Fairytale Email From Uncle Rumple

Fairytale Email From Uncle Rumple
(As read in the voice of the late, great, Rodney Dangerfield)

Dear Nephew Grumpy,

Hey, it’s your Uncle Rumpel. What duya know, what duya know, huh?

I was thrilled to hear from you the other day. I’m so glad that everything worked out between you and Princess Snow White. What a babe, you know. I used to date her mother. Boy, that was one evil witch, lemme tell you. I’ve still got the scratches on my back. Ow! And she kept trying to feed me those apples all the time, you know. I thought she was a fruitarian or something. Yeah right, more like an old fruit bat. The first time I took her out, she up and flew away. Geez, I get no respect.

As for me, I’m still trying to figure out how to get a family together, you know. Like this miller’s daughter, nice girl, nice girl. I told her I could spin straw into gold. And she believed me! Boy, was she a bright kid, lemme tell ya. But right away she wants to take advantage of me, you know? Like I’m her fairy godmother or something. She throws me in a dark room and makes me spin straw all night, while she goes upstairs to hump the King. And what about me, huh, I never got a kiss, a hug, nothing for my troubles. I get no respect, lemme tell ya. I tried to get her to sleep with me, but she told me she was afraid of the dark . . . then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light.

Then she offers me some of her old crappy jewelry, you know. She says she wants me to work harder so the King will be impressed. I said, "Screw the King!" She says, "I did, and now I'm pregnant." It reminded me of when I was a kid and my parents got me a dog, you know. I was always jealous of that damn dog. I told 'em one of us has gotta go, so they got rid of me instead.

In my life, I’ve been through plenty, lemme tell ya. I told the new Queen I wanted her first-born child. But it was such an ugly baby, she wouldn’t even breastfeed it. She said she only liked it as a friend.

I said, “Look, if you can guess my name, you can keep your ugly kid.”

So, she gives me this look, you know, like she’s never seen me before. "Hey, it's me," I said, "the guy you’ve had locked up in that room full of straw for all this time. Gimme a break, will ya?"

But I get no respect, lemme tell you. Around here, people can’t even remember my name.

Sincerely, and still spinning straw,
Your Uncle,
Rumpelstiltskin