Your Husband is a Space Alien

Your Husband Is a Space Alien!

         In an amazing recent scientific discovery, doctors in New Zealand have uncovered a mutant chromosome detectable by only the most powerful microscopes. The twist of the tale is that the mutant chromosome appears only in men.
         “The studies reveal that the mutant chromosome, which we’ve named ‘Hamlet,’ exists only in male humans,” revealed a source close to the brainy scientists (all females) who made the discovery last April.
         Little is known about the origins of “Hamlet,” but the scientists who made the discovery have linked the mutant to a mystifying source: space waves.
         “It appears possible,” said the source, “that human males are related to an alien species.”
         Concerned investigators speculate that hostile space enemies are making attempts to deteriorate mankind through the use of biological warfare. By emitting dangerous radar-type waves into space, the aliens have managed to penetrate the DNA structure of male humans, both living and unborn. It is unclear why the aliens have chosen only men to be their victims.
         Not surprisingly, men have reacted to the foreign chromosome by displaying strange behavior that leaves females perplexed and confused. Investigators point out that the mutant chromosome is located close to the male-specific “Y” chromosome. For that reason, men are most likely to fall victim to the invader when attempting to communicate with females.
         In an attempt to explain some of the symptoms arising from the chromosome, investigators have executed preliminary research about the domestic life of the aliens who created it. Their conclusions about life on Planet Hamlet, where the aliens might reside, reveal that the behavior of male humans is strongly linked to the lifestyles of their alien cousins:

         1) On Planet Hamlet, children are taught the mechanics of space warfare by observing simulated battles on a large movie-like screen. This ritual is carried on into male humans, who teach themselves how to operate in the workforce by watching televised sporting matches.

         2) Due to the lack of vegetation on Planet Hamlet, citizens are forced to subsist on meat from large game animals and a fermented liquid originating from mountain springs. It is therefore not surprising that male humans often dismiss healthy vegetables in favor of buffalo wings and beer.

         3) Planet Hamlet citizens have the ability to communicate with one another by means of telepathy. Recessive genes present in human males cause them to frustrate human females by promising to phone, and then forgetting that telephones exist! This tragic symptom also causes men to hang up on voicemail systems.

         4) Inhabitants of Planet Hamlet recognize only six basic colors: red, blue, green, yellow, white and black. In recessionary behavior, human males are unable to identify shades like mauve, peach, burgundy, indigo and fuchsia. This handicap causes men to frustrate women by laundering lights with darks, by preferring wood paneling to wallpaper, and by not understanding the need for a box of sixty-four crayons.
         
         Investigators have thus far been unable to make logical speculations on other types of curious male behavior, like the inability to ask directions when lost, the need to dominate the world power structure, and the resistance to holding a woman’s purse when she goes into the dressing room to try on clothing. As the New Zealand scientists are learning more about the mutant chromosome it becomes more and more possible that a cure will be created. Look forward to a world where men and women will cohabitate in peace. In the meantime, women should recognize the bizarre impairment inflicted upon men and help them appreciate the inventions of Planet Earth, such as salad bars, shopping malls, tanning salons and, of course, the telephone.

shortstories.onlineclasses.com