How to Save a Dying Superhero

How to save a dying superhero

Lex wished he had never gotten out of bed that morning. Sure, 56 minutes ago the day had still seemed ripe with opportunities. After all, this was Lex’ first day as a surgeon, Lex having finally completed his residency after many years of hard studying and working late hours. He was eager to show the people at the hospital what he could do and arrived at his workplace fifteen minutes early. Which was right in time to see Mega, the world’s most popular superhero, being wheeled in on a stretcher, his once indestructible body now battered. Mega’s chest was giving off a green glow, and there was a large, pointy object sticking out of it. At that point, Lex was hoping Mega was not going to be his first patient, but one minute later that hope was dashed.

"You are going to have to operate him," the chief surgeon barked in his ear. "All the other surgeons are afraid that not being able to save the most loved man on the planet will kill their careers, and frankly, it doesn't look like he is going to survive this."

With a sinking feeling in his stomach, Lex realised that his career could be over before it had properly started.

However, the queasy feeling in his stomach only got worse when he was in the operating room with Mega, and had tried to use a scalpel on Mega’s chest, only to have the thing break in half the moment it touched the superhero’s body. Billy, a fresh faced intern who seemed all too eager to help out in this operation, joked that “wow, I guess he really cannot be harmed by solid steel,” which almost made Lex throw him out of the operating room. He probably would have done so, had his arm not been grabbed by Mega, who urged him to “get that thing out of my body, it’s made of the only material that I don’t have a resistance to!” And as Mega then faded back into unconsciousness, Lex felt like he was going to faint any minute now.

Everybody in the operating room was looking at him expectantly, and he could see that the viewing room above the operating room was packed with people. It was only a small pinch in his arm from his right side that rought him back to reality. The other intern in the room, Louisa, smiled at him expectantly, and if the life of the world's biggest superhero wasn't in danger right now, he probably would have smiled back.

Lex cleared his throat, shook the muscles in his shoulder loose and looked at his assistants. Then he asked them a question he regretted almost instantly:

“Who on earth did this to him?”

As if on cue, one of the walls exploded in a big cloud of dust and particals, and a man in a garish spandex outfit entered the room, looking at all people present triumphantly and maybe a tad too smug. As is more or less standard procedure when a criminal mastermind enters a room, everybody there gasped, and even though everybody knew very well who this was, Billy felt an urge to yell:

“It’s the Evil One!”

Which seemed to please the super criminal immensely.

“I came here to finish what I started!” he yelled at his onlookers, even though none of them was standing more than a few feet away, and he produced a strange yet impressive looking gun from a belt around his waist.

“And nobody can stop me!” he continued, letting a silence fall after those words, which made Lex wonder if the evil genius was maybe waiting for a musical cue to emphasize his words. Lex’ mind was racing, as he thought of a way to keep his first patient from being brutally murdered, right here, in his operating room. Luckily, Billy bought him some time by jumping in front of The Evil One before Lex could stop him, and yelling the one thing you don’t yell at a supercriminal with a big gun in his hand:

“Over my dead body!”

The Evil One took a long look at Billy, his mouth arching up in that supremely evil way only the really bad guys have mastered, but then shrugged and said: "That’s too easy.” After which he smacked Billy in the face with his gun. The intern crumpled down on the floor, as The Evil One stepped over him and threw his hands in the air.

“I am The Evil One!” he yelled. “And nobody can mess with me!”

Almost ecstatic, The Evil One had his eyes closed and savoured the moment. Maybe a bit too long, which he noticed when he opened his eyes.

“Hey!” he again yelled. “Where did they go?”

He ran out of the operating room, just in time to see Lex  push the bed carrying Mega into an elevator. As he mumbled to himself: “Why do they always have to run away?” The Evil One ran towards the elevator to see where it was going.

Inside the elevator, Lex had pushed the button which would lead them to the top floor, but pressed the brake seconds after the elevator had started moving.
“There, this should buy us some time,” he told the battered superhero, who had once again regained consciousness and was looking at him through one half opened eye.
“What are you going to do about him?” he asked Lex, to which Lex answered by shrugging his shoulders.
“I have absolutely no idea, but I think it’s important now for us to get that thing out of your body. I’m guessing that it has some sort of crippling effect on you, and that you will regain your powers once it’s gone. The only problem is though,” he said, punctuating his words with a deep sigh, “how am I going to open your body so I can get that thing out? Is there any instrument which I can use to open up your chest?”
The hero slowly shook his head.
“Can you open your chest yourself?”
Another shake.
“Not even with your nails or something? They are not made of some sort of superpowered material?”
Mega tried to laugh at the last remark, which made him fall into a coughing fit. When that was done, he said: “I hate to say this, Doc, but I’m indestructible. Nothing can hurt me.”

They exchanged a look.

"Well, normally nothing can hurt me."

“Yeah, whatever he used to hurt you was able to penetrate your body without any…”
Lex stopped.

“Wait a minute.”

Just as Lex was having the brainwave that could save the day, the back wall of the elevator was torn apart by a loud explosion. Lex was not very surprised to see the reason for this.
“Clever boy!” The Evil One yelled at him. “Here I am waiting on the top floor, and you had stopped the elevator halfway through! However,” he shrugged, “this has only bought you a little bit of extra time. I hope that you and Mr. Big Hero here have said your goodbyes, because his time is up.” Once again, The Evil One produced the big gun, and aimed it at Mega’s chest. “I guess one Lukonium bullet couldn’t kill you, but I’m pretty sure a second one will. Especially if I aim it at your head!”

“Wait!”

This time it was Lex jumping in front of the hero, looking at The Evil One defiantly.
“What is it with you people?” the evil genius said with an exasperated tone to his voice. “I can shoot right through you with this thing, you know? Why are you trying to be a hero yourself? Don’t you have any other lives to save?”

“I think you are too much of a pussy to shoot me.”

For a second, The Evil One fell silent, the grin dissapearing from his face. This, however, did not take long. He aimed his gun at Lex’ chest, cocked back the hammer, arched one eyebrow up and shot…

At that very moment, Lex, whose mother had been an acrobat in the circus, ducked away, the bullet only barely missing him. It did, however, go straight through the chest of the hero lying behind him, who groaned at this new assault on his body. For a split second, a wound appeared on Mega’s chest, and before the hero’s incredible defensive organisms could close everything up again, Lex had his fingers inside, prying loose both the earlier and the new bullet, and took them out, right before everything was neatly sealed up.

The Evil One looked on in horror, but after he regained his composure, he lifted the gun to once again shoot at Mega. This time, however, Mega, rejuvenated now the Lukonium bullet was no longer in his body, was faster than him, performing a cat-like leap on his opponent, knocking the gun straight out of his hand. He pushed him out of the hole, and started showing him every corner of the floor they were on, taking out the anger that had welled up inside him from the very second the first bullet had incapacitated him.

For Lex, this was his cue to push the button that would lead the elevator back to the ground floor. As what was left of the doors closed in front of him, Lex leaned on one of the few elevator walls not broken down, and sighed to himself: “I need coffee.”

(c) 2007 Patrick Rijnders