The View From My Window

It's been thirty years since I decided I wanted a computer. I think what inspired me was a magazine cover showing a small room with a computer sitting on a desk, next to a window. The view from the window was that of a bleak urban landscape, and displayed on the computer screen was a tropical paradise. I guess that always was my problem, I was looking for some way to escape from the crushing unhappiness that surrounded me.

During the early part of my life, I let others define my reality. Their expectations had far more impact on me than mine did. I always felt I had to be what others wanted me to be, not who I really was. The view from my "window" was often disappointing, and I thought I could find that paradise with pills, a joint, or even a needle. Looking back, the turning point for me seems to have been my divorce. There's no point in trying to lay blame, I just figured it out a bit too late.

Most of us can remember certain defining moments in our past, where we faced a choice of different paths; or maybe no path at all. The summer of 1980 was a lot of things to me, but probably most of all, it was one of those defining moments. I was deep in debt, with all assets tied up in the divorce, and facing the certainty that my soon to be ex was going to move a thousand miles away with my daughter. The .45 in my hand seemed like an easy solution, so why am I still here today?

As I sat there with my finger on the trigger, I realized that I never would be happy chasing other people's expectations instead of my own dreams. It was also clear that the paradise I was searching for wasn't somewhere else; it wasn't even a place at all. There's a line from an "Eagles" song that says we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key. It was time to unlock the chains. Suddenly the pain in my soul didn't hurt so much. I chose to feel good about what I had left and to see that paradise in my future. Now here's the good part; I could share what I learned with others out there who had their finger on the trigger.

So what do I see when I look out that window now?
Sometimes I see the sun come up, sometimes I see children playing, and sometimes I see a rainbow. I'm really glad I stayed.

What about that computer screen?
Oh yeah, now I use that to share what I've learned with others.