Domestic Abuse Recovery/Who's In Control

I know that the Lord will defend the rights of those who are oppressed and the cause of those who are needy.
Psalm 140:12

Introduction

It is by the Grace of God that I have come to write this.  It is the result of many events that have led me to this place in time.  There was a time that I did not know that the Lord would defend the rights of the oppressed.  I was very self-reliant, turning to God when I would become overwhelmingly miserable and then quickly turn back to my own will or the will of others giving no serious heed to the Signs that were before me.  After all, I was the one in charge and I was the one who had to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It was my self-given job and at the time I thought it was what was expected of me, my cross to bear.  God wasn’t there consistently or so I thought.  It really comes down to I wasn’t there consistently.

I see now that God was there all along.  I was the only thing moving and I was moving on a course in my life that landed me right in the middle of a region I did not know and into a shelter for abused women and their children.  I had lost all else.  God saw to it that before I finally put myself six foot under He was going to grab my shirt collar and pull me up out of the mire and the muck.  He wasn’t done with me yet even though I had given Him plenty of reasons to be.  He saved another of His children and truly, as I see it, just in the nick of time. 

I am ever thankful for the Grace God’s shown.  I am thankful for the Blessings He has given me.  He has answered prayers and offered a place of refuge that I can now turn to in the trying times that this world can still present.  I am thankful for the people He has put into my life’s path.  I am even coming to be thankful for those who have not been so pleasant to be around as without them I would not be the person I am today.  There is Blessing even in the things I’ve seen as unpleasant for their reasons are to stretch me to a higher level of understanding, growth and being.  That which does not kill us makes us stronger.  I have had this said to me many times through my life and have said it to myself through the trials I have faced.  It holds true even today, yet I took it almost too literally for too long and almost found myself dead.  Really in many ways, I was dead emotionally and spiritually.  It is likely that I was also closer to being physically dead than I care to realize.

To become stronger has taken a lot of time to heal and recover.  I have been one that self-diagnoses, self-treats and self-recovers.  I sought no one’s help and little input or support throughout my life.  Yet, I learned the hard way, which is often the case with me.  Just as one who has a broken leg goes to a doctor to receive treatment one with a broken soul needs to go to The Doctor to receive treatment.  The Doctor made a house call or more appropriately a restaurant call such as it was in my case.  Now I see the Doctor daily.  I speak to the Teacher continuously.  I am touched by the Word and the Grace of God constantly.  He guides me, leads me, encourages me and I am inclined now to share my experience, understandings, ideas and thoughts, praying it will make a difference in someone else’s life.  Amen!

And He inclined to me, and heard my cry.  He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, laid my footsteps firm.  He has put a new song in my mouth – Praise to our God!
                             Psalm 40:1 – 3



Identifying the Truth

Truth comes in various subjective forms when it comes from mankind.  When I speak of my truth it is mine.  It may or may not line up entirely with the truth of another person sitting right next to me at a four way intersection witnessing the exact same car accident I am.  My thoughts, experiences, distractions, and perspective are mine just as yours are your own.  I will speak to my truth based on my thoughts, experiences, distractions and perspective using my style of speech and communicational tools.  The person next to me will employ similar tactics and methods when they convey their truth.

We all put our clothes on in the morning, brush our teeth and meet our day in our respective routines.  The methods by which we dress and brush our teeth are similar.  Meeting our day can be different, therefore changing the truth of the way the day started.  Our attitudes can also change our truth.  A household of four people can begin the day at approximately the same time.  Each goes about their day starting activities in their own individual way.  One arises to see the new day as a nice and wonderful day in spite of the rain and dreariness peering through the window.  Another bumps into the morning grouch, who snarls and growls shoving their way into the bathroom disrupting the routine of the one already running late standing at the bathroom sink combing their hair.  This begins a chain of events that skews the perspectives of two of the members of the house.  The day not only is dreary but grumpy and sleepy are now at odds with each other.  Bumpy continues on with their morning undeterred in the bigger picture.  All walk out of the house.  Even grumpy has to smile at Smiley which leaves Smiley with the impression it continues to be a nice day!

To ask each of these people the truth of the morning’s interactions the truth spoken will be different.  Does that mean they don’t know what the truth is?  Of course not, we all know the point I’m trying to make.  “Man’s” truth is subjective.  When dealing with domestic violence the truth is subjective.  Knowing this, the references made in this course will be subject to the truths I have experienced and the truths I have witnessed or have had shared with me and my interpretations of them.  I will change names and places to ensure the protection of identity and safety of persons involved.  Furthermore, I make this statement to present an even greater aspect of these writings.  Though, at times, I may appear to be preachy, the one truth I know to be consistently True and non-subjective is the Word of God.  When referencing Scripture or events and sermons I have witnessed I will only change again the names of persons involved and the churches or event names involved.  Otherwise, references of Scripture and sermons or spiritual events I will swear to be true, hand on Bible.

