My Sweet December

Here I sit at the computer once more with a heavy ache in my heart and a totally confused mind.
There is so much I need to say,I feel I have to put my words here if nothing else but to take them from heart.

If only for a few minutes I could escape this passion that consumes me,If only I knew how.
You talked to me yesterday Jerry, December 17,2007 and once again,I felt the "rejection". You told me you could not talk to me because you could'nt do her that way,I was so sick on my stomach,the first thing that came to my mind was,it did'nt bother you to do it to me,it did'nt bother you to walk out of my life after you promised me we would always be together......I have been so confused since last December 2006.....
As I hung up the phone with tears rolling down my face I made my decision , I would put a clouser to this now and I will never look back.

I plan to make this story very open, and so simple a child will understand not to ever put their self in my shoes,not ever......"it's not worth it!"

I want to start at the beginning,I don't want to leave anything out,yes I must be understood,I must put down on the paper the pain,the agony,the despair my life was introduced to once I met you,once you weaved yourself into the depth's of my heart,my soul,my every being!!!

December 22,2006 was the most majestic day of my life.
Yet without knowing, it became the ending of the innocence of my love.
But truly Jerry,It was a learning experience that made me a very strong woman,although it was forced on me to do so,I did do it and now I have a fear of sharing anything with anyone, I had already suffered more than enough bereavement since my husband died and now,with out blame, I am afraid to love,to care, I am afraid to move forward for fear of that ache that still engulfs my soul.

Jerry to me was a man that I loved dearly and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I don't understand why I kept hanging on, when I knew he had moved on, "I mean he was married,"something he did only three weeks after we broke up,"not to just any woman" "but to his first wife",somehow I found to be very odd at the time,actually he had two other wives other than the one that died who's name was Kathy,she was the only one I knew about up until the end of the relationship..........Oh! my! now I guess your confused,let me start at the beginning.
My Sweet December

Hi! My name is Kathie,the story I am about to tell you is all about two people searching desperately for Love,both suffering the death of their spouse,trying to gain back some hope of making it ,and putting their past behind them.
I met Jerry September 29,2006,I was at a nightclub I,he walked over and asked me to dance,and before that dance was over I knew I had fell in Love,I had never felt this way before in my life.
The first time I was married I was eighteen,"the second time I was married I was thirty-nine","the first time I fell in Love","I was fifty one....!"
Jerry....."he had me the first time we danced",the first time he held me so tenderly in his arms,his dark warm eyes seem to pull me in,he put that hope in my heart I had felt would never come back.

Going to a dance was a big step for me , my friends had been wanting me to go out for a while now and it seemed to be so hard for me just to think about it much less actually doing it.
I must say I did feel very out of place,I had not been to a dance in at least twenty years I was scared!,excited!,happy!,and at the same time I was very alone!!.

Can we ever feel true tranquility or Contentment? Our hearts to me; control at least 98% of what we feel,our minds only control how we act upon it.
There is so much I remember about Jerry but there was so much about Jerry I did'nt see until it was too late.
Time had spawned a web around my heart when it came to Jerry and I......When ever we were together,where ever we went, it just seemed we were alone,there never seemed to be anyone else in the room when I was ith Jerry , just us and I loved it,there was so much happiness I was just all caught up in it,I never thought for one minute he would ever want anything different or anyone different.

There were many reasons I thought could be wrong,but they all came to me too late.....
Here are just a few questions out of the many thousands I asked myself:

If only I had acted different?

I never had a chance to say i'm sorry?

Will he ever know how desperatley I needed him?

was I just not there enough for him?

I feel so vunerable,now I am so afraid , will it happen again?

Why? Why? Why?

Do you see how I directed everything to myself? I felt as if I had done something wrong,because I knew he loved me,he told me he did and I guess I was just that vulnerable to think it was me.......


As I sat at the table in the night club I was thinking,"what am I doing here?"
It had been so long since I had even been out of the house,much less coming here......I don't know what I was thinking,but here I am and feeling just the way I thought I would....."totally out of place!"



This story, I hope will touch the hearts of many and I also hope it will show you how to teach your heart the restrictions of what it can and cannot do.
Please! heed to the one that is so quick to offer love,security and a future full of contentment
because hey...." it ain't gonna happen!"
There are many vulchers sitting watching their prey way before they ever notice they are being watched.............
Remember; "your better than that! "Tell your self that everyday!
Read this with your up-most attention.........
I wasn't on the path my heart lead me to believe I was on,yet somehow I thought my head was in the right place.....
I guess you can love someone and never realize the limitations set there? hmmmmmm! you tell me?
I looked to the left and noticed a handsome dark headed man coming toward me,I was sitting there alone and enjoying my drink. (something I had not done in quiet a while) my friends were on the dance floor, so I thought I would just sit back and enjoy my moment alone.

This man was coming right for my table,I didn't know what to do! It had been years since I had danced and too, I was very shy....As I turned to look at him I was locked into his eyes! Damn! He was so sexy! His dark brown eyes engulfed me,I fell in love with him,our eyes met and that was all it took....I don't know how it happened but it did.
I wasn't out there looking for anyone,I was just lonely and I needed to fit,to be a part of something," was I confused?"
Remember: key word being; lonely.

