A Cynics Romance (Just the beginning)

Why do I feel the need to torture myself like this? Jamie thought as she wandered aimlessly around the grocery store. She knew she needed different things, but first and foremost, alcohol was certainly going to be called for tonight.
Remembering she was in a slight hurry, she half jogged to the snack isle, also containing beer, and grabbed a 6-pack of Sam Adams and placed it in her cart, along with a 12 pack of Pepsi to go with the Captain Morgan she knew she had waiting for her back at her house. Glancing at her watch as she made her way to the checkout, she sped up her pace, hoping to get home soon to pick up her house a bit, hopefully while holding a fairly strong drink in her hand as she did so.
Did he have to decide he would show up early? Couldn’t he have stalled to give my mind a chance to get used to the idea of him sleeping in my BED? The questions raced through her mind as she checked out, with his name on her lips as it had been since 5 months ago, when one night after too much studying and too many more drinks, they had had fairly drunken sex in the cramped cab of his truck in the school parking lot late one night.
“Justin.” The name came out in a whisper as she wondered when she had taken up the habit of talking to herself in public places. Glancing around, realizing no one was staring at her, she figured she must not have said anything loud enough for anyone to hear. Gladly, she loaded her few groceries into her car and started the engine.
Her black Toyota Celica rolled forward slightly as she took her foot gently off the break. Stop stalling, you’re going to be fine. And she stepped on the gas in an effort to force herself onto the road and to her house. Her car had heard and seen the worst of her lately. The nights she had spent sobbing and screaming the lyrics to any angry breakup song she could find on the radio had been getting more and more frequent lately, and this seemed like the one place she could be alone. The one place where she could actually show the emotion she had felt. “God knows I couldn’t ever mention it to him,” she said aloud, almost angrily.
She thought back over the last five months as she entered her house and poured herself a rum and coke. A strong rum and coke. When had the emotion left? Why had it left? Why was it bothering her so much that it had?
Of course, they had both broken the cardinal rule of the ‘friends with benefits’ relationship they had agreed to so many months ago. Or less agreed to, and more had fallen into, without really mentioning which way the relationship was going. “Our second mistake,” she clucked her tongue as she made her bed in some lame attempt to impress him with her for once clean room.
Jamie and Justin had started out as friends in her first semester at college. Sure, she thought he was attractive and he was her type, large muscles, funny, and geeky in a way she could relate to, always making fun of her in that flirty way, and most of all he was a total asshole, which she was strangely attracted to. Both were 21 year old freshman in a new major, Justin had changed from music to chemistry, and Jamie had changed from graphic design to biology. This fact had seemingly thrown them together, and they had hit it off almost immediately from the stepping point of this, and some mutual interests of porn and video games and movies. Justin had been attracted to Jamie since he saw her in their first seminar together, however they hadn’t spoken much until second semester when they had a different class together. He loved the fact that she was a cynical and sarcastic bitch, and could relate to her sense of humor well, and most of all, was one of the few people who could coax her very rare smile out of her normally sullen exterior. This was a fact that he had always liked, and would always remember this whenever they saw each other, she remembered, thinking about how many times he had made her laugh, and how many more his kiss had made her smile. His kiss…She reminisced for a moment about the way he used to kiss her, and how amazing it felt. They had had some amazing kisses, ones that she had felt more than she had with most of her boyfriends in the past.
“Too bad those days are over.” She scowled as she thought about how long it had been since he kissed her like he used to. Jamie was trying to find a cute pair of panties to put on, knowing that at some point during the night, Justin would see them, no matter how much she wanted to avoid his advanced recently, she knew she would give in eventually.
They hadn’t seen each other in around 3 weeks. Nor had they talked much in that period of time. He had the excuse that he had been working more than normal, however she doubted the truthfulness of his statement. “You’re being ridiculous, its as much your fault as his,” she said aloud as she plunked down on her couch to gulp down alcohol in order to deal with the rush of emotion she knew she would feel as soon as he walked in the door.
She wished she hadn’t gone running back to him as soon as he called again. But before she could think about it any longer, she heard a knock on her door. She popped a piece of gum in her mouth to hide the smell of the alcohol she had been drinking, and hurried toward the door.
“Hi,” Justin said, as he walked in, stretching out his arms to give her a hug.
