The Fire Within part 1

"Life seems to b e an experience in ascending and descending. You think you're beginning to live for a single aim-for self-development, or the discovery of cosmic truths-when all you're really doing is to move from place to place as if devoted primarily to real estate" (Margaret Anderson). How do we discover who we are? If discovery is achieved, are we then defined by what drives us? Truly figuring out what makes us tick can be a daunting endeavor. Many are afraid to know who they are; what if these attributes or interests do not fit neatly into the norm set by society. While the fear and apprehension felt when contemplating such divides is understandable, absolute happiness cannot be reached without knowing who we are. In addition to fear of knowing oneself, the desire to fit in with the crowd and conform to other people's personalities will also hinder the self discovery process.
As teenagers and young adults the pressure to join peers and have one shared personalirty can be suffocating. Whether this pressure is real or imagined, people everywhere at this stage of development have no insight into who they are. Individulity is strongly discouraged at this delicate age, and only the truly brave embrace their personal interests and desires. I was an excellent example of a sheep following the herd when I was in high school. The music I liked, the clothes I wore-all pre-determined by those I spent my time with. When alone I would often listen to music I enjoyed or engage in activities that left me fulfilled; what kind of existance is this? To be yourself only when by yourself is insulting to the mind and soul. Eventually most of us outgrow this desire to be invisible and we then embark on a journey of self discovery and hopefully self love.
To thine own self be true. This sentence is not difficult to say, yet is extremely challenging to embrace. When we peel away all of the protectrive layers we have encompassed ourselves with, nothing is left but the true self. This strip down happens at different times for different people; my journey began when everything I "loved" was gone. Being incarcerated in a correctional facility left me with no choice but to think long and hard about who I was and who I desired to become. At the birth of my heroin addiction, excitement washed over me at the thought of finally being defined: I was a junkie. Before that, I was Josh's girlfriend; earlier still Christina's friend was the label. During my lockup the notion came that I was completely lacking any sense of individuality; this realization was devestating. Had I always been the shadow of something or someone else? During my rehabilitation writing became my salvation: writing also opened my eyes to the person inside. Turned out that confusion best described the person I was at that time: confusion about god and religion, about who I yearned to be. Moreover, confusion about how to like this person staring back in the mirror. Reading and writing made the fog of confusion subside and paved the way for knowing myself.
Reading a variety of books and articles, some of these would spark a fire in my body; what I now refer to as one's soul fire. Books on spirituality, nature worship, and peace caused the desire for more knowledge. Newspaper articles on abortion clinic bombings or mistakes made by our president also fueled my fire. I was finally beginning to ascertain awareness of what drives the real Dawn. Spirituality is a personal matter that, while sometimes shared with others, is often a solitary search in the beginning stages. Engaging in different spiritual excercises alone gave me numgerous gifts: understanding of my spiritual self, acceptance of being alone with me, and courage. When lacking courage, the ability to try new things was nonexistant. When the sanctions placed by the court had been satisfied, disbelief and confidence rained down upon me. If I was able to complete tasks such as those