Worst Date EVER

After my horrific divorce, I waited several years before even THINKING about dating. When you scrape and scrape and scrape to get all the crap off the bottom of your shoe, why step in another big pile on purpose, right?

My friends were convinced I should 'get back on the horse,' and couldn't accept that I was content to just work and spend time with my kids. They kept pestering me to go out with this guy or that guy, until I finally relented. But what I didn't realize was that they were all trying to set me up with guys who clearly were not good enough for THEM, but good enough for ME!

So the big night came, and I drove forty minutes with kids in tow to my friend's house, who had kindly offered to babysit. I dressed up in my least 'mommish' clothes, put on a smidge more makeup and PAINTED MY NAILS! I felt excited and terrified at the same time. After dropping off the children along with snacks and strict instructions, I drove to the local O'Charley's Restaurant, home of the awesome warm, soft, buttery rolls.

I walked into the restaurant, and a blonde, blue-eyed man was waiting inside the door, and said, "Are you Vickie?"

I said, "Yes, are you xxxxxx(cannot remember his name, must have blocked it out)?"

"Yeah," he said, standing up to reveal his rather shabby outfit, replete with wrinkled khaki's, and a black 'Members Only' jacket which had been out of style for at least ten years.

His blonde hair was thinning, and his posture was poor. But I was willing to give him a chance. I was certainly no prize, being overworked, sleep deprived, and living on a tight budget which did not allow for frills like NEW CLOTHES. And I just assumed one of the kids had wiped a snotty nose on me somewhere!

We were led to a table, and the server brought over a basket of the famous warm squishy rolls. Without even the slightest attempt at small talk, he grabbed a roll and consumed half of it in one bite. Then he proceeded to chew it and talk at the same time, with his mouth open, spitting little globbets out in my general direction.

Did I mention the rolls were squishy? Well, when you take a huge bite, the squishy nature of the rolls encourages globbets to collect in your teeth. Most of us would covertly manage to dislodge said globbets from our teeth with our tongues, and not treat others to a display of this activity. He cut to the chase, and just stuck his pinky finger back into his mouth, and dislodged the mushy morsel with little fanfare.

The server came back and took our orders. He ordered a steak and salad, and I ordered just a salad. Not very hungry from nerves, and already grossed out by the episode with the rolls...

I was in awe of his lack of manners, and really just stuck around to see what would happen next. The server brought his salad, and I was treated to another display of appalling table manners when he took a bite of lettuce big enough to choke a horse. It looked like he had a coat hanger in his mouth! And of course he chewed it with gusto, mouth wide open.

Next he was served his steak, which he cut into bite size pieces. Bite size if you're a TYRANNASAURUS!!! It was fascinating to watch. Reminded me of something on Wild Kingdom, like when the lion takes down the wildebeast and tears its meat from the bones.

By this point, I'd had about enough. Throughout the meal, the conversation was awkward, and there clearly was no chemistry. I could have overlooked a lot of things, but table manners are pretty fundamental skills for adults. And toward the end of the meal, the server brought the check and laid it beside his plate. He had subtly placed his hand on the check, and gradually inched it closer and closer and closer to the middle of the table, indicating his unwillingness to pay for my meal.

When he was finished the steak, he looked like he wanted to belch, but gratefully didn't. But he did take his drinking straw out of his glass and flattened it with his fingers. Then he bent it in half, making a sharp point in the middle. To my surprise and absolute amazement, he took the implement he'd fashioned from the drinking straw, stuck it into the back of his mouth and proceeded to extricate remnants of the steak from between his molars!

I could take no more, and pulled a twenty out of my wallet (although I'd only ordered a salad,) threw it on the table and practically ran out of the restaurant. Driving back to my friend's house to retrieve the kids, I laughed hysterically! It was another couple of years before I tried to date again!