He asked in a flawless soft warm voice would I liked to dance? Oh my! "here I was melting and he was so calm!
This handsome stranger would be my downfall, the destruction of all I had worked for to get back since Pete died.
We danced,"It was the most beautiful moment I think I had ever experienced."
I will never forget his touch,the smell of his cologne,I can still remember as I lay my head on his shoulder the savor of the soft leather coat he had on.
We exchanged names in the small time we spent on the dance floor,in the next few dances we shared so much about each other and it all seemed to be so magical that night everything we talked about made me feel we were just ment to be.

The meeting at the dance and all the slow dances went on for about ten weeks,and you can bet every chance I got to go to the club "I went", if only just to see him........
Jerry had took over my heart ,he controlled my every thought,it got to the point if I seen him at the dance I had a wonderful week-end, but if I didn't, I questioned myself all week until I seen him and knew there wasn't another woman.....

Now.......let me get to the reason I call this "My Sweet December".





Having met Jerry and him excepting me into his world was only natural for me to trust,never for one minute did I think I was being deceived or given false hope in a relationship that never existed except to the imagination, I guess.

I remember one night Jerry came to the club and we decided to leave and go to his house,I was a little nervouse,I had never been there you could'nt see the house,we drove up a mountian,and just before we got to the top you could see what seemed to be a small country home,with a oval glass door and wrap around deck,you turned onto flat land,like it was the second level.

There were beautiful bird houses,spring flowers,humming bird feeders of all colors,then on the front of the porch
sat two hugh rocking chairs where you could picture two people in love rocking drinking coffee and just enjoying each others company. It seemed to be so much love all around.

I knew he loved his wife as I did my husband,but I thought he was ready to move on and at that time, I guess I only seen what I wanted to see.

In the yard was a wooden swing for two,"how romantic I thought" on the hill next to the yard sat a old coverd wagon that seemed to accent the setting even more.

Jerry told me he wanted to show me something,we got back in his truck and drove up the drive a little further ,Wow! there were three buildings,one he built for his fishing buddies and him to hang out,it was a small building with a porch and a rooftop,he loved to fish so there was all sorts of signs indicating fishermen welcome here.

The other building was screened in with a picnic table inside,he told me Kathy didn't like bugs so thats why he built it for her,my heart fluttered at how thoughtful he was of her.

The other building was just for storing things,there were trees everywhere and on most of them you could see where he carved their names with hearts circled around and love cut out beside the hearts......it was beautiful and I felt I was so lucky to be able to share that with him....

He called that part the "Top Lot" yep and when you parked there,you could look down at the house and see everything as if you were sitting on a farris wheel.

We put a cooler full of beer in the back of the truck and sat up there for about three hours, laughing, talking,kissing, holding hands, I mean it was just perfect, I often wondered what went wrong?

I stayed with Jerry that night and the next morning we got up and went to breakfast after that we went riding around went to the park walked all over it ,we sat down on a bench and just talked.
Jerry told me how he loved fishing and how he wanted to take me,I mean it seemed like he was dealing me all the ace's....was I not suppose to play?

The more I got to share with him the more I loved him,I felt so blessed.
Before Jerry and I really started spending time in December,He asked me out for our first date,He came here to Eden where I lived from Virginia where he lived , I got Brandi my daughter to take me to meet him,we went out to eat and before we got out of the truck,he handed me a small box wrapped up in red paper and a white bow,my heart was about to beat out of my body,I didn't have a clue he was going to do this....I opened it and it was a "three tear diamond neckless" he put the neckless on me and my whole body was shaking,I mean were talking about a woman that had lost about everything that year,my pride,everything was stripped from me,I had very little self esteem , so I was very shocked at his kindness and love he was offering me....after we ate i was going to the bathroom and he slipped something in my hand when I looked at it,he had handeded me $500.00 to help me through christmas.


I knew Jerry loved me ,he had to why would he do this for me if he didn't.?
The year had ended and the hard part of life was over,I had found someone that loved me as much as I loved them,well as least I thought I had.
That night was December 22, 2006

The next week came and I tried to call him all week,I did what was going on, he was'nt

answering the phone,like I said; I had only been to his house once and I really couldn't figure out or remember how to get there....

We were suppose to go out "New years Eve" we never went.
Now remember only the week before had he given me the neckless.
When we finally talked,I was crushed! He told me he would never love no one but his wife who had died and he didn't want anyone to love him either.

Actually I was devastated! and very confused!
On about the forth day after the conversation I drove to his house,it took me like two hours and when I was about to give up....there it was.whew!
So it is about 9:00p.m. and it looks dark,but his truck is there and Im scard something is wrong he hadn't answered his phone only five minutes before I got there,I ran to the door and knocked on the door and whew!He answered!

he sat there making up excuses about his phone and I told him how scared I was and I was just glad he was alright.
When I started to leave he kissed me and told me he was sorry he was just so confused and how he didn't want to get hurt....hmmmmm! neither did I.

He never took me out New Years Eve,but after that we grew closer and once again,I poured my heart right into it.
The next few weeks he kept my head in the clouds and my feet off the ground!

See, Jerry asked me to move in with him and I told him I couldn't because my son lived with me who was trying to get over a bad marriage his self.
He said;whats wrong with him moving in here too?
I thought once again,now heres a man that wants to not only open his heart but his home too.
I thought I had found my soulmate for sure!and I would say this relationship lasted about six weeks before the break-up,before I had to face reality once again.
What I would say to any woman young or old be strong and never settle for anything less than the best.....that's my moto now and it will always be,I was so innocent and vunerable and to this day I don't understand why he pretended to love me and then dropped me flat on the floor...he had me fooled and that too hurts deep.