a while.  If you don’t stop to enjoy life once in a while, it’ll pass you by.

[DAN walks closer to SIMON’s desk.  DAN tries to look and see what SIMON is doing at his desk.]

SIMON:  No, I have to finish this assignment.  And what is with the cheesy sayings? [Imitating DAN] If you don’t stop to enjoy life once in a while, it’ll pass you by. [Normal voice]  Hey its not 1986 and you’re not Ferris Bueller.

DAN:  First off, all I’m trying to say is you need to enjoy life a little more.  Second, besides me being just a tad better looking than Matthew Broderick, I would make a great Ferris Bueller.  But seriously, why don’t you just come out with me tonight?  Maybe you’ll even get lucky with some special little lady.  I know somewhere in that body there has to be a love machine.  I mean there has to be something under there with all that extra mass you carry.

SIMON:  Seriously just leave me alone to do my homework.

DAN:  Come on man you didn’t come out with me last night and there was this totally slutty girl there who I honestly saw make out with like five different guys.

SIMON:  How does that concern me?

DAN:  You could have been lucky number six.

SIMON:  Sounds like my dream girl, but honestly all I want right now is to write my paper.

DAN:  I’m not leaving until I get a phone call from this girl Jessica.  And you know what, she has a pretty good looking friend that’ll probably be out with us tonight, and she just happens to have a thing for fat guys.

SIMON:  Really?  She has a good looking friend that has a thing for fat guy?

DAN:  God no, who has a thing for fat people?

SIMON:  Your mom doesn’t mind me being fat.

DAN:  I remember when your momma jokes were funny too.  But just come with me tonight, everyone has been asking about your whereabouts.

SIMON:  Yeah like who?  Julio?

DAN:  Well he didn’t.

SIMON (Excited):  Did Erica or Heather ask about me?

DAN:  Well they haven’t mentioned you by name.  But I can see it in their eyes how they miss you.

SIMON:  Jimbo DeOh?

DAN:  No

SIMON:  The Double D?  He has had to have asked about me.

DAN:  He hasn’t necessarily asked about you, as much as he doesn’t ask about you.

SIMON:  Little Phil with one leg?

DAN:  Um, well.  Its not going to sound like a lot of people if you count them out individually.  But some of those guys have asked about you.

SIMON:  So then which ones have asked about me?

DAN:  Names aren’t important.  Just come out with me.  Do you remember how much fun you had last time you came out?

SIMON:  No.  I remember spending seventy-five dollars on booze and being woken up on a bike rack by the police.  I remember that, but not so much anything else. 

DAN:  Yeah you spent a lot of money alright.  That really was a great night. 

SIMON:  I don’t want to spend that much money just to go to the bar.

DAN:  So don’t.  Don’t buy the whole bar drinks.  Just buy me drinks. 

SIMON:  You broke ass.  I know if you had money you wouldn’t be making this much of a fuss about me staying in on a Friday night. 

DAN:  Why do you have to make everything sound so bad?  You need a good time and I need money.  We go together like Easy E and HIV.

SIMON:  You’re such a scum bag.  You know that?

DAN:  That’s not true.  Are you drinking that pop on your desk?

SIMON:  Are you kidding me?  It has been sitting on my desk for like two weeks, and its only half full.

[SIMON hands DAN the can of soda.]

DAN:  I can’t complain if its free.

SIMON:  You don’t count self respect as a price?  More importantly, when are you leaving?  I want to finish my paper.

DAN:  What’s the paper on?  I’ve been looking for clues to answer this question without asking but the paper in front of you is completely blank.  So either you haven’t even started to write it or you’re writing a Seinfeld episode that’s about nothing.

SIMON:  I have to write a play for my theater class.  Right now I’m having trouble expanding my ideas into a ten minuet play.  More or less I have writers block or some undiagnosed brain tumor.