“Hey, what’s up?” She answered, automatically stepping into his embrace. Damn, why do you have to be so fucking perfect, she thought as she felt his strong arms around her waist, pulling her close to him. She refused to meet his eye, and he seemed to awkwardly refuse to meet hers, granted he was too tall for her to accurately detect this, however she assumed it to be true.
“So where can I get a baking dish?” He asked, disengaging himself from the hug they had both been trapped in. The plan for the evening was to use her house to make brownies, as they had both been craving them on the phone earlier. Her house being more or less in the woods had added to the appeal of making them there, as they could be as loud as they wanted, without anyone important listening in, thus lessening the chance of them both spending the night in jail due to a noise complaint, instead of in bed together.
She bent to get a pan out from her cabinet as he settled in, and started to realize she was a little bit more buzzed than she thought she was. “So what have you been up to?” She asked, trying not to care, and the fact that she did was making her upset with herself. “Not a lot,” he answered “working a shitload.” She turned and looked at him, inadvertently looking into his blue eyes, “is this good?” She held up the baking dish, before placing it on her stove, and giggled a bit as she tended to do when there was any sort of liquor in her system. “That’s perfect!” he answered. “Sweet,” she said, as she reached to get the vegetable oil out of the cabinet above her stove. Justin walked over to help when he saw her meek attempt to reach the cabinet, and tickled her sides in that way he had that made her melt, before moving her over and getting it himself.
“Aww, Cutie. Can you grab me a mixing bowl too?”
“Mmhm.” She replied. Cursing herself for feeling anything when he touched her, and cursing herself more for loving it when he called her Cutie, his main petname for her since they’d began their odd sort of lack of relationship. “Do you want a drink?” she asked as the smell of chocolate began to fill her house. “Of course I do,” he answered, and she was already pouring them for both of them. “I’m already buzzed,” she said with another giggle, as she poured a very strong drink for him, knowing he would want it. “I knew something was up. Strong, please.” She handed him his drink and said “I know, babe.”
They both quickly drank the liquor she had poured, knowing that the type in particular would hit them fast.
Chatting idly about random things as they somehow managed to get as buzzed as possible while still successfully baking was a challenge, but all Jamie noticed was how much she missed his strong embrace. They finally got their brownies in the oven, and the conversation turned to something else.
“You know I could get you whatever you wanted if you just asked,” Jamie said, speaking more from being on the verge of drunk than because she actually knew where to get the particular record he was asking her for. He had a fascination with music, and they had been chatting about a gap in his collection.
“What, where?” He replied, taking a few steps toward her. I would look in his eyes if there weren’t so damn many of them. Jamie staggered and grabbed the side of his shirt for support. After a few seconds he stepped away from her gesture, which he seemed to take as a gesture of affection, rather than as an attempt to keep standing up straight. “I wasn’t trying to touch you, I just needed you for support,” she offered her explanation to him. “What do I get if I tell you?” She mused, smiling in spite of herself.
“Come on sweetie, tell me, please?” He said the voice he reserved for more tender moments, as if he knew the combination of him calling her sweetie and the voice reminiscent of old times would make her crack.
“No,” she answered, as he stepped forward and took her into his arms. Her breath caught in her throat as his arms wrapped around her, enveloping her in his strength and warmth. Concentrating on remembering to breathe, she felt his lips on her cheek, kissing her over and over in an attempt to get the information he wanted out of her.
“C’mon baby, please tell me,” he whispered in her ear, his lips gently touching her cheek, her neck, her ear. “You didn’t even kiss me hello, you cant go acting all sweet to…” she trailed off as she gasped, his kisses feeling so good on her skin. “You didn’t kiss ME hello…,” he said, in a tone obviously blaming her for the lack of kissing in the last hour or so.
At this statement, she looked up at him, still in his arms. They paused slightly, as if deciding if it would be right to kiss each other, and then all of a sudden their mouths came together in a kiss. Beginning lightly, they felt each other’s mouths and explored each other with their tongues. God how I missed his kisses, Jamie thought. Justin moved her gently toward the wall and pressed her against it as their kiss gained more and more passion. Their tongues moving together in a dance of pleasure as the kiss lasted longer and longer. She was eager for him, had missed him being so close to her, and he seemed eager to have her. Still kissing her, he picked her up and let her wrap her legs around his waist, holding her as if she was light as a feather in his arms. He slowly lowered them both down onto her kitchen floor, gently placing her down first and slowly positioning himself on top of her, never once pausing their kisses for longer than a shaking breath.
