Hello, My Name Is...

Hello, my name is Michelle and I am a workaholic.

I am also a worry-a-holic and an over-thinker-aholic. Normally I don't like labels. I jokingly will term myself neurotic, chaotic, forgetful, and a thousand other things; but I am definitely a workaholic.

Currently I am in a passive place with over-working. My workaholism does not necessarily manifest iteself primarily in working too many hours at the expense of other things. Moreso it takes me over entirely and I can't "shut off".  So many times so many people have said to me, "you can't DO anymore today so forget about it until tomorrow." HA HA HA. I am not wired like that. I will go, and go, and keep going until I reach near meltdown or meltdown state. Then I will stop. Literally. I will stop doing everything work and otherwise. I think this is what they call when I get depressed.

I have a deep rooted need for acceptance and approval and an even deeper rooted fear of failure. The fear of dissapointing people looms over me like a cloud about to drop from the sky.

I am my own worst critic; I know this, but again knowing something about myself and changing it are two totally separate entities. In my mind, my work is not just a reflection of me it IS me. Everything IS me and so if I am going to be OK then IT all has to be OK, acceptable and approved of. If I get praised at work - I am OK. If my friends are happy with me - then I am OK. If my parents are proud of me and my husband feels loved and taken care of - I am OK. If conflict exists - I am not OK. If I feel like someone is upset with me; I have to fix it - immediately.

Where all of this comes from I am not sure. I had a supportive encouraging family growing up. Sure my dad had a strong work ethic and more than once I saw my mom as a martyr....well ok maybe there were some patterns set up early on that led me to attachement issues around work - you latch and and you don't let go.

"Nothing is worth doing if you don't do it right"

"If you can't get there early; what's the point of going?"

"Sometimes we have to do things not because we want to but because it is the right thing to do"

"Your teacher said you could be a straight A student if you applied yourself more (totally not true and I hate my teacher for saying that!)" In fairness to this statement my parents were never really ones to ride me about my grades.

I grew up hearing these kinds of catch phrases and it wasn't until about 3-4 years ago that it all started to make sense with how hard I was driving myself. I refuse to blame it all on some catch phrases and seeing my parents work hard and be dilligent - a vast majority of it is me and my personality.

I have been actively working on all of this (no pun intended) and I am making progress - setting boundaries earlier - saying "I will let you know" before making a decision on a commitment; but what I am really digging at are the roots - the reasons I feel such a strong need for approval and acceptance from others. Why is that external validation so critical to me?

Hello my name is Michelle and I am making progress...slowly.