Forever Imprinted

The hands that were once gentle without warning became violent
My heart filled with a desire to be loved by you tried to convince my head
Confused, and starved for the affection of a man
Partially craving to be desired
Partially needing a father

At 15 I let you align my existence
My mind seemed only to function when trying to figure the facets of you
The friends I knew then desired what it appeared that I had
The love of an older man
If only they had known
What lay beneath the Romeo and Juliet façade

At 15 I gave myself to you
I was completely yours
Days and nights spent yearning for you to find pleasure in me
A hidden weakness embedded in me
You broke me down
An infiltration I never expected
You possessed me
Mind
Body
I guess that is why I allowed your hands to touch me
The love you showed absent then
I guess that is why I allowed fear to overwhelm me
Afraid to lock your erection on the outside of my mouth
On the outside of my body

When your hands or your tool were done I remained with you
Clinging to the delusion that you loved me
The delusion that my connection to you was not one of fear but
One of love/one of patience
I tried to convince myself that your were misunderstood
That you were a misguided soul
That you needed me to guide you
That no one else could
That your rage was only to cover your pain
Pain that I felt too just not expressed

I felt like one of those women that I had always condemned
I had become one of those women that I despised for their weakness
I allowed you to take the small part of me that was still trusting
The part of me that was still willing to give life a chance
I unmasked myself for you
Only to have you cause me to close
Afraid to open myself to anyone
Are you happy?
Are you happy to have murdered me?
I guess your raping and hitting weren’t enough
They didn’t keep you “potent” as you liked to
Refer to the effects of a good conquest
Telling me that I should thank you
“Girl you oughta be thanking me.
Shit I taught you how to keep a grown man potent.”

In the beginning I never knew when the rage
Would glaze over your light brown eyes
That used to run over me with desire and longing but
By the end of our twisted romance I knew you
I knew that you were weak
I knew that you were insecure
You felt that you had to control me in order to keep my love
Your dictatorship never made me love you
I realize that now
Though there are days when I must convince myself anew
Nevertheless I stayed with you
Out of fear
I saw what you had done
I knew what you were capable of doing
Yet I tested your tolerance on all levels
I tested the waters  of your river of rage
Panty teasing was never my strong suit
I couldn’t use my love to tame you
You proved that you could have it involuntarily
Reminding me of the occurrence seven years prior
The footsteps at the door
I thought I could never leave you

By 16 I wanted out
But goodbye lover were not our parting words
The threat on life
Prisoner of your hands
My back one with the wall
The loveless sex
The closed eye
The knife pressed close to your skin
The breakdown of the door that once enclosed our
Private den of pleasure
Though never what I experienced with others
The coin isn’t one sided
It actually shows a president and an eagle
The eagle that never truly soared with you
With your ever powerful “potency”
Those are the memories that I carry of our farewell
My phone never dials your number
My feet never tread your ground
My eyes never meet your light browns
But I am in your presence continually