Santa Claus Spoiler Alert

SPOILER ALERT. THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS.

What? I gave a spoiler alert.  That's right, there's none.  We've searched every square inch of the north pole and found nary a thing.  No workshop, no elves, no generic wife, and no reindeer.  No Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner or Dixon.  Rudolph?  Merely the feverish dream of Robert May.  If anyone knows where that little girl Virginia is, please break it to her gently.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the idea: let's make Santa Claus! 

Let's face it, we have the technology.  Now, I admit the costs would be a tad high, but think of the payoff!  It's the holidays and suddenly...what's that sound on the rooftop?  Why, it's the real Santa Claus!  He's here to punish you because you're a horrible person!  Unless of course you're good, in which he'll bring you presents!  Which will it be?!  I can’t wait!

Now, first of all, this project will be impossible unless we start by being practical.  In order to potentially get presents, you must be between the ages of three and fourteen.  Everyone younger than three can't really be responsible for what they do, and everyone old enough to be in high school is evil (or insane, either way they're not eligible).  You have to apply to be judged by Santa (or have your child judged) with any mall Santa.  These 'Santas helpers' are actually licenced by the United Nations and have been trained by ex-CIA agents to correctly determine if the kids are honest about the 'good things' they've done.  This interview, combined with the child's wish list, any additional documents they wish to present (school transcripts, notorized letters from elderly neighbor, etc), and any dirt they have on their classmates to help determine THEIR nice or nauty status, are filed through the internet to the real Santa Claus in his North Pole command center.

This command center wouldn't be as large or elaborate as you might imagine, as the toys would be manufactured in factories in other countries, and merely ordered as needed from the command center.  To keep from interfering with normal toy sales, the toys sent will be more or less 'traditional presents'.  There will be large dolls in frilly dresses, wooden soldiers, rocking horses, over-sized candy canes, teddy bears and such.  If they want the newest ultra-violent video game, then their parents will still have to foot the bill.  Coal is in shrinking supply these days, so instead a useless, practical gift will be given instead.  Nothing says 'up yours', like opening a giant, game board sized present and then discovering that it's an itchy sweater.  These presents can be shipped at any time as long as it is certain that they'll arrive at their intended destination on December 24th, after 8pm.

Now, I know Santa's normally supposed to deliver them himself, but let's face it, even with today's technology this just isn't possible.  Instead, he'll get FedEx or UPS to deliver them all.  In fact, Santa can probably hire both, just to be sure.  To avoid too much effort, kids in the 'gray area', who aren't quite good or bad just get nothing, except a 'try harder next year' form letter a day or two later.  The bad kids will get the ironic, giant pretty boxes filled with boring crap.  The good kids will get the large cool toys and the smug satisfaction that they're better than other people.

Alright, I know, Santa has to fly out himself or it just doesn't count.  A few "nicest of the nice" kids will be selected and Santa will fly to them in one of the fastest jets in the world (for arguments sake, let's say the SR-71 Blackbird, which goes Mach 3.3, but might possibly go Mach 4 if needed).  After landing, police will escort him to the specific houses, and then Santa will personally present the lucky kids with a generic toy...

...and a cool million dollars in cash tax free!  Now, if I know anything about child actors, giving a child and their potentially insane parents a lot of cash can be bad, so it will instead be in the form of a trust fund that will be available to them when they turn 18, which is just in time to completely pay for college, and get them a great car to boot!  This fund can always be canceled of course, if the kid goes completely bad by the time they turn eighteen, but that would only be done in extreme cases.  Even if they're kind of a jerk later in life, think how much a million in cash will mellow them out!  After the first kid, Santa will do the next nicest and so on as time permits.  To allow Santa to get at least a few, he'll start with the kids in the latest time zone and work his way toward the earlier ones.  To be sure, we'll also allow him all of December 25th as well, if he feels that it's warranted.  What?  Are you really going to tell him no?  He's Santa!

This won't be just for America of course, as any country that wants to join in is free to do so (although America, Europe and Japan should be the major ones).  Santa will be an indefinite position elected by the people, and they can stay Santa as long as they continue to remain nice, have a giant white beard and exceed the required weight minimums.

Now, I bet you're wondering where we're going to get the money for all this.  Easy, we ditch the space program.  I mean, what would you rather have, a guy floating in space doing nothing or SANTA CLAUS?  The space program has done a lot for us, but we've definitely reached the limits of its usefulness.  Space is big, empty and radioactive.  Let's just leave it and focus on fulfilling the dreams of a billion kids instead!  This program will also push ahead technology, as we search for better ways to bring Santa to the world.

Just imagine it, a robotic Santa flying at nearly the speed of light, firing presents neatly onto porches using his laser guided 'gift gattling gun', swooping low with his metallic wings outstretched, his anti-aircraft missles scanning for any potential adversaries, and his glowing red and green eyes spreading joy and cold judgment all over the world.  Suddenly, he gives a shrieking cry to the heavens that can be heard from as far as ten miles away...

"HO, HO, HO."

Happy holidays everyone.