“We’re drunk…” Jamie pointed out, gasping as he disengaged his lips from hers for a brief moment. “I know…” he said, with his eyes still closed, breathing heavily from their kisses. She felt his strong body shift on top of her tiny frame, feeling him move in between her legs as she kissed along his neck and shoulders. She slid her hands under his shirt and along his back, feeling his goose bumps rise as she gently tickled the small of his back. She smiled up at him as he quickly stole a glance into her eyes before looking away again. “I really didn’t plan this…” she whispered, moving her hands up and down his back, feeling the muscles that she loved to touch. It was a lie, of course she had wanted it, she just wasn’t positive it was going to happen with the way he had been acting recently. “You knew it was going to happen, babe, I was coming over, you knew we would end up drunk and in bed.” She sighed, looking up at him and wrapping her arms around him again. Was he looking in her eyes? She couldn’t tell, her eyesight was suffering from the alcohol in her system. They kissed again, and the buzzer went off from the oven, disengaging them from their embrace and forcing them off of each other.
Managing to get everything out of the oven and onto the stove was fairly difficult in their inebriated state, however they managed, somehow without touching each other much. There seemed to be an air of awkwardness following them around, and in response, Jamie poured them both another drink.
When had this awkwardness begun? She wondered. She longed for him to stare into her eyes with the emotion he used to have. Longed for when they would lie in bed together and laugh, and make love, and laugh some more. For the times when their kisses felt amazing and meant so much.
They had started out knowing each other as the asshole in each others lives, never really thinking that either could be capable of the emotion they felt for each other. They had spent a lot of time sitting in the commuter parking lot at school, cuddling in the cab of Justin’s truck after long days of calculus and chemistry, using each others touch to unwind from the day. It was during one of these days when Justin had kissed her on the cheek and said “I like you.” It was cute, and he and Jamie had always exchanged the words in the way that a serious couple would say ‘I love you’ to each other. It was a way of expressing the emotion they had for each other, while still keeping things light and somewhat friendly. “I like you too,” she answered, and cuddled closer to his warmth, not wanting the day to end and him to let her go. He hesitated, and she could tell he was going to say something as he breathed in. “…I really like you, Jamie.” He said, kissing her cheek. “What?” was the only answer she had for him, answered out of surprise. Sure, they had fun with each other, but there was no real expression of too much emotion between them. She certainly hadn’t made it known that she had relatively strong feelings for him, and yet he was the one pointing it out, in the car on a cold day, when they were holding each other close enough not to need the heat on. “Nevermind, forget I said anything,” he answered out of embarrassment of showing any emotion toward her. In response, Jamie kissed him, beginning softly and tenderly, waiting for his response. Instead of pushing harder, feeling for the passion and heat that usually just led to sex in their kisses, he returned the soft, tender kiss. It was a kiss Jamie felt she would never forget. They opened their eyes and looked into each others eyes, deeply, still kissing each other and taking each others breath away with one long, soft, romantic kiss. That one kiss would have told her any emotion he ever had for her, just through the way his lips moved over hers. She could feel him shudder slightly as they parted, only moving centimeters away from each other, and whispering their conversation into each others mouths as though they never wanted the kisses to stop.
“…Oh my god,” Jamie whispered softly, trembling in Justin’s arms, not knowing that the man she had thought of as being so irritating in school could be capable of that type of kiss.
“I know,” he whispered back to her, closing his eyes and kissing her again gently, as he tightened his arms around her, drawing her onto his lap. “You’re trembling,” he said softly, never taking his eyes off of hers.
Jamie giggled nervously, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok,” and kissed her quickly. “If I’m capable of that kiss with you, I cant imagine how the sex will change between us now…” Jamie giggled again. They had always had sex in a car, like teenagers hiding from their parents, never feeling much emotion, just raw passion and normally the effects of drinking too much with dinner. The sex was alright, but something had always been missing. It was never the greatest she had ever had, but he was someone she had always been attracted to, and when did two people ever click from the very beginning? She rationalized. They were just still learning each others bodies, but there was never that emotional component she was sad to say she longed for in their passion.
And how it did change. That one kiss opened a gate of emotion that brought with it some of the best sex she had ever had with a man.
She could almost pinpoint the day that that emotion had left their, what do you call it again, the most fucked up relationship ever? She thought, and realized she was staring at the ice in her drink as he cut up a pan of brownies into even slices. She wondered how long she had been standing there, reminiscing about how much they used to feel for each other.