Easter Egg Hunt Champ to Defend Title

Easter Egg Hunt Champ to Defend Title

By Jack Rawlins

E-Day for an annual Easter Egg Hunt is coming soon to a venue near you...perhaps your own house or yard.  So, it’s timely that I report an interview I never had with one of last year’s champs of whom you’ve never heard.

JR: Leroy, I know in 2007 you took first place in the 8-year old division of the Lestchester County Mhi Gramma Easter Egg Hunt. Will you defend your title in this year’s event?

Leroy: Oh, yes! The thrill of victory was an exhilarating experience, and like most youngsters I thrive on exhilaration. I would just love to be exhilarated again. Besides, Mother wouldn’t have it any other way.

JR: You speak well for a child your age.

Leroy: Mother says you’ve got to speak up to get what’s coming to you.  She had me take speech lessons this year with one of the best teachers available. She thought I flubbed my interview with the editor of Mhi Gramma News when I won last year’s hunt. Said I mispronounced "existential" and should have referred to the other kids as “little urchins,” not “little turds.”

JR:  She must be confident that you’re going to defend your title.

Leroy:  I’d better win. It’s very important to her. Psychologically, you know. Vicarious satisfaction, that sort of thing. Or is it varicose satisfaction?  I notice her veins stand out whenever I lose at anything.

JR: In reviewing last year’s hunt, did you feel from the start that you had it made …that you were way out in front?

Leroy: Well,  no. As a matter of fact, I was doing rather poorly until  Mother blew her whistle and called a time out.

JR:  She was an official?

Leroy:  Oh, no. She always carries a whistle. She says it’s for self defense, but mostly she uses it to get people’s attention.

JR:  What did she tell you during the time out?

Leroy:  She said I’d better win. She wasn’t about to have everyone in town laughing at her because I lost a freaken  Easter Egg Hunt.

JR:  After that, things changed?

Leroy: Well, of course.  Mother’s a very sensitive person and she did invest a lot of time coaching me.  I felt I owed her.  In fact several times during our little chat  she said, “You owe me.”

JR:  Please tell us what you did during the  rest of the hunt.

Leroy:  I kept close watch on the other kids. I’m pretty fast on my feet for a kid my size. I  keyed on the front runners. When I saw one make a bee-line for an egg I outraced and out-snatched. him or her.  Saved me a lot of hunting and I was able to let them lead the way.

I also found most kids will drop  a bag full of  Easter Eggs if you give them a good solid kidney punch. Another good technique Mother taught me was to work in close and tear the bottom out  of the other kid’s bags.

Most kids have little hands, you know,  so they can’t carry more than a few eggs at a time without  a bag of some kind.

Some bargain basement sale tactics came in handy, too: elbow to the solar plexus; stomping the instep; and good old fashion shoving (Mother likes to  say it’s really just jostling, but you’ve got to put some power behind it to be effective.) She always cheers when  I knock some pretty little thing on her ass. Oh, I beg your pardon.  I mean her caudal extremity.

JR: Don’t the other kids complain or tell their parents?

Leroy:  One of them did last year, but he got his foot caught in the crotch of a Maple tree. They found him hanging upside down and bawling like an 8-year old.

He’d probably still be there if Mother hadn’t told her sorority sisters where to find him.

JR:  Are there any other special techniques you use?

Leroy: My secret weapon is  the Paul Bunyan Stomp.

JR:  Would you explain it?

Leroy: Sometimes , no matter how fast you are, another kid will bend to scoop an egg before you can. Best thing to do then is stomp the egg---hard!.

JR:  Don’t you sometimes stomp another youngster’s hand at the same time?

Leroy: Mother says, “If you can’t stand the cold, get out of the  park.”  I don’t know what she means, but it has something to do with kids jumping up and down and rubbing their hands after a stomp… like they’re trying to get them warm.

JR:  Does your father follow you when you’re in competition?

Leroy:  No. He’s not much on competitive sports since they kicked him out of the Country Club for cheating.

JR:  At golf?

Leroy:  Golf. Cards. Darts. Marriage.

JR:  Champ, I’ve enjoyed talking with you. Good luck.  Do you  have  a special game plan?

Leroy:  Yes. I plan to take it two days at a time.

JR:  Two?

Leroy  I like to get out the day before and watch where they put the eggs.

JR:  Is that fair?

Leroy:  Mother says, “It’s not how you play the game. It’s whether you win.”

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