Just One Time

Just One Time

“We’ll have to do a few more tests Ms. Johnson,” Dr. Williams said, “but I’m sure we can get this thing under control.”

I wasn’t listening to him anymore though, all I could do was sit there. My mind a whirl of images and thoughts all crowded together, competing for my attention. Those first words weren’t really words at all, but letters, a silly bunch of letters that spelled trouble, BIG trouble.

HIV; a tiny little virus, something so small that it can’t be seen with less than a microscope. Something so small, but so powerful that it can carry away hopes and dreams in an instant. Something so well hidden that it couldn’t be seen on the handsome face of my boyfriend, but so devastating that it will change my life forever. Not only changing my life, but the lives of my family and my friends as well.

How can this be so? My mind screamed in terror and frustration, How could this happen to me? ME? I’m going to be class valedictorian in just three months! I have a scholarship to Berkeley next year! I have my future all mapped out, I’m going to be a teacher. I’m going to get married to a bright handsome lawyer someday. I’m going to have three children, two boys and a girl. I’m going to have a lot of grandchildren and then someday my handsome lawyer husband and I are going to retire and have big family dinners, where the grandchildren will gather around and we’ll be so happy. This can’t be happening to me! Not to me!

“Do you have any questions?” Dr. Williams asked softly. “Would you like me to call in your Mother?”

I managed to shake my head and squeak out, “No, I’m okay.”

OH God! My Mother? MOMMY? What am I going to say to my Mom? How can I face her? She has her dreams as well, dreams of happy grandchildren and family excursions and a long life watching her children grow up to be happy and healthy.

“You should contact all past sexual partners,” Dr. Williams continued, “they will have to be notified so they can come in for testing.”

Sexual partners! SEXUAL PARTNERS? There was only one “sexual partner” in my life. For crying out loud, I'm only sixteen years old! I don’t have a long list of sexual partners! Just one measly, slightly pimple faced, senior in High School. BRAD! Oh my God! Brad has HIV! He’s going to die! Just like me, he’s going to die! He’s going to waste away and get sores and lesions on his face and body and he’s going to die! Just like me!

“In the meantime, we’ll start you on this regimen of pills, a sort of cocktail, if you will, of the best medications science has, to keep things in check.”

My eyes went to the assortment of pill bottles sitting on his desk, beside them, an instruction sheet which seemed to consist of many pages, many, many pages.

Cocktail? COCKTAIL? It was a cocktail that got me into this mess, it’s only fitting I guess that a cocktail should somehow undo it!

We were at a party at my friend Millie’s, Brad handed me a glass of pop and something else. It all seemed innocent enough; I don’t really like the taste of alcohol, but it was a party and everyone else seemed to be drinking, laughing and having a good time.

“Here ya go.” Brad smiled, big blues eyes sparkling, “Drink some of this and you’ll feel great.”

Not wanting to be a party-pooper, I accepted it. I didn’t drink it right down though, sort of nursed it along while I laughed with Millie and danced with Brad. Funny thing was though, it never seemed to get empty. Later on, Brad and I seemed to have drifted off from Millie. The next thing I knew, we were in someone’s bedroom. Kissing and some light feeling around was all we had ever done before. Brad wanted more of course, but I held fast. I wasn’t going to end up pregnant and miss college and ruin my future! Brad said he understood, after he and his friends made that summer run to Mexico, he wasn’t so adamant about it anymore either.

There we were though, in someone’s bedroom, kissing, touching, fondling. My willpower seemed to be gone. The next thing I knew we were naked, my mind tried to take control, but my body went along willingly. I scolded Brad severely the next day and he promised we would never do something that stupid again. I sweated it out until my next period came and then the one after that. Luckily I didn’t get pregnant and I relaxed. That was six months ago, just that ONE time.

I had only gone to the doctor because I had a slight cough that wouldn’t go away. They take a few tests and now I have no future?