So love truth and peace
Zechariah 8:19

One final note, the Biblical translations I use are varied.  I prefer to use the Amplified, the NIV and the NKJV.  These are the three versions I have most readily available.  However, I also have the NCV which I use as my church and study Bible and the Word.  I am always searching for other Bibles that inspire me to reach a greater understanding of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit among us.  So it is possible that as I write I may have acquired other translations of the Bible and will do my best to make reference if a new translation is introduced.

Now, without further ado, I want to jump to the first revelation of truth I witnessed and came to believe over a year ago.  My belief in this has grown exponentially over this year past.  I’m wondering how many of you know who is in control of your life.  Is your husband, your father, your sister, your friend in control of your life?  Are you in control of your life?  Maybe you even think at times your kids are in control of your life.  Ask yourself that question . . .


Who is in control?

The truth about control is that as a person I desire it.  I want to know that I have my hands firmly on the wheel of my car of life and I will get to my point of destination with no detours, no pot holes and no speed limits.  I don’t want to contend with someone driving slowly in front of me nor do I want to look behind me to have someone rushing me either.  I really don’t like it when someone cuts me off.  Interestingly, I have a literal driving fashion on the city roads. 

After putting my car of life in a few ditches, I am slowly coming to wonder why it is so many of us desire control.  I have also come to wonder why others seemingly have no control in their lives at all.  Then as I look around me in growing awareness there are yet others who seem to have their acts together.  Whether there is chaos or serenity they are peacefully moving through life without furrowed brow or clenched fist nor are they haphazardly weaving and bobbing through life.  What are the differences between these three types of people?

By my view point, I can say that I desire control because I fear the outcomes.  I have spent the better part of my life being called a control freak, anal retentive, organizationally happy to a fault and obsessive.  I wanted to control every aspect of my life and if I didn’t know the outcome I would panic.  I also fear failing.  I wanted to succeed at everything I set out to do and if I thought I would fail I would step away from the endeavor.  I organized my closets, my desks, my silverware and Tupperware; everything having a place and everything in its place, including people.  I would get obsessive and adamant about controlling people, places and things.  I was performing quite the juggling act. 

Watching others who were self-professed control freaks, anal retentive, organizational junkies and obsessive, I noticed a similar trend in fears.  They did not like the unknown aspects of life.  They did not want anything less than absolute success.  I still see these traits and I still feel them rear up in me when I am facing uncertainties.  I still sometimes try to grab the wheel of the car of my life and steer matters in the direction I want to see them go.  It depends on the circumstances, sometimes I am very aggressive about trying to steer and other times I am passive about my approach.  However, I am learning the truth about who is really in control.  I am learning there are times I am not meant to be steering my life’s car and there are times I am meant to be behind the wheel but I am not navigating.  There is Someone in the seat next to me guiding me in my course.

When I look at those who are weaving and bobbing in and out of lanes, driving radically all over the place, I ask the same question.  Who is in control?  There is seemingly no method to their madness.  There is seemingly no consistency in their performance and there is no accountability in their behaviors.  It is very disconcerting to observe from the view point of a control freak to say the least.  I have come to learn that often times these are the people who are fighting the devil off of their steering wheels of life.  They are either addicted to something detrimental to their well being or they are fighting the battles of life and death, either literally or figuratively with the one who would sooner see mankind fall than see us triumph.  I say this knowing that there came a point in my own life where my car was all over the place.  The view I had through the windshield didn’t illuminate the ravine I was headed into.  I was still clutching the wheel thinking I could rely on my own abilities to avoid any major pitfalls in life.

I would drive by many that had a smile on their face no matter the weather they were facing and regardless of the mountains that loomed before them.  I saw them drive into valleys calmly without a bead of sweat on their brow or a lingering look of concern in their face.  There was an inner peace in their eyes and a knowing in their words.  I could not fathom what they had.  I perceived their life’s car was simply a better model car and they were the lucky ones.  They knew something, now I know.  They knew they were not really the one’s driving.  They were trusting that their journey, whether in the valleys or over the mountains was being driven or navigated by a force higher than themselves.  They had Faith and they had Belief.  I see these people now and know that I am a student still in the Divine Driver’s Education class.  Thank God He’s teaching me how to drive.

