Fact and Chance

Its been over a month, actually over any thought I can now memorise, the question popping the heart beating the mind craving. Craving the answer the knowledge an escape. A constant reminder of the past, a hope for a future. The fear of changing, the fear of commitment. Should I stay or should I go?

Should I go back to my home to brother to sister, to my friends? Should I go back to my life? return to what I've known? What will happen of me if I go back home? Will my life just continue the way it was? Will this year in Scotland seem just like a little pause to the catostrophee I belong to? The drugs, the sex, the parties and the overall self distruction of a future. A hope of the new. An ending of the past.

Should I stay and chance happiness for a career that I so want? I so need. Will  I try to love again? Will Francois fulfill the emptiness inside. Does Scotland hold the key for my future. This boring, lonely, sad and contemplating place.

I am always afraid when I need to take a decision for myself but this, this is the one I have been struggling with so much. I am afraid, indeed I am, all that I can remember of home is addiction, sadness, abuse and enemies. All the kind of problems an old criminal man will have endured in his life I have experienced in twenty years. My home is just a place of trouble, death and mostly escapism by chemicals, sex and artificial additives to happiness. Scotland is starting to bringing me back to life, away from drugs and addictions. Away from the danger of rape and sexual abuse, away from the man that so wanted to fuck up my future but without him knowing is the only chance of my future. My father the person that hates me for real, the person that is afraid of me and the person that will never know me for real. Scotland has Francois the uy I meant on my first day here, the guy I never kissed, the gut=y I never slept with. This guy that I liked since the moment we meant and the guy I'm falling in love with. This guy that can fill all I hate about Scotland and the gut which will give the love I need to forget about home.

Scotland does not hold the key but this guy, Francois does.