DAN:  Wow, writers block or brain tumor.  That’s a little on the extreme side isn’t it?  But uh what’s the play about?

SIMON:  Its about life as a Kansas City Royals fan.  It’s a drama about the greatest team ever.

DAN:  No one likes the Royals.  If anyone ever asked you what’s your favorite baseball team, you should just say, “I hate baseball” and not, “I’m a Royals fan.”  That would be so embarrassing.  It’s like saying I think Jerrold Ford was the greatest president ever.

[SIMON stands upright to stretch.  DAN moves to avoid hitting SIMON.  DAN moves to his desk and starts to rummage through one of his drawers.]

SIMON (Stretching):  I’ve got cramps throughout my body.  I’m exhausted.

DAN:  Need to stretch from all the writing you’ve done?  I’d be worn out to.  I mean you’re almost at three written words.

[DAN pulls out a small wooden box out of his desk.  He opens it to only find that its empty.]

DAN:  Oh crap I don’t have any money.  How am I suppose to take Jessica out with no money?

SIMON:  That’s what you get for drinking on the weekdays.

DAN:  Ok.  Lend me ten dollars.  I know you have money too.  Just let me borrow ten dollars that you would normally spend on comic books.

SIMON:  I don’t read comic books.

DAN:  Come on now.  All nerds do.  Ok, what if I sold you the Godfather DVD?

[DAN goes to his desk and pulls out the Godfather DVD.  He holds it up in the air.]

SIMON:  That’s my Godfather DVD.  You hated that movie.  Why do you have that?

DAN:  I meant to pawn it.  I’ll give it back to you and never steal it again for ten dollars, what do you say?

SIMON:  No.  Just give me my stuff back.

[SIMON grabs his movie from DAN.]

DAN:  Come on.  I’ll pay you back.  I have a check coming from my Auntie Rosie that should be here any day now.  She’s over due.

SIMON:  Why does you aunt send you money?  I rarely get money from my aunts and uncles on my birthday.

DAN:  Other than the fact that I’m loved in life, she doesn’t have any kids.  She does have a lot of cats though, but cats don’t really accept checks. Thank God for that.  Thank God for cats and lonely woman.  And she knows I get short on money because-

SIMON:  Because you’re a broke-ass alcoholic?

DAN:  Alcoholic is such an ugly word.  I’d prefer it if you said I have alcoholism.  That way it sounds like I’m a victim, and not a junkie.  But can I have the money for tonight?  I need to take this girl out.

SIMON:  If she’s a hottie, I’ll give you ten dollars.

[DAN’s phone starts to ring.  He looks at the color ID.]

DAN:  Speak of the devil.

[DAN answers the phone.]

DAN (On phone):  Hello… Yeah that sounds great... I’ll be waiting.

SIMON:  So that was her?

DAN:  You know it.  How do I look?

[DAN walks to the closet and pulls out a nice dress shirt.  He begins to put it on.]

SIMON:  Look at you getting all dressed up.  Is someone hoping to do the dirty dace?

DAN:  Honestly guy, just call it sex.  And yes I’m hoping to do the dirty dance.  She said she might be bringing a friend.  You should come with man.

SIMON:  How do her friends look? Are they good looking?

DAN:  Too good looking for you.

SIMON:  Probably.  I think I’ll just stay in.

DAN:  Damn it Simon.  That was a joke.  You’re self-esteem is lower than a midget doing the limbo.

