a true account of a night in with my family. |
Dad: Fiona! (silence) Dad: Fi! ( silence) Dad: FIONA! Mum: ( pause) what? Dad: can you make me a cuppa tea? Mum: What? Dad: Can you make me and Jo a cup...of..tea? (pause) Mum: What? Me: TEA? CAN YOU MAKE US TEA?!! Mum: What? i can't hear you, I'm making a cup of tea! Me: (muttered) oh for f*cks sake! Mum: Oi! I told you not to swear in this house! You have to make an effort now you're home! I wont have swearing in my new kitchen! Me: What's the fucking kitchen got to do with it? Mum: OI!!! Stop bloody swearing. ( comes into lounge) and take your feet off that chair. ( I take my feet off the chair, and try to drink tea) Mum: and you can shut that door Me: But i didn't bloody open it! Mum: Don't bloody swear, just shut it. Me: ( getting up and muttering) Mum: And while you're up, get me some cheese. We've run out in here. Me: What about your diet? ( snickering, and stomping into kitchen) Mum: I'm trying Dad: Yeah, very trying Mum: I've lost 2 pounds this week. ( I poke my head around door, just as dad's about to plagiarise peter Kay's weight watcher jokes, and quickly shake my head) Mum: Oh,have i told you about my new kitchen love? Me: ( muttering) only about a dozen times. Mum: oh no i was going to tell you, but i had a back spasm. did i tell you what the doctor said? Dad: oh come on I'm trying to watch the news! Mum: He said its because of that fall i had last year. And it hurt my thyroid. And it might be like that forever. Oh, it bloody hurts mind. Me: Yeah, we know. Mum: Oh, yeah, the kitchen, did I tell you about the kitchen? Me: ( sighing) no Mum; well, I'm going to have new units, and the sink is going where the kettle is. i was going to put the fridge there, split it into a fridge freezer, but i can't bend down because of my back. Not that I ever complain about my back...what's the hold up with the cheese? Me: ( mouth full) nuffin Mum: Are you eating again? She's eating again Nigel! Dad: hmmm.... Mum: I told you not to eat in between meals.. Me: That would require meals in the first place. I haven't had anything tonight, I'm starving! Mum: Have you had a look at my weight watchers book? The one I got off your dad? Its under the kitchen plans, by my back medicine? ( pause) Mum: Have you found it? Me: Errrr... Mum: oh its ever so good. anyway, i think you should try that Me: are you saying I'm fat? Mum: No...where's the cheese? I'm just saying you should think about it. Oh, and that Atkins diet, its brilliant. No carbs. You should eat toast for tea. Me: Why? Mum: because its just bread with half the calories. Me: What? Mum: because all the water burns off in the toaster. ( pause) Dad: What bollocks are you talking now. Mum: Have i told you about the new units we're having? And where's the bloody cheese? Me ( repeatedly banging my head against a new unit) It's coming. Mum: What? Me: It's bloody COMING!!!!!! |