Lily's Utopia

I wonder if someday I’ll be good with goodbyes, but I’ll be okay if you come along with me.

Her favorite flower was a Lily. Whether that was because it was also her name, or because it was one of the most beautiful, most delicate flowers out of them all, I’ll never know.

She grew a bunch, in our little garden we had when we were younger. A little getaway from our parents, a little hideout away from the rest of the world. It was her idea. We met when we were six. I moved into the house next to her, and my parents forced me to befriend her.

Little did I know she’d become the best friend I’d ever have.


“Kendall, this is Lily. She’s the same age as you, and will be starting school with you next month.”

I smiled shyly at the tiny blonde girl standing in front of me, wearing a tiny white cotton dress and rubber boots covered in mud. She took my hand and led me behind her house to a pond filled with lilies and tall grass.

“What do you see?” she asked, pointing to the water.

I didn’t know what she meant. “I see water…”

“Look closer. Look deep into it, and tell me what you see.”

I was afraid if I got close to the water, she might push me in. At least, that’s what my brother would do. I stepped a little closer, trying not to slide on the slippery grass surrounding the pond. I looked in deeper and all I could see were little stones under the rippling water.

“I see stones.”

She came up beside me and kneeled down, pushing the water around and watching as the sun reflected off it and made her hair look like gold.

“I see a tiny underwater land, with small mermaids and fish, swimming around and living their lives. It’s beautiful, don’t you think?”


I walked by her pond again, kneeling beside it and pushing the water around like she did. I still couldn’t see the tiny underwater land, but I knew it was there, and I knew it was populated by her imagination.

I picked a lily from the ground next to it and smelled it. She always seemed to smell the same as a lily.

I walked farther away from her house, past the old tire swing we used to swing on, past the abandoned tool shed that her dad kept his tools in, but never used, past the giant weeping willow where we’d sit under and paint. After the giant weeping willow was a rickety old bridge over a calm and quiet creek. I walked over it, carefully avoiding any weak spots we had found in the past.

Down the hill after the bridge, I saw our sweet escape. It was still glowing like it always seemed to do. Whether it was raining, snowing, cloudy or sunny, it would still always glow with a sort of youthfulness I never understood.


“Come on Kendall! I have to show you something!”

As always, Lily eagerly grabbed my hand and led me somewhere. She led me past the weeping willow and over the creaky bridge and down a grassy hill, to a little patch of forest that seemed to be neglected and avoided. I looked around and thought it could be a pretty comfy fort.

She looked at me, ambition in her eyes, and grinned. “Isn’t it beautiful? I’m going to plant some flowers here, make a giant garden. Have a little world of our own. Don’t you think it would be lovely?”

I smiled. Something about her childlike excitement made me feel younger than twelve and more spontaneous. “It really would. We could go to it to get away from the real world.”

“It would be our little utopia. We could build a bench or something, and plant flowers… maybe tomatoes. And it’ll just be our little secret.”


I sat down on the moss-covered bench we had made one day with my dad’s firewood. I looked around and sighed, remembering how many times we spent here, just leaning against the giant trees or sitting on a blanket with a picnic our mother’s packed us. The times we spent crying over boys, laughing over life. A lump formed in my throat and I swallowed, making sure it didn’t lead to me crying.

I remember the times we’d come here when she was sick, and she would just lie on my lap, resting her eyes and dreaming of better, healthier days.

We had planned to grow some more flowers here; maybe a lilac bush, lavender’s, roses, and we had planned on going out to buy some more seeds and bulbs, when the unexpected happened.


I walked up to the door of her house and watched as her father opened it, strained look on his face.

“Kendall, it’s gotten worse. She’s in the hospital with her mother now. I can take you there if you want.”

I froze and zoned out. He took me to the hospital where a blur of light pink and off white ran past me every time I looked up from my lap. We could finally go in and see Lily while she was awake. I went in after her mom and dad and felt hot tears running down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly and held onto her hand.

“I love you Kendall,” she told me, pale and barely breathing.

“I love you too Lily,” I said, choking on my own sobs.

“Promise me one thing. Promise me you’ll take care of it. You’ll look after our spot. Promise me you’ll water the flowers.”

I nodded, not being able to form words.

“I’ll always be with you. I’ll always be there. I’m with you forever.”

I sat there with her for I don’t know how long and then left to have a nap in the waiting room.

It was two in the morning when the doctor told us she didn’t make it. Her parents drove me home later that morning, and I didn’t go into my own house. I ran as far as I could, past the pond, the tire swing, the tool shed, the weeping willow, over the bridge and down the hill and lay down in the grass, surrounded by lilies, crying. She was only sixteen. She was only sixteen…

And here I sat, ten years later, I was twenty-six, and didn’t take care of this utopia of ours. But as I sat on the bench, remembering better times, I couldn’t help but feel a presence with me. I closed my eyes and breathed in as the wind picked up a bit.

There she was, always here, like she promised. I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise Lily. I missed you too much to keep coming back here.

I got up after an hour, and started walking back up the hill. I reached the pond again and kneeled down next to it. I saw my reflection, and twisted the lily around in my hand. I threw it into the pond and watched it float.

I’m keeping up my promise now Lily. I’ll plant some brand new flowers, just for you. I’ll make it the gorgeous utopia it once was when you were still here.

I walked back to my house. I can keep our hideaway beautiful, I can make it beautiful again. I’m still here, and so is Lily. We can do it together; we can make it together, just like we had planned to before. Just like we had promised each other from the start. Together.

I wonder if you’ll ever sing this tune, all I know is the answer is in the air.