SIMON (angry):  That’s easy for you to say.  You’re not some big fat ass.  You don’t get this disgusted look from girls.  The look that says, “Oh my God, have you ever heard of a treadmill?”  You don’t know how that feels.  I remember I went on a date with this girl Rachel six months ago.  I took her to the movies so I wouldn’t have to talk to her that much, because I was so damn nervous.  She wasn’t even that great looking but she was good enough looking for me to see just about every random person at the movie theater give a look to us, well mainly to her, a look that practically said, “What the hell girl, are you blind?” or “That girl must be mentally handicapped for her to go out with that fat ass!”  You don’t know how that feels and you probably never will.  You’re just some skinny bastard.  I’m sure if you were there you would have given that look to me too;  if you didn’t know who I was.  So don’t even talk to me about low self-esteem.  I wish every day I wasn’t a fat ass.  I wish every day I was just a normal looking person who didn’t stand out in a crowd.  The day you get fat you’ll already be married, have children and probably have gone bald a while back in life.  It won’t matter when you get fat, cause most of your life will be over.  You have no idea what I feel.  So just shut your damn mouth.

DAN:  Calm down.  Don’t jump all over me.  I didn’t make you fat.  I didn’t invent the Big Mac.  All I tried to do was show you a good time.  I’m tired of seeing you sit in your room all the damn time feeling sorry for yourself.  You’re wasting you’re college years, the best years of your life, because you’re afraid of what other people think of you.  Don’t blame this shit on me.  This is no way my fault.  And screw you, I’m never going bald.  My hair is too beautiful to fall out.

SIMON:  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to yell.  I just get angry when people don’t understand the difference between being skinny and fat.

DAN:  Hey its fine.  If you don’t want to go out then don’t go out.  Stay here and write your paper. 

[There is a knock on the door.  DAN moves to the door and opens it.  Jessica is standing at the door.  She is an extremely attractive girl.]

DAN:  How’d you get in here?  You need a key to open the hallway door.

JESSICA:  Nice to see you too.  The door is broken.  It won’t close.

DAN:  Come in.  Come in.

[JESSICA walks through the door and DAN closed the door behind her.  JESSICA moves to a chair in the room and sits down.]

DAN:  This is my roommate, Simon.  He’s more fun than Ben Stein. 

JESSICA:  What? Who is Ben Stein?  I mean nice to meet you.  Are you coming out with us tonight?  We’re going to head up to the bar Pelican Harries.

SIMON:  No I have to finish writing a play for theater class?

JESSICA:  Oh yeah, what’s it about?

SIMON:  The Nazis, it’s a comedy.

DAN:  What about the Royals?

JESSICA:  We’re going to have to wait a few minuets.  My friend Ashley is meeting us here.

DAN:  Are you serious?  How long will that take?

JESSICA:  A few minuets.  Why, what’s the big deal?

DAN:  Nothing.  I just want to get going.

JESSICA:  Actually Ashley is in a theater class too.  I think she has it on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11:00.

SIMON:  Seriously?  That’s when I have class too.  What’s her last name?  Ashley what?

JESSICA:  Ashley Wilson.  Do you know her?

SIMON:  Yeah.  She sits a row in front of me and to the left a little.

DAN:  What better reason to come drink with us then?

SIMON:  I’m pretty sure she has no idea who I am. 

JESSICA:  So find out who she is, or stay in.  I really don’t care that much. 

DAN:  Going that extra mile to be polite, I see.

[There is a knock on the door.  DAN moves to the door to find ASHLEY is there.  ASHLEY is a good looking girl, but not as good looking as JESSICA.]

DAN:  You must be Ashley.  We’ve been waiting.  Come in.  My name is Dan by the way.

ASHLEY:  Hi.

[ASHLEY walks through the door and stands near JESSICA.]

JESSICA:  Hey girl.

ASHLEY:  Hi Jess. 

DAN:  This is Simon.  He’s my roommate.

ASHLEY:  Yeah, actually I think you’re in my theater class.

SIMON:  Am I?  I have a theater class but I don’t recall seeing you in it.  I’ll have to look for you next class.

JESSICA:  You just said you knew exactly who she was, even knew her last name and exactly where she sat.  What do you have dementia or something?

[SIMON looks to the floor out of embarrassment.]

SIMON:  Thanks.   

ASHLEY:  Well are you going to come out with us tonight?

DAN:  No, this jackass would rather stay in tonight and write his theater project?