There is little in this world we can control.  We cannot control someone else’s behavior.  We can only control how we react or respond to someone else.  We cannot control life events.  We can only control how we allow our attitudes about such events impact our abilities to deal and cope with them.  We cannot control things but we can control our choices and engagements with things.  We can only control ourselves.  Ultimately God is in control of the rest.  He demonstrated His control as I went plummeting off the ravine realizing I was sitting in front of a man at lunch one day last fall whom I had known over half of my life and I would not chose to be with him any longer.  I had made that choice many times before, but could not get myself out of the situation.  I could not face defeat and I could not face the outcome.  I was realizing I was not in control and I was falling headlong into a bottomless pit I could no longer see my way out of.  I had been driving downhill for years.  I had been worn down, beat up and put up wet emotionally and physically.  I didn’t have the energy to hold on to the wheel anymore . . . God stepped in and moved me out of the driver’s seat of control.

Letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace
Romans 8:6

Changing Gears and Asking for Directions

You might ask at this point how does one go about changing gears and asking for directions when the pattern of life has been to either a) be in nothing but utter self perceived control or b) be in nothing but utter lack of self perceived control?

Once I realized God had the wheel and didn’t have the energy to wrestle it back into my own hands, I sat back for the ride.  I saw things occur that I had thought only I could make occur.  If I could not make them occur then I thought they were not meant to happen in the first place.  God make a lot of things happen that are virtually impossible for us to make happen left to our own devices.

Now don’t misunderstand.  God having the wheel did not take me to the nearest five star hotel where I was receiving massages and pedicures all day while I ate bon bons and drank champagne.  God took the wheel and put me where He knew I needed to be.  He navigated me through some of the most difficult months ahead that I had faced in my life.  He remains with me as I live this life.  He’ll remain with me when I leave this life.

This is not to take away from the endurance of well over a decade’s worth of abusive subjection living with a very broken man.  This is to say that for the first time I had to face me, my issues, my problems and my addiction to control among other things.  I had to face my fears, wrong doings and limitations.  I also had to heal, recover and regain my strength emotionally and physically.  All the while, my spirituality was blossoming.  I knew as I was escorted via county sheriff protection to a local shelter that God had me and my children well in hand.  I knew it.  I felt it.  I heard it.  I saw it.  I could smell it.  Sounds crazy to some I’m sure.  To others they know precisely what I am talking about.  I found God and I was drawing nearer to Him with each passing day.

As with everything in a person’s life, you begin with baby steps.  You are born onto this earth with a need to be cared for.  You are born onto this earth with a need to be guided.  You are born onto this earth with a need to be taught.  You are born onto this earth with a need to love.  You are born onto this earth with a need to fulfill a purpose.  These aspects apply emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  Some components are innate and we learn quickly reaching full stride in no time.  Other things take practice and time sees progress in ability.  We may fall, we may toddle again and eventually we find our bearings and gain our strength and go forward.  As we get better at one facet we’ll be given our next task to learn and stretch our feelings, our thoughts, our bodies, our minds and our souls.

I rely heavily on God now.  I still try to push my weight around.  I still try to dominate my destiny.  I am not ignoring Signs anymore nor am I falling on the will of others.  I still struggle with identifying my will or God’s will.  I still become impatient with time lines and God’s time.  I am not ignoring Signs anymore nor am I falling into the trap of self-reliance and willfulness so much so that I find myself driving downhill into a pit of chaos and insanity.  I ask God a lot of questions.  I get a lot of answers.  I like and appreciate some of the answers.  Some of the answers I don’t like so much.  I’m as a child really.  Sometimes I try to be too grown for my britches when it comes to spiritual matters.  God’ll teach me as the Faithful Parent He is.  I trust that and I believe in that!! 

Let God do the driving and the navigating when you are behind the wheel.  The gears will change easily when He’s left to do His job.  Sit back, enjoy the scenery He will lead you to some very remarkable places and bring some very remarkable events into your life, none like you would ever imagine or gain in your own doing.

For nothing is impossible with God
Luke 1:37


Directions to change gears by and lessons on how to ask directions

Make an oath to release the steering wheel and trust God’s ability.
Now when people take an oath, they call on someone greater than themselves to hold them to it.  And without any question that oath is binding.  God also found himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind.
Hebrews 6:16 – 17          

Take the rose-colored glasses off and see clearly.
But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.  For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.  And the Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.
                   2 Corinthians 3:16 – 18

Ask for guidance with humbleness of being, sincerity of mind and a genuine heart.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion.  Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers. . .
Ephesians 6:18

Ask to know and He will answer you.
Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:6

Abide in what God reveals and follow His direction.
Obey his commands, listen to his voice and cling to him.
Deuteronomy 13:4