Adventures in House Hunting

We pulled up to the first house.  I say “we pulled up”, I really never drive and even less when my vision is still a bit blurry from the night before. So, she pulled up to the first house while I thought of alls the ways I could keep my head from exploding.  I was in top fashion, full hangover intact and smoke from the hundredth cigarette of the morning swirling out of the car as we exit.

Lacy shook all over from anticipation.  Not on the outside, of course, but once you learn to interpret the ring tones and mild dance moves that is Lacy you can tell when she is on the flip side of nervous.  Her dream house, at least in the random pictures we had seen on the Internet, was now before us.

What a shit hole, I’m just saying.  Oh, the crack heads that must have cohabited this once very livable home.  Man, though, the parties they must have thrown.  Would have loved to crash one.  Anyone who can break a marble sink counter and then stick it back together with super glue and smoked so much that their once white living room fan is now crank yellow, beautiful color design instincts by the way, must have been my kind of people.

It’s never good when the selling point for a home is the pool-less deck in the back yard and the Shamu painted “acid room.” 

So we moved on.  Like any intelligent young, woman and her mild mannered, slightly hung-over boyfriend would do.  You know the cream of the casino-employed crop.
The next stop look like the Mexican armada had swept through, or at least their fashion crew had invaded it, because oh the Mexican flags and Catholic symbols that abounded about this house.  All culminating in the all too seen and never under used Virgin Mary beaming from atop the mantle place.  You got to love the fast paced acclamation to the American culture that is our modern day immigrant.  But the house, freaking phenomenal.

I really felt like I could be at home there, with a southern woman’s touch to the paint job, of course, but that would only come after a lengthy and tentative closing of bankers, realtors, bondsmen and inspectors secret society of orgies and alcohol that is our hard earner money.  Oh, if only, I had the cash to pay the owners straight out and give the rest of those flunkies the literal finger.

Still, there were a few other houses we looked at that day, but I shoot them all down for one reason or another with the skill of a high-paid assassin.  Now, assuming the sex was good and the liquor flowed, the only true question remaining is how to arrange the furniture.

Which, by the way, we had picked out a week or so before, and what a sight that is to see Lacy and her mom, both of which who are barely adult-sized persons, wondering very pointedly about a gigantic furniture store.  With their six foot, yes-man trying to hold in the very manly giggles.

“What do you think of this one, baby?”

My god, ladies, you brought a man shopping for couches.  I think if my ass fits in it and we can get some nice spoonage out of it then it’s the greastest thing man ever put together with his own two hands.

“By the way, that fold out coffee table is just awesome.  You know the one where I never again have to be put through the torture of eating in the dinning room ever again one.  Yeah, that one’s nice.”

So, “we” picked out a very nice leather couch and I went outside to smoke a cigarette and puke my guts up over the price tags.

Buying a house and starting a new life can really be a whirlwind of excitement and disappointment, but if done with someone you are truly in love with and wish to spend the rest of your life with, it can be a joy matched only by a few other things in this world.  Plus, I’m sure the new house sex will be fucking amazing, something to see.  If you know what I’m saying.  Not that any of you will ever see it…  That is unless you stop by between nine and ten in the evening, that’s when she gets frisky.