ASHLEY:  You mean the play?  Its not due for a month.

SIMON:  No not the play.  Tonight I have to write…

JESSICA:  Wait, I thought you said you said you were writing your play tonight?

SIMON:  Well I am.  But I mean I’m just gathering information now, and then I’m going to write it later. 

ASHLEY:  What’s your play going to be about?

SIMON:  Well… It’s a story about an insane Sunday school teacher and the catholic high school janitor.  It’s a love story.

JESSICA:  What about the Nazi comedy?

DAN:  And the Royals?

ASHLEY:  What are you writing tonight?  I mean what’s keeping you in?

SIMON:  I have to write a paper on… um… the paper is on science class.

JESSICA:  You’re writing a paper about science class?

SIMON:  No.  I mean I’m writing a paper for science class.

ASHLEY:  About what? 

SIMON:  Well, um, you know.  Its about fish.

ASHLEY:  Fish?

JESSICA:  You’re writing a paper about fish?  Are you writing it for your little brother who’s in the second grade?

SIMON:  No, they’re over fishing parts of the world and its killing all the fish and stuff.  Its horrible horrible things.

ASHLEY:  I’ve actually taken an environmental life science class before.  I could help you a lot with your paper.  Like a lot. 

SIMON:  Yeah, that’d be awesome.  When can you help me?

ASHLEY:  Well we could head back to my place and I’ll help you now. 

JESSICA:  You’re not coming out with us?  Come on Ashley, its Friday night.

ASHLEY:  I think I’d rather just stay in and help Simon with his paper.  Maybe if we get done.  I’ll call you later.

DAN (to JESSICA):  Well should we go to the bars then?

JESSICA:  Might as well.

DAN:  So Simon, can I have that ten dollars now?

SIMON:  Yeah

[SIMON gets out his wallet and gives DAN a ten dollar bill.  DAN gets his wallet out to insert the money.]

JESSICA:  Wait a minuet.

[SIMON and DAN both look at JESSICA with their wallets in their hands.]

JESSICA:  Let me see that.

[JESSICA grabs DAN’s wallet and looks inside it.]

JESSICA:  You only have eleven dollars.  With his ten you only have eleven.  You said you were going to take me to the bars tonight.

DAN:  I am taking you to the bar.

JESSICA:  No.  If you were taking me to the bars you’d be buying my drinks for me.  What can you buy for eleven dollars?  You’re not taking me to the bar, we’re just going to the bar.

DAN:  No, it’s not like that.  I’m taking you to the bars.

[JESSICA throws the wallet and the money on the floor.  The money is thrown to the floor outside of the wallet.]

JESSICA:  No, you’re not taking me anywhere.  In fact we’re not going anywhere together either.

DAN:  Then what are we doing tonight?

JESSICA:  I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m calling my ex-boyfriend. 

[JESSICA opens the dorm room door and exits the door.  ]

ASHLEY (to SIMON):  Meet me in front of the building.  I’m going to talk to Jessica for a minuet. 

SIMON:  Yeah, that’s fine.

ASHLEY: 
Great.  Jessica wait!

[ASHLEY exits the room.  SIMON turns to DAN]

SIMON:  Ouch.  That had to hurt your pride.

DAN:  A little bit.  A little bit.

SIMON:  So what are you going to do tonight?

DAN:  I don’t know.

[SIMON picks the ten dollars off the floor.]

SIMON:  I’m taking this back.  You obviously don’t need it. 

DAN:  Damn it, its Friday night and I have no money to get drunk.

SIMON:  It looks like you can stay in alone tonight and do your homework.  Well I got to get going so Ashley will help me with my fish paper.

DAN:  I didn’t know you had a science class.

SIMON:  I don’t.

[SIMON exits the door.  DAN is alone and lies on his bed.]

END PLAY


Coming soon- A Skinnier Time 2:  The Sequel!