Up Dated

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“I’m no good any more.” His rich dark Transylvanian tone oozed forlornly over the moon washed graveyard.

“Naw! Your still the Daddy, the big Cheese, the one and only Drac.” The ghost of Mick the Biker said from his resting place to the left of the ivy covered table tomb on which the vampire rested.

“Nice you say so Mick but it’s true, I do not scare anyone anymore.” Dracula’s head drooped and he shrugged his silk covered shoulder. ‘A figure of fun they have turned me, I hear them laughing at my name, it hurts.”

“Cheer up you’ve just got a dose of the ‘Ghosty’ Blues.”

“This may be so Mick but it’s been so long since anyone has screamed at me. Now when I jump out, they call me names, and not nice ones like ‘fiend’ or ‘monster’ but ‘pervert’ or ‘dirty flasher’, it’s so… soul destroying. The Victorian’s how I miss their sweet scent of fear; they knew a monster when they saw one. Swooning ladies in flimsy see through negligees.” He began to breathe heavily at the thought

“Yah! I suppose when you’re getting on, I mean been under, I mean like…” Mick struggled to put it better.

“He mean’s your past it and that’s a fact.” A female’s voice joined in.

“TRACY! Why you go and say that; can’t you see this guy is like, sufferin’?”

“Well he started it, and beside it’s true. He’s lost it. I mean who goes ‘round in the Full Monty nowadays? Not unless you’re a stripper that is. What you need Drac love is a make-over. A decent hair-cut, new togs and while I’m at it drop that sodden accent. You just sound bleedin’ odd not interestin’.

“She’s right it’s bout time you hung up the old whistle and got the Barnet done, now will you all  shut up some of us are trying to get some eternal shut-eye.” A man’s voice drifted from the shiny newer stones by the pathway.

“Perhaps if you did try to fit in more, you’d get your teeth stuck in no time, that’s what you need right, to become a solid again isn’t it?” Mick asked.

“This much is true, a quick slurp of a nice ‘A+’ for a starter and then perhaps an robust ‘AB’ and after that a sweet ‘O’ for desert.” He began to drool slightly.

“But before all that ‘slap up’ you’ve got to get near them right? So it’s like Tracy girl says, you need to become more like them blokes that girls today fancy.” Mick raised his voice. “Any you ‘Recent’ got something in the way of a nice flute, or designer stuff?”

“I have, I don’t know what my mum was thinking off, wouldn’t be seen de…well you know what I mean in this, I’m more a hoodie and trainers guy me self.” A young man’s voice drifted up from a grave covered in fresh wreaths.

“Now we’re working the hair might be trickier, girls any ideas?”

“Grow it long and put it back in a pony tail?” Beccy added feebly.

“That’s just so ‘80’s .How about a trim and a bit of gel dear-heart. It will give it texture and lift and then a bit of zwushing.” A man’s light voice added.

“Great, is that you Terry?”

“Hi little Mick, long time no see.” An orb drifted erratically towards them. It pulsated as it circled Dracula’s head.
“That style is just plain nasty, lucky for you my friends dropped in my kit, Trevor said no one at the Crew Cut was fit to touch my scissors. Isn’t that the truth.”

Unseen hands ruffled the vampire’s hair. “Man when did you last condition this mop, the last time I saw anything this dry it was in the pot on my grave? Birthdays, Anniversaries do they visit? There’s not been so much as a single lily in the past six months; a scandal isn’t it, going anywhere nice for your holidays?”

“I thought a fortnight in Transylvania perhaps, good to look up old friends and then on to…no no this is all wrong, my cloak, what are you doing?” Dracula tried to brush away the two other orbs that were removing his clothes

A black shirt and trousers drifted up over the tombstones.

“Very you dear-heart” Terry said as socks and shoes appeared and replaced Victorian button down boots. “If you could see yourself in the mirror you’d just fall in love. Something’s missing. Idea’s anyone?” Terry called.

“Coat that dud needs a cool coat. Here have mine, not like I’m going out tonight.”

A bat like object silhouetted against the sky and landed next to Dracula.

“Cor! Black leather nice stuff.” Mike approved as he helped his friend put it on.
“Well girls what do you think, would you let him suck your neck?”

“Now that’s what I call a makeover, he looks real flash now, if I still had a neck I’d let him suck it for sure.” Tracy called.

“I don’t know Trace”, a recent called Jade added “he looks fit, don’t get me wrong but he kinds of reminds me of someone…Jonny Depp? Brad Pit? “Naw! it won’t come, still like I say he sure is fit. Won’t have no trouble pullin’”

“So off you go terrorisin’” Mick shood him away. “ Remember, walk like you own the streets and lose that ‘I vant to suck your blood’ accent.” Mick put his thumb up as the vampire left the cemetery gates.

It wasn’t long before they heard the sound of a women screaming.

“See told you it would work.” Mick bellowed.

It was followed by the sound of someone running.

Dracula’s ghost appeared and then walked through the gate.

“All I said was ‘I am a vampire.’ And they started to scream and chase me, too many off them to bite, so I had to run away.”

He returned to his place next to Mick and looked puzzled.

“And who is David Boreanaz anyway?