UFC 666: Satan's Debut

Ringside at the Mandalay Bay Center in Las Vegas, two commentators await their queue to begin the broadcast.
    "Good evening folks.  I'm Joe Ruben and to my left stands the reigning UFC champion Randy "The General" Carlson and we are live here at the Mandalay Bay Center in Las Vegas.  Randy, as always, it's an honor to have you here again."
    "Thanks Joe, it's always a pleasure to be here."
The convention center is sold out with over a hundred thousand rowdy fans waiting to see some action.  The closest rows to the ring seat several celebrities and famous athletes from other sports.  The commentators discuss the scheduled fights for the evening. 
    "So Randy, what are you're thoughts on the main event this evening?"
    "Well Joe, Chuck "The Crusher" Lawton is still the most dangerous man in the Ultimate Fighting Championships (UFC) as far as I'm concerned.  I think his loss to Hellraiser Johnson only fuels his fire to be the best ultimate fighter ever."
    "No doubt the iceman is still the man to beat, but what do you think about his opponent tonight.  He's a virtual unknown that goes by the lone name of Satan."
    "Yea Joe, I don't know too much about this guy.  His resume doesn't say anything about his fighting style or hometown.  I did get a chance to see him in the locker room and let me tell you Joe, he is a monster.  I mean, this guy stands at like eight feet tall probably weighing at least three hundred pounds of solid muscle."
    "Eight feet tall, wow!  This guy is almost twice as high as the octagon fence."
    "But Joe, I gotta tell you though, it's this guy's outfit that's gonna get the most attention.  Aside from the dark red body paint, he only wears a loin cloth around his waist and pair of horns on his head."
    "Wow, this guy sounds like a true character Randy.  But I would think that wearing horns would be a major disadvantage because they offer an extra submission for his opponent."
    "You're absolutely right Joe.  As soon as Chuck gets a hold of those horns, we're gonna see a quick tap out by Satan."
The commentators are cut short by the dimming lights and roar of the crowd.  When a single spot light illuminates Satan as he begins the walk, the crowd manages to increase its already insane decibel level.  Puffing on a cigar and swigging from a gallon of Jack Daniels Tennessee whiskey, he has the uncanny appearance of a fighter with absolutely no worries.  The crazed fans hanging over the guard rails touch him on the arms and shoulders.  In between puffing and swigging, he shares his whiskey with random fans. 
    "Wow, I hope that's not real whiskey in that bottle." says Joe
    "This guy is crazy Joe.  I've never seen anything like this."
After Satan gets inspected by the ring doctor he enters the octagon and tosses the whiskey bottle into the upper levels spinning and showering various fans in the lower levels.  While the referee explains the rules, he puts the cigar out on his tongue and places it in the referee's breast pocket with a wink and grin combination. 
    "You know what Randy, I think Chuck might have his hands full tonight.  I don't think this guy is human."
    Randy laughs momentarily and says, "It's all an act my friend.  It's all an act."
    "If you say so."
The lights dim once again for the entrance of Chuck Lawton.  The roaring of the crowd gets washed out by the bass and treble of Chuck's intro music.  He lightly jogs to the octagon where Satan awaits with his arms folded over his chest.  Once in the ring, the announcer introduces the fighters.
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready for the main event?"
The crowd erupts as multicolored lights scan around the convention center in an erratic display.  After the announcer introduces the fighters, with Satan fighting out of 'hell' and having a mixed martial arts style called 'death', both fighters walk to the center of the ring.  The referee mouths his final instructions as Chuck, standing chest high to Satan, offers his usual hard stare.  Satan returns the stare with a smile and nodding head.  When the referee instructs the fighters to touch gloves and have a clean fight, they both maintain their facial expressions as they step back to their respective sections of the octagon. 
    The referee walks to the middle of the ring and looks at Chuck, "You ready?"
    Chuck gives a thumbs up.
    The referee looks at Satan, "You ready?"
    Satan gives a half ass salute.
    "Lets get it on!"
Chuck dashes across the octagon and unleashes a flurry of blows on Satan's midsection.  Satan volleys by slapping Chuck on the back of the head hard enough to knock him down. 
    "Wow, this Satan guy is unaffected by Chuck's attacks." says Joe.
    "This guy is dangerous.  I got a bad feeling." Randy says.
Chuck returns to his feet and attempts a high leg kick that Satan handles by grabbing the ankle with one hand and throat with the other.  Satan lifts Chuck in the air by his throat and slams him down hard.  The force of Chuck's landing can be heard throughout the convention center. 
    The commentators offer no comments about the amazing display of strength they are witnessing in the octagon.
    The referee observes Chuck to see if he can continue by grabbing one of his hands and releasing it to see if it drops.  When Chuck shows he is able to continue the referee backs off.
    Satan immediately moves in and squats on Chuck's head seizing it between his but cheeks.  Chuck's arms and legs flail around wildly as Satan maintains his disgusting hold.  Several seconds pass and Chuck taps out.  The referee moves in and pushes Satan away as Chuck rolls over and starts puking.  With his arms held high, Satan walks around the octagon.
    "What a submission that was.  I don't even know what you would call that one, or if it's even a legal move." says Joe.
    "I've never seen anything like that, but it appears to be a legit submission hold." says Randy.
    The ring announcer steps into the ring as a microphone descends from the ceiling.  Once he grabs a hold of it, he makes the official announcement.  "Ladies and gentlemen, victory by way of asphyxiation one minute and twelve seconds into the first round, your winner, Satan!"
    The crowd erupts once again as Joe Ruben prepares to interview Satan.
    "Satan, congratulations.  Where did you come up with that submission?"
    "Well Joe, my stomach has been bloated pretty much all day and really I was just looking for a creative way to expel some gas."
    "Since this is the first time a move like that has been used, you get the chance to name it and make it official; so what's it gonna be?"
    Satan ponders for a couple of seconds and says, "How bout 'ass-to-mouth choke out.'  Yea, that sounds about right."
    The crowd cheers loudly in agreement.
    "Ass-to-mouth choke out it is."  says Joe.  "Lets take a look at the big screen while you explain what we're looking at."
    A large television located in the upper section of the convention center shows Satan squatting on Chuck's face in slow motion.
    "Yea, after the slam I figured he was pretty much done so I moved in and planted my new signature move."
    The big screen continues the footage and shows Chuck puking on the octagon mat.
    "Very impressive.  Disgusting, but impressive."  says Joe.
    "Hey, I just want to dedicate this fight to all the living and dead evil people of the world.  You guys are my heart and soul.  Keep doing all the evil things you do and I'll see you all in hell.  Thanks." Satan says.
    As Satan leaves the octagon, Joe wraps up the show, "And there you have it folks.  It's been an awesome night and until next time, I'm Joe Ruben saying  peace out and take care.  Later."